Scuttle Scuttle in the Night

When firm becomes harsh becomes rude

2010-04-12T15:56:00.002+08:00

Recently, there were a few episodes which got me riled. It pertains to parenting styles. I think there is no excuse for rudeness. Parents will claim they are being firm and some call it tough love. But really, is there any excuse for calling a child an idiot or calling them useless? And what do the child learn in the process other than that they are worthless. How does it help them not make the same mistake again? Why do we always treat people we love so unkindly? Being a parent means we have to be responsible for our behaviour and speech.

I feel very sorry for the child. The hurt is more than a bruised ego, it's the perceived truth of what a parent says.

I aspire...

2010-03-09T23:41:00.002+08:00

I have an email box that is labeled as "Happy Emails". This is the box I open when I'm down in the dumps at work. It reminds me that bad times don't last and good times exist. One email went to this box very recently. One of my staff (who is really more like a friend and colleague) left for greener pasture. He sent a farewell note to about 10 other colleagues in the section. I was surprised and very touched by what he wrote. And it also left me with a tinge of guilt,... because I feel so undeserving of his praise. I had been his supervisor for 3 years and frankly, I have always felt that I did him injustice. I did not mentor or groom him. I did not hand hold or provide much guidance. I was not a good "boss" at all. I was a friend. The intriguing thing is, his description is very accurate of a particular person I admire and aspire to be. And I do not think I'm even close to being where this person is, as a boss. Nevertheless, I was still touched that I had somehow, unknowingly, impacted him. I aspire to be what he has written, and hopefully more. Then, I'd feel I deserve the accolade.

Email from LT
Hui San: Boss!! I think you're the best boss anyone could hope for -your intense focus on common logic, irreverence for rules, genuine concern for subordinates, and that sincerity you exude just makes anyone feel at ease and not just open, but totally non-defensive. I realise now that if I ever were to be a boss, I'd aspire to be a boss like you. You are the personification of all the values we've learnt in theories about the perfect boss, and people get things done for you not because they have to, but because they want to. To put it more succintly in the terms of a speaker I heard before, "in times of war, under great duress, some soldiers would stick a knife into their commanders' backs when told to charge. Others would charge without question, because they trust their commanders." But besides being a boss, you're a great friend to have also.. keep in touch with Adel and me! We'll look forward to your updates on FB :D I sincerely wish you the best in your career and family life, and that Lucas will grow up to be like Vincent and Lyra will grow up to be like.. you? (No?)

I'm not rude

2010-03-08T09:12:00.002+08:00

We had dinner with Edna and family on Saturday to celebrate Edna's daddy's scholarship. We went to this Japanese resturant, Nihon Mura, at Level 2 of IRAS. Good food at reasonable price. Sushi plates off conveyor belt is at $0.99, beef Tepankaki set is at $14.00 and the Tako Sashimi is at only $6.50, the cheapest I had so far. The place is spacious enough for 4 little kids to roam around. I would highly recommend this place.

Halfway through dinner, Edna and Lucas had some argument as they always do and this is a short except of what transpired.

Lucas: (saying something rude)
Edna: Lucas, don't be rude okay?
Lucas: ... I'm not rude okay, I'm Lucas! (sniggers)
Edna: +_+"""

I thought that was a funny and quick retort. Very KL and very typical of him.

Random...

2010-03-04T10:41:00.002+08:00

I realised I haven't posted in a while. Perennnial problem of all Singaporeans; no time.

Lots of changes this year already. Lyra promoted from Infant Care to Childcare, Lucas had a change of Childcare and is now with Lyra, I'll be having a change of workplace and jobscope in April. It's going to be a busy year and I hope a meaningful and rewarding one.

Now, I want to capture a couple of correspondences I had with Lucas recently which taught me 2 lessons.

Episode 1
End of Lucas's 1st day at Childcare
San: Lucas, how was your 1st day? Did you make any new friends?
Lucas: Good... I made 1 very nice new friend. She is very nice.
San: Oh, why is she nice?
Lucas: Because she wants to marry me.
San:... ... Oh... I see, and you want to marry her? (Lucas nods) So what's her name?
Lucas:... eh... I cannot remember.

Next morning at the Childcare
Future Daughter-in-law: Lucas, Lucas... you here!
Lucas: (Holding girl's hand) Mommy, this is the girl I want to marry.
San: (to the giggling girl) Hello! Nice meeting you. (To Lucas) So what is her name?
Lucas: (to the girl) Eh, what's your name?
san: +_+"""

Lesson: A rose by any other name, smells as sweet. Love the person for the way he/she is... look at substance, not form.

Episode 2
At 11pm, catching tail end of 'Titanic'.
San: Lucas, why don't you go to bed? You look very sleepy.
Lucas: I don't want. I want to finish watching 'Titanic'.
San: I can tell you the ending. Go sleep lah.
Lucas: Cannot.
San: Why?
Lucas: I must watch then I can tell my children the story next time when they ask me...
San: +_+"""

Lesson: Start with end in mind and you can accomplish much.

Suffer the little children... again...

2009-11-26T12:07:00.002+08:00

I was infuriated and upset when I read the news of the child who went missing and was subsequently found murdered. This child stays at Kallang Bahru, a few blocks away from where I used to stay. If I had continued staying there, Lucas and him could have been friends and they would have played at the same playground.

I am furious why the child was reported missing only after 5 days he was taken. Didn't his family worry that he wasn't home on the 1st night, the 2nd, the 3rd? Why have a child only to abandon him to his own devices! And how could any one lay hands and harm a child! And when I see cases like that I really wish the very very worst death for such perverts... that they die a more horrible death and suffer worse pain and deeper fear than the children they had harmed.

At times like this, I seek to understand and make sense of the insanity. I borrowed my colleague's bible and prayed for strength and wisdom. I prayed for the young soul gone before his time and I prayed for forgiveness in my heart. And when I read the bible, I found this;

"So do not fear, for I am with you,
Do not be dismayed, for I am your God,
I will strenghten you and help you,
I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.
...

Though you search for your enermies,
You will not find them.
Those who wage war against you will be as nothing at all
For I am the Lord, your God,
who takes hold of your right hand and says to you,
Do not fear, I will help you." ISAIAH 41:3

What's in a name?

2009-11-18T16:14:00.003+08:00

I was at Lucas's potential primary school to clock hours today. It's the P1 orientation and I was assigned to help register the kids. It was quite a mundane affair until some names had me in stitches. I wonder what were the parents thinking when they named their kids. And the poor kids who have to live with the names and its association, for life! Below are some really odd names.

- Strange male names: a set of twin brothers, Jammriod & Hammriod. Wonder if piles run in the family. Handy (I'm sure he will be a handy man), Hay (Hey, Hay!), Gaylim (erm, not for a boy?), Madthew, and finally, King.
- Strange female names: Dymetia, Isid (Is it?), Enide, Verginny (What???!!!), and my personal favourite Merlinal, the future wife of Merlion.

And these are Chinese kids. Why, parents, why? Then I recalled I wanted really unique name for Lucas, like Valdimir or Luthion. Luckily, I have a sane husband and colleagues who dissuaded me.

2009-11-06T16:44:00.002+08:00

I spent the most of today volunteering at the Society for the Physically Disabled. It was meaningful... but do I feel good? No. In fact, I always feel bad after each volunteer session with a disadvantaged group, esp. if it involves children. And yet, time and again, I plunge head-long into it.

I feel awful and depressed when I see and interact with the beneficiaries. I try to laugh and crack some jokes. I try to brighten up their day and not let them see the sadness in my eyes.

My friends say it is because I am a mother now, which is why I'm more emotional when I see disadvantaged groups, in particular children. They said I could empathise with their parents. True, I never felt this way when I was without kids. Now, I look at children/youths with disability and I wonder about the pains and struggles their parents must have gone through. I wonder if I would be just as strong if I was in their shoes.

Like today, I look at some of the beneficiaries who are confined to wheelchairs, with drool running down their chest, eyes glazed and hands jerking without control and I wonder if they are aware of their surroundings. I wonder if there is a soul behind those eyes, is there a dream which remains hidden, unknown to anyone but themselves. Is there a pain they feel which they can't communicate, a fear they cannot express. I feel awful just looking at them and I am ashamed. Ashamed that I have so many blessings in my life and I whine. Ashamed that I wonder if it was better to be dead than to live like that. Ashamed that I would not have had the strength nor the courage to carry on if I had to face such a cruel situation.

But I know come tomorrow; come the day after tomorrow; I'll gradually forget the lessons I learnt today. And I'll again volunteer for another session which will jolt me into misery and make me realise I am a priviledged person.

Reminiscence

2009-11-03T12:57:00.000+08:00

I must be getting old... I have been indulging in wallowing in the past lately. Remembering the places I have been to, the guys I have dated, the friends I made and lost, the adventures I had, the regrets I have to live with...

A lot of my memories have 3 very important men and 3 very important women. These 6 are probably the foundation which form my personality, set my worldview and made me who I am today. Yes,... blame it all on them. :P The 3 men are my dad, a guy I dated during my growing years, and my hubby and the 3 women are my mom, my sister and my best friend.

They all watched me grow and went through the best and the worst part of my life with me. My best friend, especially, was there with me during the turbulent teens,... she held my hand and cried with me when I was 1st heartbroken. She was there when I was the happiest (at my ROM) and was also there at my lowest. We goaded each other to do the dumbest thing (like dressing up and trying to pass off as air-stewardess at Changi airport, on a school day)... Ya ya, roll your eyeballs. We still tease each other about our 1st crushes and we are each others 2nd contact whenever something good or bad happens, after the hubbies. And maybe in some cases, we are each others 1st (e.g. suspected pregnancies).

My hubby is probably my second best friend. :P But still there are some things that men just don't get. Hubby and I met when I was probably at the best stage of my life. I had stipend from MOE, but none of the work and I had holidays. We went through a ‘轰轰烈烈’kind of relationship and had to play Romeo and Juliet for a year plus. Apt I guess since the 1st show we caught together was Romeo and Juliet, D'Caprio version... I miss the craziness in our relationship. Maybe becos we are both older and with so much more responsibilities that we just don't have time or energy to be crazy anymore. BUT all's not lost, we recently went kite-flying on a whim and it was quite fun even though we went a little late and could only fly the kite for a short 45 mins. It was a special 45 mins which made me feel more alive than I had been in months.

Anyway,... I probably shouldn't wallow so much in the past... especially not during office hours I guess.

Days gone by

2009-10-27T19:12:00.007+08:00

I had dinner at Susan Chan, Far East Plaza, level 5, today. I last ate there maybe some 6 years ago. Predictably, I ordered fish soup bee hoon. I half expected the taste of this dish to have changed but to my pleasant surprise, it tasted much the same as before. The familiar taste, sight, sound and smell of Susan Chan got me a little nostalgic. Change is constant though I wished some things remained the same, just as my bowl of fish soup bee hoon. Here's a list of things I miss...

Colleagues
I miss having a bunch of colleagues who are also my good friends. People I can talk crap to, from boob jobs to bedroom secrets. People who appreciate my weird sense of humour. Now, I have to wait for some monthly gathering which sometimes doesn't happen.

Hor Fan & Char Kway Teow
I miss the 2 dishes above from NUS Arts Canteen. The old uncle and auntie cooked with springy footsteps. I loved their food as much as watching them cook.

Bungalow
I actually miss the old bungalow which used to be my office. Haunting and beautiful.

Long Lost Friend
I miss a long lost friend who calls me by my nickname, Sotong.

Travel
Spontaneous travels to faraway places.

National Library
I spent many weekends daydreaming in the aisles along the bookshelves, in the garden and sitting on those red brick parapet. It was a lovely old dame.

Satay Club
No elaboration needed.

Guess as one ages, the list gets longer. Maybe I can add on as the years go by.

I love my iPhone

2009-10-21T10:32:00.002+08:00

I just love my iPhone. It allows me to do so many things while on the move, including updating this blog. How cool is that?

It's particularly useful now when I am volunteering for a really brain numbing ushering duty at a primary school. I could also surf, plan my time, play the many free games available, check emails, update my facebook and if you load the right applications, the list really goes on.

The only gripe I have is that it couldn't sync with my Lotus Notes... ... Though those who know me will think that's the best feature. Ha!

If you are looking to upgrade your phone, I would really strongly recommend iPhone.

Kiasu?

2009-09-24T12:01:00.004+08:00

Off late, I have been labelled as a 'Kiasu Parent'. It all stemmed from a workshop that I wanted to enrol Lucas in. The programme helps identify the learning style of a child, develops the strengths and addresses the weaknesses. The programme doesn't come cheap. It is a four-figure cost spanning some 3-5 months.

And the reason why Lucas is enrolled in it is because I had long suspected that he has some attention issues and I wanted to determine if my suspicion is accurate and if so, I would want to address it before it gets worse. After some tests, the results while not conclusive seems to point towards Lucas needing some help. I signed him on to the programme without hesitation.

Now, back to this Kiasu label. I really detest it when people call me that. I don't want to be a kiasu parent because it signals someone who is so "afraid of losing" that they compromise the needs and happiness of the child. The intention and motivation behind a kiasu parent is self-serving, and not child-centric.

I'm far far from being a kiasu parent. I don't coach him intensely at home, I don't enrol him in programmes he doesn't like, I don't pack his weekdays/ends with enrichment and I don't expect him to perform ultra fantastic results. And definitely, I don't expect to him to do extraordinarily so that I can bask in the glory. But I do expect him to do his best. And I expect myself to help him perform his best. And if he has some learning disability, then I should, as a responsible parent (and as not a kiasu parent), address that dysfunction. This is especially so when this dysfunction has becomes disruptive and self-debilitating.

I didn't bother to explain myself to the 'detractors' who commented about my 'kiasu ways'. So why do I bother to blog about it here? Because I had really given it much thought and analysis. I need to know for certain the motivation and intention behind my own actions in case I'm blinkered. Self-reflection to be sure I am doing what's best for my kids and not for myself. And I am sure I don't have the intention of turning Lucas into the next Einstein just so that I can be mommy Einstein.

Tamiflu- More monitoring required

2009-08-20T14:42:00.002+08:00

Lucas came down with fever over Sunday and was still battling with a 39 degrees fever after medication. By the 4th day, I brought him back to the GP, which also happens to be a PPC (Pandemic Preparedness Clinic). The Doc prescribed Tamiflu, saying that he is in the high risk group as (1) he is under 5 years old and (2) he has sensitive airways which makes him more susceptible to lung infections. I have all respect for her but I'm hesitant about giving Lucas Tamiflu. There have been numerous reports that the harm far outweigh the benefits. I raised my concern with the doc and she brushed me off saying that news reports are hogwash and reporters are not doctors. Then she whipped out a memo from MOH that says Tamiflu is safe for children.

So that afternoon when Lucas's fever did not subside, against my nagging better judgement, I gave Lucas the 1st dose of Tamiflu. 30 minutes later, Lucas was puking. He threw up until he had nothing to throw up. Fearing that he might be dehydrated, I asked him to drink some water. He couldn't hold it down and started another round of puking. To take his mind off the vomiting, we played monopoly. Then the halucinations began. He kept telling my phone is ringing when it is not. Then he said he couldn't reach his pawn on the monopoly board cos the table has floated too high. It was scary. He continued retching in between. I kept the monopoly as I didn't think we would be able to continue with the game. And Lucas sat in a corner of the sofa and stared into space. When I talk to him, he just looked at me blankly like I wasn't there. He stoned for another 30 minutes. After that, in a sudden burst, he started running amok all over the house. He laughed and screamed at every thing in the house and when I caught him to slow him down, he just kept giggling. He looked like he just smoked pot!

The effects only wore off about 3-4 hours later. I took him off Tamiflu and called the clinic the next morning to let them know.

Because H1N1 is so rampant, PPCs are taking a "just in case" attitude about prescribing Tamiflu, even to young children. This is despite the concern that the wide spread use may actually cause virus mutation, making it more drug resistant. More monitoring should be done before PPCs take it in their own hands to prescribe Tamiflu. Blood test should be performed to confirm H1N1 before starting patients on Tamiflu. And doctors must make it their responsibility to inform parents and patients of potential side effects.

Expectations

2009-08-11T15:25:00.000+08:00

Recently I had a chat with some mommies with kids around Lucas age. They were impressed and amazed that Lucas showers, brushes his teeth, packs his bag and goes to bed by himself. They think he is highly independent and mature. Frankly, Vinc and I had never thought that these tasks were beyond him. We had expected him to do these and he did.

It made me re-examine my expectations. Sometimes I get upset and disappointed that Lucas can't read or write properly. Or that he cannot obey commands or show more self-restrain, for instance at a playground, when he goes ballistic. Or when he gets upset and couldn't control his tantrum. Am I expecting too much from him?

一波为平一波又起

2009-07-30T14:53:00.002+08:00

Yesterday I blogged about the recent 'mishaps' of Lyra and Lucas. And I thought that should be it. Well,... today, Lyra's infant care called to inform me that Lyra's diarrhea is back, AND there is a confirmed H1N1 case in the centre. So they are checking if the virus had spread and if the centre need to be closed to contain the spread. Sigh... I need to find a horse-shoe or rabbit's foot to ward of the bad luck.

40 degrees & 6 stitches

2009-07-29T21:39:00.002+08:00

That's what Lyra and Lucas had respectively this past week. Talk about trouble coming in 2s. First Lyra developed a persistent raging fever that wouldn't subside even with medication. By Sunday, which was the 4th day into her fever, she was 40 degrees. We brought her to KKH and they did some blood test. She was declared negative of anything serious and doc suspected she was just down with some viral infection. The remedy? Wait it out. Then just when her fever was coming down, we found spots all over her body and face. As she was immunised against measles, I worried about German measles. So Vinc and I huffed and puffed to the GP. We were told that it is normal and part and parcel of a viral infection. We were relieved. That was on Tuesday night.

So today, I kept Lyra at home just to make sure her fever's gone and she doesn't catch anything else. Then I got a frantic call from Lucas's childcare. He had a fall and cut his chin. The teachers were rushing him to hospital. Sounded serious but I thought maybe the teachers were just too panicky. I saw the wound,... the gaping hole more like it. It was a nasty nasty cut just under the chin. Brave Lucas didn't shed a tear. Not even when he was getting his stitches. He flinched a little, shut his eyes tight and grit his teeth once in a while. But other than that, he kept still and quiet. It was I who was trembling with fear. In fact, I was almost closed to tears. My poor baby... I held on to Vinc's hand tight. 6 stitches...

What an eventful few days for me. Not to mention downright tiring.

Feeling like failure

2009-07-16T22:35:00.015+08:00

Today, Lucas was caned for the first time. His offence- sneaking a sweet into his bed and eating it. It sounds trivial but I call it stealing. He took the sweets without permission and he did it in secrecy. Not too long ago, he also took a biscuit from his classmate and was smacked for it.

So today, I explained why he was wrong, reminded him of the punishment I had warned him about and gave him a stroke of cane on the legs. He didn't cry. In fact, he looked downright 'boh-chap'. After that, he was sent to stand in a corner to reflect and tell me what was it that he had done wrong. Lucas is like me when I was a kid. We both respond to emotional 'punishment' than physical. Because I ignored him when he was sent to his corner, he started to tear. He said sorry (which he seldom does) and told me why he was wrong. After another round of talk and explanation, I sent him to bed weeping. That night, I didn't keep him company as I usually did.

From the moment I caned him, I felt a lump in my throat. It hurts whenever I have to punish/discipline him. And what pains me more is that he doesn't seem to learn. I feel like a complete failure; a lousy mom. I understood how my parents must have felt. I stole from childhood right up till secondary school. The last time I stole and was caught, I wanted to be the 1st to tell my dad before my school did the shock. I remember his look of disappointment and pain. He didn't say a word... he just shook his head and walked out of the room then.

I feel that exact same pain now. Feeling helpless and inadequate. How lousy and hurt my dad must have been.

I googled and read that this 'sticky fingers' is a normal passing phase for most kids. But it must be dealt with with patience, love and lots of explanation. I know "this too shall pass" but that horrible lump is still stuck in my throat, just as that terrible sense of guilt and lousiness.

Ooo, I make it look so easy...

2009-06-12T23:57:00.004+08:00

Last Sunday I received a compliment from a neighbour I do not know. She stays at the next block on the ground floor. I was heading home with Lyra and hubby (Lucas was at a class) and we passed by her house. She said hello and commented that she really admired me. That she was impressed at how I would carry Lyra and pull Lucas along when we head out, without any extra help. She said very few parents in this era would do that.

I should be proud of myself. :) It is not the first time someone told me this. One of my friends had once commented that I 'pressurised' her cos I make it look so easy and yet she didn't find it easy at all to cope with her kid. She was practically under house arrest by her baby. And she admitted that she got quite sick of me telling her that she is capable of bringing the baby out and that it wasn't difficult. She had found it insurmountable. Needless to say, she seldom dates me.

I guess I made it look easy. At times I feel the same fear about how I will manage. Some times many thoughts of "what ifs" will haunt me just before I make a journey out. But I didn't want to be housebound and 'what ifs' is really not my style. I like to "just whack and see how". In a way, it's good cos I'm learnt not to be stressed about bringing the kids out or if I need to be alone with them. I think far too many parents sweat the small stuff. Go with the flow,... what's the worst? Like one of my friends shared, at most, the kid goes home with a diaper full of shit. She brings only 1 diaper change and at times completely forgets to bring any.

I think this phylosophy applies to work and life as well. Why worry about the 'what ifs'? There's no way to anticipate all pit falls so just whack lah.

Neither friend nor colleague

2009-06-12T23:39:00.003+08:00

I have a penchant for putting my foot in my mouth. Some how things come out bad even with my best intentions. Not too long ago when I got promoted, I wanted to show some appreciation to some colleagues who weren't from my section. They weren't exactly so close that I would call them good friends. So instead of a lunch treat (which is for very close friends), I bought chocolates. In an effort to explain why I bought them chocolates, I said to one of them, that she "was neither friend nor colleague... that she belongs to somewhere in between... hence the chocs and no treat". My colleague was big-hearted and gave me a knowing look and said she understood. On hindsight, I realised how bad that sounded. I should have said that she meant more than just a colleague to me, hence I would like to share my joy with them... how much nicer that sounds.

Then 2 days ago, this incident came up as a converstion. My colleague asked me why I draw such a fine distinction between friends and colleagues. Well,... maybe I am anal about it. I classify friends as people I could count on when I'm in trouble, people I would not hesitate to cry infront of or to speak my mind without fear of being judged. Thus, I do not have many friends. Of course some colleagues are nice and I am not distant from them, but they are still not so close as to make me feel comfortable about ringing them up at 3am if I have a problem. Then I came up with this term to describe colleagues who are slightly more than colleagues but short of being a close friend. I call them "frileague"; an apt term I thought... untill you say it real fast and it sounds like "freak". Ha ha ha.

Poor children of the world

2009-05-14T21:43:00.003+08:00

I watched this video with Lucas in the evening and explained how there are many poor children around the world, not lucky enough to have food, much less toys. Lucas watched this video very attentively and was visibly disturbed. When the video ended, I asked if he wanted to watch it again and he said "not sure...". After that we talked about child labour and I found Poor Children. We talked about the video, what it meant, why some children had to sleep on the roads, work, be without their daddy/mommy etc... I'm not sure if this will leave a lasting impact on him but I hope he understands how blessed he is. More importantly, I hope this will develop a sense of empathy and charity.

In case you are interested, the song in Poor Children is titled 'Mad World' by Gary Jules. Tears for Fears sang the 1st version. Lyrics appended.

All around me are familiar faces
Worn out places, worn out faces
Bright and early for their daily races
Going nowhere, going nowhere
Their tears are filling up their glasses
No expression, no expression
Hide my head I want to drown my sorrow
No tomorrow, no tomorrow

And I find it kinda funny
I find it kinda sad
The dreams in which I'm dying
Are the best I've ever had
I find it hard to tell you
I find it hard to take
When people run in circles
It's a very, very mad world mad world

Children waiting for the day they feel good
Happy Birthday, Happy Birthday
Made to feel the way that every child should
Sit and listen, sit and listen
Went to school and I was very nervous
No one knew me, no one knew me
Hello teacher tell me what's my lesson
Look right through me, look right through me

And I find it kinda funny
I find it kinda sad
The dreams in which I'm dying
Are the best I've ever had
I find it hard to tell you
I find it hard to take
When people run in circles
It's a very, very mad world ... world
Enlarge your world
Mad world
~~~ ~~~

Meat galore!

2009-05-08T21:18:00.004+08:00

I was on leave on Wednesday with hubby to catch X-Men Origins: Wolverine. The show was quite a feast for the eyes, with Hugh Jackman flashing his butt in an escape scene. 'Flash' is the perfect word, because that was how fast it was... Before his cute butt even registered itself in your brains, it was all over. So for you ladies who have not watch it, DO NOT blink in his escape bid.

Then there were a couple other eye candy to watch out for, Agent Zero played by Daniel Henney and Gambit, played by Taylor Kitsch... Okay, I have no knowledge of what shows they were on previously though I vaguely recall Daniel Henney in some local movie not too long ago. Personally, I think there were too few scenes of Gambit. I liked his dark persona and his ability to draw bio-kinetic power. In the original version, he was supposed to be a ladies' man in the X-men league and a love interest of Rogue. I think another person who would have played this part to perfection would be Johnny Depp. Yes, sexy men... ... makes you wanna sing "It's Rainin Men, Halleluyah!"

Other than the flash/flesh, the show was ok. It was definitely not on par with any of the previous X-men. The story line was a little lame and some part were not faithful to the original comic version of X-Men. I would say pay that $8, watch it just so that you would have completed the series but don't expect too much.

Sensing my lust for meat, hubby brought me to a nice place for steak after the show. We went to Astons Specialities at The Cathay (#04-03). I must say the meat there was friendly on the stomach and the pocket. For a decent size cut with 2 sides, the cost was about $15, with some change to spare. I ordered a well-done and very often, well-done steak resembles chewing gum's toughness in most steak houses. Surprisingly, my well-done steak was tender and juicy. It was not dry or hard or chewy. For the price, it was definitely worth it. I ordered a garden salad for one of the sides and the veg was freshly tossed. I would definitely recommend this place. The down side is that they don't take reservations, you would just have to try your luck. Given that it's right smack with the IHLs, be prepared for long queues and entertained by 'adult-wannabe's' conversation. Aston's has several outlets, in Joo Chiat, East Coast, Chomp Chomp and a couple others. I heard the standard is quite uniform so you get the good food in all the outlets. Do try it.

Hubby and I then ended our leave with our 'meat' knead by expert hands at Sri Bayu. I slept like a baby for that 1 hour, which was over too soon. I look forward to another of such relaxing day.

Water Babies!

2009-04-24T16:45:00.004+08:00

Lucas and Lyra both take to the water like ducks. They both started 'swimming' at 5 months. Children learnt to fear water from adults. Hence, I let water run down their faces when they shower since a few weeks old. So both do not have fear of water getting into their eyes. When adults do not make a big deal out of it, they also learnt that it is perfectly normal and they will not cry. I hope I can 'normalise' a lot of things this way and they will learn to be tougher.

Hot Surfer Dude
Hot Beach Babe

On my own 2 feet - Part 2

2009-04-05T00:11:00.004+08:00

Here are 2 pics of Lyra trying to stand and standing.

This ambitious little lady will now let go of my hands when I hold her by the fingers into standing position. And she is attempting baby steps too. I had thought Lucas cruising at 9 months and walking at 10 months was fast... but this girl beat his Gor Gor to it.

Taking a practice break

"tah dah..."

我是毛毛虫

2009-04-04T23:50:00.004+08:00

I dug up some of Lucas's toys so that Lyra could have some new toys to play with. Since she has shown interest in animals, like my neighbours' dogs, stray cats, birds etc, I thought she would probably like a wound up toy. So I took this cute green little caterpillar which Lucas used to like a lot, wound it up and let it 'crawl' towards her. And guess what! She stared at it and when it started to get close to her hands, she let out a sharp cry, turned towards me and started crawling real fast towards me to be carried! She was afraid of it... ha ha ha... We test it out by giving her the toy a couple of times and each time, she would turn away with a disgusted cry. I was totally surprised since she was not afraid of Lucas's dinosaur toy which lets out a ferocious roar! In comparison, the caterpillar is simply adorable... Well,... I would have to 'educate' her on this... until then, no creepy crawlies for Lyra.

Harmless 毛毛虫

In comparison to Lucas's T-Rex which moves and roars

**Afternote: I'm pleased to say Lyra no longer fears the caterpillar and will proceed to 'devour' it when she gets hold of it.

On my own 2 feet

2009-03-31T23:26:00.002+08:00

Lyra is barely 6.5 months and that little imp is able to stand while holding on to the sides of her cot! For these couple of days, she has taken to 'secretly' practising and perfecting her standing and 2-step wobbling at wee hours, 2.30am to be exact, to the frustration of her sleep deprived mom. Of course, at the end of 2 hours of strenuous wobbly standing, falling, climbing and standing, and shuffling, Lyra would be tired and totally 'mang zhang'. And her poor sleep deprived mom would not only have to tolerate her cries and screams, but also feed and rock her to sleep.

But despite the lack of sleep and migraine as a result sleep deprivation, it is a joy to watch her. You should see the proud look on her face when she managed to stand and she would give a grunt of "Erh", as if she is calling to you, saying, "Hey! Look at me Mom! Look at what I could do!". I'll try to capture her triumphant look to share. I'm immensely proud of her.

And I recently came up with a song which I sing to her to sooth her back to sleep The tune is somewhat Celtic, although the tune changes every time. The lyrics is as below.

There was a sweet baby girl
and Lyra was her name
She has pretty eyes, a voice so soft
this wondrous little dame

Flowers bloom when she gives a smile
Sprinkle of rain when she gives a sigh
And I'm blessed of blessed
that this darling baby's mine.

I'll hold her close, wrapped in an embrace
My gift from heaven, my proof of Grace
I'll love her forever and ever
so never fear, my precious baby Lyra.

Walkie talkie

2009-03-31T23:18:00.002+08:00

Have you ever seen people using their mobile phone as a walkie talkie? They hold their mobile phone to their mouth with the ear piece away from the ears and when they want to hear the other party, they then put the ear piece to their ears. I find it obsolutely stoopid that some people will talk like that. To me, it just reflects that these people would rather talk and the other party listen, which explains why they need not hear the response or feedback from the other person as they rattle on. Imagine when the other person on the other line is doing the same... both are talking assuming that the other party's listening but actually it's just 2 monologues.

Milk factory

2009-03-26T15:17:00.004+08:00

This morning when I went to lactate, I discovered that I have ran out of milk bags, again. This would mean that I would have utilised about 540 bags! Out of curiousity, I did some calculations and concluded that I had produced an estimated 64.8 LITRES of milk since the birth of Lyra... not bad for a mini B (before pregnancy).

Then out of curiousity again, I wonder who made a more effective milk factory, me or a cow. So I did some research and found that on average a cow weighing 3000 kg, produces about 30-40 litres of milk a day. So for a cow's body weight, they produce a ratio of 11.7 ml per kg [(35L x 1000 ml) / 3000kg]. I produced (currently) about 455 ml (NOT including the amount I feed Lyra direct) per day, so that makes 10.8 ml per kg (455ml/42kg). And that's only the rate at which I expressed. If I add on the direct feedings which is estimated at 120 ml per feed x 4 night feeds... *tap tap calculator*... It means I would have produced 935ml per day, i.e. 22.3 ml per kg, way surpassing a dairy cow! Talk about being a milk factory! And I don't produce any green house effect! Ha!

Who's who?

2009-03-19T11:17:00.003+08:00

Those who have met Lyra always remarked at how much she resembles her Gor Gor. So I collated the pics of Lucas and Lyra taken when they were around the same age and put them side by side. Are you able to tell who's who? :)

Frustrating 4, flustered mom

2009-03-01T23:51:00.003+08:00

I'm not sure if my fuse has been shortened lately or if Lucas has been extremely testing. I find myself yelling, scolding, threatening, smacking his arms way too much. Of course there are times when he is obviously deserving of a punishment, such as the very elaborate lie he cooked up about his friend giving him a chocolate when he had in fact took it from the teacher's cupboard. But at other times, I'm not so sure if he was entirely at fault or was it because I was just too flustered with the increased duties and the decreased time. Plus my recent unhappiness at work.

I don't know... But I do know I have been very frustrated with him. Take today for instance, we brought him to Ajisen to have his favourite Ramen after his chinese class. It was 1 pm. He took a 45 mins to finish half the bowl of ramen... Throughout the lunch, he appeared to be drifting off to sleep. I was convinced he was pretending, but I wasn't sure. His eyeballs were rolling whites and his eyelids were droopy. In any case, I caught my blood boiling and my voice and pitch escalating. I pity the diners nearby as I would have been really irritated by my own constant reminder to "chew your food!", "swallow!", "you need a smack to wake you up!", "hurry up!", "quickly!", "CHEW!CHEW!" etc etc... My frustration got the better of me, and I gave up on the meal. He barely finished 1/2 bowl.

I reflected the whole afternoon. I was quite disappointed with myself for not holding my temper. I'm not sure what happened to my normal ability to 'tahan'. I was even more upset and guilt ridden that I had made his lunch entirely miserable. I was a classic example of the mom I would have hated.

What made me change? Was it because I'm now always pressed for time? Like in the mornings and evenings, how I would be barking orders for him to hurry up so that we can get to office/pick Lyra in time? Or is it I'm really biased against him (now with Lyra in the picture)? Or is it his terrible 4s attitude and behaviour? I don't know and I don't trust myself to be objective.

All I know is that my fuse is blowing ALL the time and even when I make my best attempt to tolerate and be patient, I was never as patient as I used to be. And Lucas's bahaviour and attitude is really going from bad to worse... I'm not sure if it was his bad bahaviour that's causing me to be a mom from hell or whether my gnashing of teeth and screamings are causing him to turn bad. Chicken and egg question.

Simon Sim ( a family educator) told me last Friday at an event that "all children need are love and encouragement and they will turn out fine"... I thought for a second and asked him, "what if Love is not enough?"... Simon looked slightly taken aback and was quiet. I think he never thought that love would not be enough to parent a child and he looked a little sad on that reflection.

What if love is not enough?... ...

Low low on the MO

2009-02-26T16:54:00.000+08:00

Nope, LOW MO doesn't refer to MOJO and all that THAT connotes. It refers to MOrale and MOtivation, both of which have been low lately. It's probably attributed to the recent change in the HUMAN landscape in my section.

It's been a long time I felt such LOW MO... The 1st time (since working) I had this feeling of incapacity was in 2001. I had a change of working environment and I couldn't agree with the person leading the school I was in. I quit at the end of that year. The 2nd time was in 2004-2005, during which I had a change of 2 supervisors, both of whom I didn't particularly thought very fit to lead... erm ... lead me. One of them was pretty nice but being nice is not enough for me. I had a much higher expectation for MY supervisor. I quit end of 2005. The 1st half of 2006 was by far the WORST time of my working life. I had to report to a boss direct from hell, whose dictionary doesn't contain the word, decency. I quit after being bullied on a daily basis for 6 months. I wondered where I found the strength to have stayed and yet not murder her.

So early 2006 was the last time I felt really down and very very SIAN, until recently.

I think when you have someone nice/good/worthy to work under, it makes work very doable and even when work is tough, you don't really mind slogging for the person. I have been working hard and going the extra extra miles for many bosses, without complaining. In fact, I relish in the fact that I valued-added and did my work well, even if it meant many sleepless nights and many over-time. I was happy to do so. The reverse is true when you don't have someone whom you think you ought to be slaving for. Doable work becomes unbearable, coming to work becomes quite a drag and you have the LOW MO. And the LOW MO doesn't go away despite the tons of chocolate you eat, the holidays you take and whatever it is you do to combat LOW MO.

A HR expert once told me, "people don't leave jobs, they leave bosses". How true... ...

Leadership

2009-02-22T23:01:00.004+08:00

Today, I had a big event which involved Prime Minister and 10 other Ministers and many other MPs and big shots. To begin with, the event was quite a nightmare with HUGE changes being made 2 days prior to the event, on a Friday no less. Reaction time was critical. What was originally quite a simple affair became a mammoth monster. To complicate things, Mrs Prime Minister came along.

But it was a good learning process. It taught me alot of things about leadership and how leaders should react esp. in a a crisis.

1. Build an Arsenal of Personal Favours
- Because of the last minute changes, I had to mobilise many people on short notice. It was difficult as the event falls on a Sunday. It did not help that my bosses didn't want to be the bad guys to shoot the arrows. I needed people, and I needed them fast. So I had to call on personal favours. It was a good thing I do not shit in the place that feeds me. :) In times like this, you could tell who your allies are.

2. Equal Misery is BAD
- Who ever invented the logic of equal misery doesn't work in the corporate world. This is a selfish theory. More work can be done if someone can be a little more self-sacrificial and get something unpleasant done, rather than dragging 2-3 other people through the mud just so he has company. It is a sheer waste of time and effort.

3. Don't Act Smart (aka Mia Gei Kiang)
- I witness how some leaders love to claim the credit and tries to sound intelligent only to have their bluff called. If you are already not very bright, don't act bright because when the switch if flipped, it will obvious you are not just dim, but there isn't even a tungsten within.

4. Be at least Nice or Smart
- Leaders should be nice... and if not nice, then better be smart. The worse combination is one who is not nice and not smart. You lose the respect and you make people pissed with you. At least if you are nice, even if you are not too clever, people will help you because they felt obliged too.

5. Admit Mistakes
- The worst trait a leader can have is to be too egoistical and insist on being correct when proven wrong. This has huge repurcussions. If you are wrong, admit it, apologise and get on with life.

6. Trust your subordinates
- Most subordinates have best intentions and will try their best to get the job done to the best of their abilities. Their own reputation is at stake so trust them. And when mistakes occur, don't be too quick to point the finger. It could be someone else's fault or even your own.

7. Respect
- Being a leader doesn't mean you don't have to respect those who work for you. They deserve even more respect precisely because they are working for you. How else will you get things done? Respect them and earn their respect for you.

8. LEAD Wisely
- Leaders are there to lead. What good is a leader who cowers and hides when you need directions to charge? At the same time, it is also not enough to lead blindly. A leader should have the courage to take unprecendented measures, be accountable for them and do so in good time.

Leadership is difficult. But I hope I can build up enough skills so that the people I lead one day, will follow me, but not blindly and will question, but not doubt me. And most of all, respect me because I have earned it.

Loud, noisy, crazy...

2009-02-14T02:14:00.004+08:00

Recently I moved to a District 10 cube. It is a tad bigger than my previous hole, like 1/2 a foot bigger. And it has good amenities in that it faces the aisle instead of my previous cube where my back faces the aisle. So privacy is ensured in this prime and landed property.

But I supposed I wasn't deemed to be deserving of the cube since I have not met the grade for sitting there and there are more eligible people who ought to sit there. The only reason why I was able to move there was because of 1) Proximity; it was right next to me and 2) thick-skin: I asked the previous owner and the right bosses.

Anyway, this cube started a chain of events which weren't so nice and ended up with name calling.

Apparently, a particular person had labeled me as "loud, noisy, crazy woman" when asked who had moved into the prime cube. This particular person, though not very close to me, wasn't very distant either. So when others overheard him/her saying it, they were appalled and informed me of the offending remarks.

The assessment of me being loud, noisy and crazy is obsolutely accurate of course (ask Ms Sui), and I'm not affected by it in the least. I don't really give a hoot or even 1/2 hoot to what others in my office think. I was actually quite amused by it. I could have come up with more creative labels. And of course I was quite touched by the indignation and defensiveness a couple felt towards the remarks.

At the same time, I thought it was important to do some self-reflection. Perhaps my loud and noisy ways had affected the way others seated near me work? I know Ms Sui had to make some adjustments... maybe that why she had earphones plugged in last time :P. I should probably ask around my other neighbouring cubes. And if so, I should probably make some changes. Yes, this is not like me at all, trying to accomodate others... but age does strange things to people. It blunts your claws and makes you see things in better, hopefully wiser, perspective.

Anyways, ... I have a good friend coming in soon and I'm looking forward to that. She would be parked right next to me, in my previous non-landed cube! She used to have a habit of sudden exclamations when pissed too. So I won't be alone in doing such things soon.

Hmmm,... I do wonder though if that person who labeled me would also label her. Although I doubt it... because in this case, I do think this particular person had always been prejudiced against me and more so recently. I guess time will tell if I'm right.

Why so like that?

2009-02-03T22:03:00.002+08:00

Today, I gave an idiotic parent a piece of my mind.

I was on the train when this mom, her maid and her boy (estimated 2-3 years) boarded the train and sat beside me. Immediately after they sat down, the maid whipped out a stick of fishballs and nuggets from Old Chang Kee for the boy to eat. I struggled within if I should say something. But my big mouth blabbered before my mind could decide... I told the maid (since she was the one who offered the food, although I know it is the Ma'am who is at fault), that she shouldn't feed the child in the train as eating is not allowed. I pointed to the "No Eating" sign. The maid naturally looked at the Ma'am. The Mom who was busily smsing took a look at me and said, "Aiyah, nevermind lah. Little children hungry what!" To the onlookers, I must have seem like some child-bully, depriving a kid of his fishballs and nuggest... how terrible.

But I stood my ground. I pointed to the sign and repeated what I said. The Mom also refused to back down and raised her voice saying something to the effect that I should mind my own business. Well,... since a challenge has been issued. I can't possibly decline a good fight, esp. with rude parents. I told her in a very firm (but not impolite) voice that what she is doing is that she is setting a bad example for the child. That she is teaching the child that rules and even laws can be disregarded and broken. I asked her how she would expect her child to behave responsibly in future when she has clearly sent the message that being irresponsible is okay. Then I ended saying, "Look, your child is already observing you now... and your helper too. You think they will respect your houserules in future?"

I think she was embarrassed and scolded the maid for giving food to the kid. I felt sorry for the maid.

Had the child been very young and do not understand what are rules and law, I wouldn't have said a peep. But this child is in preschool uniform and is clearly of the age when he can be made to understand rules and consequences. I hope this kid will not grow up to be one of the many disturbing, selfish teens who litter and spit in public places without shame.

And yes, I was extremely proud of myself..., I will admit unabashed that it was very 'shiok' feeling.

An excerpt

2009-02-02T00:20:00.004+08:00

My excerpt from an imaginary book...

My mind is the clearest at night. Like mice, I feel my thoughts burrowing the deepest in the quiet hours when others slumber. (Hence, why this blog is titled such.)

Long ago when my home was up North and my bed beside the window, I could observe the moon and stars right where I lie. I could see the shades of grey on the face of the moon, the bright glitter of some stars and the wanning light of others. I wondered from childhood what it would be like to live on the moon, as I wondered the same about clouds... a clear brainwashed effect from CareBears. I wondered if I would like the solitude esp. when I get tired and weary of the hustle and bustle and the incessant 'noise' around me. Naturally, logic and good sense prevails. It's not possible to live on the moon or in the clouds.

Tonight, I thought about the book I had wanted to write. The book about a boy who was stranded on a silver whale and his many advantures. I am still at Chapter 1. I have all the plots and intricate details worked out. But words fail me when I try to pen it. I don't think my thoughts would ever get inked. I don't want to excuse it as writer's block; I'm not a writer. It's just plain laziness and procrastination.

And I procrastinate too often, so often that it is becoming a habit. I think if I'm not careful, Procrastination will feast away my life. Already, I knew in my deepest soul, I had stopped living.

Lyra's 1st dip

2009-01-28T11:10:00.003+08:00

Lyra had her 1st dip in the pool on the 2nd day of CNY. Her parents and Gor Gor were definitely a lot more excited than she is. :) She seems to take to the pool, although she was quite apprehensive at first. The water was cold and Gor Gor was overly excited and kept splashing water when he demonstrated how to dive. The spa jet had calming effect and she appeared to enjoy that... wonder if it a woman's thing. After about 20 mins, mommy whisked her home for a quick shower. The swim/dip must have been exhausting and Lyra slept right through from 6.30 pm to 11.30 pm. Some pics of the penguin.

Lyra wearing Gor Gor's penguin suit
Ooo, backstroke...
1 for the camera
After this feet spa, a pedicure would be nice...

Lyra, Lyra, Lyra... ...

2009-01-25T00:19:00.006+08:00

Lyra is about 4.5 months now and already she is manipulating her daddy and mommy in her tiny little ways. You should see her piteous appealing look to us to interfere when Lucas is rowdy. And you should hear her screams of bloody murder when Lucas teases her at times. Lucas loves his sister to bits and Lyra loves playing with her Gor Gor.

Sitting like a queen, feeling like the king

"I'm really a sweet & demure little girl, not the kick-ass girl mommy says I am." *blinks innocently*

"Watashiwa kawayi des ka?"

Gor Gor's Peek-a-Boo comes complete with monkey faces

Lyra feeling tickled with Gor Gor's arm under her armpits

The perfect pic, finally

Suicide

2009-01-20T16:32:00.005+08:00

Recently, two persons who are not particularly close to me came to me for a listening ear. Both lost someone very dear to suicide just a month ago; one lost a mother and the other lost a best friend. Perhaps they felt I could understand or maybe they just needed a listening ear and I was around. In any case, I felt privileged that they trusted me.

Both were obviously depressed and guilt ridden. Suicide survivors are often laden with the "if only I had" burden. They wondered what they could have done to prevent it. They thought of instances where they should have spotted the signs and prevented it. In a way, I could relate to that feeling because that was exactly how I felt when I miscarried my last child; if only... ...

I couldn't offer much advice and I guess they weren't looking for that anyway. All I could share was my own experience as a "suicide addict". Hopefully, they would see that they really couldn't do much to change the person's mind.

Suicide is addictive. It becomes the default coping mechanism when things go wrong. I 1st toyed with suicide when I was Pr. 4. I popped my granny's pills. They turned out to be Vits. After that, I had many episodes where I tried to slit my wrist, cross the road with my eyes closed and popped Panadols with coke and alcohol. Each time, I felt the immediate relief that I did not die and the problem seemed more solvable. I believe most people who committed suicide, didn't want to die. They just couldn't see a way out and see how they could carry on living. Of my many suicide attempts, I had 3 close shaves- the 1st when I was in uni and my hostel mates rushed me to hospital with excessive bleeding. I was knocked out cold by the panadol and alcohol and I had cut my wrist in the daze. The 2nd time was when my parents found me foaming at my mouth and rushed me to hospital to have my stomach pumped. I had downed a concoction of 20 sleeping pills. Being a parent now, I could understand how my parents must have felt. What a terrible thing to do to your parents! The 3rd time, I was looking out of the window, preparing to jump when divine intervention stopped me. That's was why I chose to believe in God.

Anyway, nobody could have stopped me. Not the knowledge that people around me loved me, not that the problem will eventually be solved, not even when my best friend was there for me. I could only think of suicide, and if I live to tell the tale, great and if I die, well, that was the point anyway. So it didn't matter what everyone around me said or tried to convince me otherwise, I was deaf to what was said. And I would have done it again and again, until my luck ran out of course.

I hope these 2 friends of mine will let go and live their lives more richly than before. I hope they will continue to build the dreams they had and live the dream, with the person they lost in mind. Most of all, I hope they know it takes time to heal and they themselves won't do something drastic.

So what stopped me for the suicide cycle? It was divine intervention. But for those not as lucky as me, I would advise counselling.

What the fish?

2009-01-16T19:17:00.002+08:00

You learn something everyday...

Today, I learnt that there is no such thing as a plural fish! As in, you do not say, "my mom cooked 2 fishes" unless the 2 fishes are of totally different species. You should be saying, "my mom cooked 2 fish".

Fishes is also used as a verb of course.

Well, well...

Pantry talk

2009-01-05T17:54:00.002+08:00

My office largely comprises young, single professionals. But I never really realised how different our life path is until today when I had this really weird conversation with one of the sweet young things here. It goes something like that...

Me, just back from lactating and preparing to wash my pumps.

Young Girl (gasps at the 2 packets of milk): What's that?
Me: My milk?
YG: Really? How you take it out? (begins to eye breast pump suspiciously)
Me: I use the breast pump lor (waves at pump).
By now, 2 other guys are at the pantry and waiting for me to finish up my washing.
YG: WAHHH! Why you have 2 pumps? Pain or not?
Me: I have 2 breasts? No, not very pain... or maybe a litle when the milk lets down.
YG: (gasps) You mean your breast will sag down? How many litres you pump? So your breast will become double the size?
Me: (getting exasperated)... Erm, no... Let down is not sagging. It just means the milk coming in... and I pump only 200 ml if I'm lucky. (I consciously left the breast size out)
YG: (disappointed) Oh,... so little. I don't want to ever have to pump milk... I cannot stand pain. But I want to have little children.
Me: Well, breast milk is best for babies and the pain is bearable.
YG: Oh,.. so you just use this (points at pump) and squeeze the breast... Next time, I will just ask the doc to knock me out and take the baby out of me. I cannot stand pain.
Me: (totally exasperated)okay. (muttering under my breath, "yes, should just knock you out NOW...")

Pssst... I love you too

2009-01-05T13:05:00.002+08:00

My hubby sent me a very sweet SMS lately. It is not his usual style as he is not the romantic sort. But occasionally, he surprises me with such acts.

And of course, knowing that it would totally piss him off, I SMSed that it was "fishy" for him to send me such loving SMS. Okay, I'm insensitive and ungrateful. Vinc replied that he knew I would say it's fishy and expressed his disappointment with a SMS 'sigh'.

Well, it would have served me right if he never ever send me another loving SMS.

Why do clever woman do stupid things?

A mishap

2009-01-05T12:47:00.002+08:00

Some of you who have tried cutting a baby's nails would know it is a nail bitting experience. Those uncontrollable flailing hands and legs make it so hard. So it's probably no surprise that on Saturday, the inevitable happened - I snipped some flesh off Lyra's thumb.

Knowing that it is an inevitable outcome of course didn't lessen any of the guilt I felt. Her blood soaked plaster and mittens (to prevent her from sucking on the plaster/thumb) made me felt worse. Lyra was quite brave. She cried only for a short while, but the cut was deep so she was bleeding for quite a few minutes. Sigh...

And it didn't help that Vinc (mean mean man, you) kept reminding me by asking Lyra when I was within earshot, "how's your thumb Lyra? Mommy so careless ah...". And to think 4 years ago, when Lucas rolled off the bed on his watch, I was sensitive enough not to say anything as I know he would have been guilt-ridden... I know he was joking and poking fun at me... but still... ungrateful hubby... hmpf...
*** ***

Lyra darling, mommy didn't mean to be so butter-fingered and hurt you. Your wound would probably have healed but I think I'll be feeling bad for some time. I'm so sorry sweetie.

S*#T happens!

2008-12-20T00:22:00.002+08:00

I swear I'm a S*#T attractor. Really, all big and small S*#T happen to me all the time. Classic example would have to be when I was teaching. The WHOLE school was in the parade square for the morning assembly and I was standing in the centre and guess what,... a flock of birds went by and I felt something warm on my head. And it happened TWICE!!! What're the chances of that!!!

Anyway, it's always during something important that S*#T lands; like during one of the Minister's visit, I was tasked to recite the pledge and I happily reduce it by half... I forgot the words. Then there was the time I mimic this b/witch-of-a-boss, and she was standing right behind me. Then there was Lucas's Birthday last year where I fell with his cake.

So it's probably no surprise that tomorrow's Lucas's Birthday celebration and our fridge decided to take a break. Okay, it could have been worse, we could have collected his ice-cream cake today... ... BUT I had about 20 packets of EBM in the freezer! Those 20 pacs contained my sleep-deprived hard work. I was desperate for a fridge. Good thing I have good PR with my neighbours so I found a temporary storage. Phew...

But it was really a strange experience. I mean, how do you go around asking if your neighbour has some spare storage in the freezer for your breast milk? I'm not on such good terms as to bare my chest (metorphorically and literary) to them. It's a blessing that I have thick skin and shame immunity. I asked them if I could store my milk like I was asking if I could store some ice-cream. They were really nice and quickly rearranged the fridge for me.

Point is S*#T happens all the time... but for the most half of it, you just need a couple inches of thick-skin and just go with the flow.

And hey, half an hour later, my fridge was humming again, back from slumberland. I thought I shouldn't take the chance with my milk and it would be safer at my neighbours... then Vinc asked, "did you count the number of packets of milk???" ... ... oh man... ... S*#T!

Frustrations with the infant care

2008-12-04T09:43:00.004+08:00

Generally, I'm quite a chin-chai parent. I'm not a kan-cheong spider so I don't freak out if Lucas or Lyra had a slight injury and I don't rush down to the infant or childcare when teachers call to tell me my kid had a fall or a fight. I am quite calm and as long as they are not in imminent danger, I leave the teachers to do their work.

However, a few episodes at Lyra's infant care made me see red. To begin with, the teachers there are not that fantastic. They are quite seasoned aunties and seem lacking in energy. Of the many times I have been there, I don't see them playing or engaging the children. Their function as 'teacher' is primarily care-givers; i.e feeding and cleaning.

Yesterday, when I was picking Lyra, I found my frozen BM had thawed in their freezer. Their bar fridge just wasn't cold enough. This is the second time it had happened. The 1st time, they claimed the electrician switched off the fridge to use the plug. They were unaware the milk has thawed on both occassions.

What was more appalling was the teachers suggested re-freezing so as not to waste the milk! I thought it is common knowledge that you should never re-freeze your thawed food. Had I not check the fridge, Lyra would have been drinking milk that has gone stale, fallen sick and we would be none the wiser. Sigh... In all, I discarded 9packets of BM. Had my supply been constant and abundant like when I had Lucas, I probably wouldn't have been upset... but this time round, my milk is dwindling and I had made it a point to wake up at 3 am to express so that Lyra would have sufficient. All my hard work down the drain literally. It was most upsetting.

The teachers are also very blur and will forget to tell me when Lyra runs out of clothes or diapers. They would use other kids clothes and hankies for her. It was sheer luck that I discovered so many of their mistakes because they prevent parents from entering the premises. I had ignored the instructions and went in daily anyways to check on my milk and Lyra's drawers. I wonder what other horrors there are and if I should change to another infant care, albeit at a less convenient location.

Anyway, I'm going to have a word with the Principal. I wouldn't mind forking out money to buy them a new fridge if I had to.

Topsy turvy Lyra

2008-12-02T23:33:00.003+08:00

Lyra has adjusted to the infant care... hooray! Now, she will smile, laugh and chat with the teachers. She is a chatter-box and loves to have people parked right in front of her yakking away. Typical girl... I can see exploding phone bills in future. And there must be eye-to-eye contact when you chat with her or she will protest.

She is quite amazing. She is only 2 months and 3 weeks but her development surpasses the norm. Already, she is able to lift her upper body up on her arms and is able to turn from her front to her back. Lucas could do all these only when he was about 3-4 months and that was considered fast! We found that she could flip on one of the weekends when I distinctively remembered putting her on her tummy only to find her on her back a few minutes later. Sometimes, she shocks herself awake at night cos she turned from her favourite tummy pose to her back. After which she will wake up the entire neighbourhood (except Vinc) with her wails

Compared to some of the other infants I have seen, she is really very responsive; definitely not a 'gong kia'. :) I think in a year or so, I'll have my hands full with 2 fiery tempered and equally stubborn kids. And I think Lucas and Lyra are equally matched... ... although I suspect Lucas will probably be at the losing end in most battles. Not because he is weaker but because he is tough on the outside and a softie on the inside. He will probably give in to mei-mei and kick himself for it. Sigh,... ... I really love the 2 of them to bits... ...

Migraine again

2008-12-01T14:15:00.003+08:00

Today is my 1st day back at work after 11 weeks of Maternity Leave. I wonder if it is coincidence that my migraine attacked yesterday and today. :P

To be truthful, I haven't been completely out of touch with work either as my itchy backside will itch to log on and my fingers prompted to punch a few email replies. But I have tried very hard to curb the urge so these are limited to really VIPs (very important projects).

My colleagues are glad to have me back and already they have handed the projects they were covering back to me. I had requested to meet them tomorrow to hand over,... but guess they couldn't wait. :) Which is just as well since I don't want to sit and laze around.

For the rest of my ML, I'll be taking Wednesdays off till July 2009. I'm not sure if this will materialise as I'm workaholic and I can't leave work undone on a Wednesday. But I'll definitely try my best. Think I'll sign Lucas up for some fun courses to do then I'll have little choice but make sure I'm out of office.

From now till Lyra progresses to childcare in March 2010, my mornings and evening will have to run like clockwork so that I can send Lyra to infant care, Lucas to childcare, me to get to office on time and then the cycle repeats in reverse for evenings. I would also have to plan my day tightly so that I can express my milk at 10am, 1 and 4 pm. Unlike in MCYS (where my colleagues who are mostly parents), I doubt my colleagues here (who are mostly singles) will be as understanding and tolerant of my milk production schedule. And this time, it will really be a challenge since my milk factory is malfunctioning and barely meeting demand. Wonder if stress-laden milk will impact the taste and qaulity of milk.

Cheeky monkey & chubby hamster

2008-12-01T13:58:00.002+08:00

Lucas is really a proud Gor Gor. And he loves Lyra very much; never failing to kiss and hug her or sing and 'perform' for her. But lately, he has also been displaying som anxiety traits. He has been wetting his undies at night and recently he has been testing Vinc and my patience. He is also beginning to talk back and at times his rudeness is appalling. Just 2 days back, he asked if I was deaf... because I had asked him to brush his teeth twice even though he had responded the 1st time that he IS brushing his teeth. He would also want to do the same things as Lyra such as having milk when she is feeding or showering when Lyra is having her evening wipe down. Weekends are the worst as he is cooped at home all day. Half the time, he is asking if we can play with him. I'm usually too tied up with either doing housework or fussing over Lyra.

I think he is trying his best to adjust and I try to spend a little more attention and time on him but that's really also very limited. I'm sure it's tough on him.

Suffer the little children...

2008-11-18T11:49:00.002+08:00

My heart aches every time I read something like this in the papers. I don't understand how some people or worse, some parents, can treat defenseless children with such cruelty and brutality.

On Saturday, there was also an article about a little child dying at 1 years old because of a border strife in Myanmmar. She is just 1 of thousands dying of hunger, neglect and abuse.

At times when I read such reports, I wondered why God had allowed things like that to happen. I also wished I could do more to help and change the world, beyond just contributing money to World Vision. Then I grow frustrated at my own limitations and constraints.

Lyra's 1st day

2008-11-12T22:23:00.002+08:00

Today, Lyra went to the infant care for the 1st time. And unlike the usual mornings, she was not as chirpy and responsive as before. She is quite a sensitive child so I think she had some inkling as to what's going on.

When we got to the infant care and I put her in her crib, she looked around very suspiciously. Attempts to make her smile were futile, which is quite rare. She usually smiles quite readily for granny and me. We left quite quickly as we could sense that the teachers would prefer to not have us around.

Unlike with Lucas's 1st day at the infant care, I felt the separation anxiety this time. I left the centre with a very heavy heart. Maybe because Lucas is a boy and I had expected him to be very adaptable, whereas for Lyra, I had a soft spot for her. Within 1 hour, I was missing her. I had originally intended to enjoy the 'off' day and go shopping, but in the end, I went home, mope around and did some house work before heading out to run errands. Then I went to pick Lucas up earlier than usual so that we could both go pick Lyra.

Lyra didn't look happy when we were there. The teachers claimed she didn't cry and that she adapted well. I knew it wasn't true. There were still tears glistening at the corner of her eyes and she looked very tired. She drifted to sleep the minute she was in my sarong. When we got home, she woke up and started crying. Her voice was hoarse. My heart broke. I think she must have cried and yelled the whole day to be carried. The teachers had also insisted on swaddling and having her sleep on her back (to reduce SID) but she has always been sleeping on her tummy since a couple weeks old! Granny and I carried, rocked and tried to soothe her. But the minute we put her down, she cried to be carried again. She didn't smile or babbled when we gave her her evening wipe down. That's usually her favourite and she is normally very responsive. But today, she is a different girl. She just stared very intently at us.

During bed time, as advised by the teacher, to get her used to swaddling and sleeping on her back, I swaddled her and put her to sleep on her back. She was clearly uncomfortable. I was expecting her to scream, like she usually does when uncomfortable. But all she did struggle a little and made some whimper. It's like her spirit broke. And my heart broke too. :( After almost 30 mins, she drifted off to sleep.

Today, I felt horrible. I felt bad about her hoarse voice and her having a rough day. I know she will eventually adapt and this is unlikely to hurt her much... but that knowledge doesn't do much to lessen the guilt I felt. Today, I felt that same guilt and heartache as the day I was forced to leave Lucas's crying outside TTSH's meeting room when it was clearly time to go home. Today, I felt like I'm the world's worst mom.

Priority seat?

2008-11-11T23:39:00.002+08:00

I blogged about how people no longer give up their seats sometime back when I was preggy. Recently, all the corner seats in trains have a priority seat sticker. I'm 'entitled' to have a priority seat since I have both Lyra and Lucas, not to mention the 'luggage' that we drag along.

But so far, I have hardly been offered a seat; not even if I were to make my pressence felt right in front of those inconsiderate people glued to these priority seats. Today, I was again left standing while the 2 ladies occupying those blasted seats just glanced at me and looked away. The guy next to them also looked at me, gave the ladies a nasty look and then looked away as it was none of his business.

Argh... I wouldn't have been so mad if the stickers weren't there... but to remain so obviously callous about their own bad behaviour simply leaves me speechless. And the guy seated next to them must have felt very self-righteous... but to me, he is just as bad. He could have given up his seat too. There is really no excuse for bad behaviour.

And to add insult to injury, I wasn't able to board the lift even though I was the 1st to queue up. I stepped aside to let the people out and when the lift was almost cleared, everyone else rushed in. I had Lyra with me so I didn't want to risk pushing with them. But I gave all of them a nasty look and said very loudly that they ought to be ashamed. The person closest to the door then stepped out. I thanked him and walked in. After that, everyone waited till I was out before rushing out.

What has become of simple courtesy and graciousness? These are educated professionals!

Land where dreams come true...

2008-11-07T12:34:00.001+08:00

It was supposed to be a fun-filled 4 days in Hong Kong, comprising Ocean Park and DisneyLand. It was fun but not as much as I had expected. For a start, I missed Lyra much more than I thought I would. In fact, on the 1st night, I was starting to tear and had really wanted to go home. I called home every night and my mom told me Lyra adapted very well, even sleeping through the night,... but that was only while I was away. The minute I was back, she went back to waking for feeds. Guess she could smell the milk machine.

Lucas and I went to Ocean Park on the 2nd day while Vinc went Hi-Fi scavenging. Ocean Park outing was off to a bad start. It was pouring cats and dogs when we arrived at Ocean Park. The ponchos I bought were scarcely able to keep us dry. It was miserable as Lucas was really looking forward to it. The rides in the Kidsworld were cancelled, the games stalls were practically closed and the shows were also cancelled. So we walked around in the rain looking for stuff to do and in the end, decided to just skip the Kidsworld, take the cable car and head for lunch.

The cable car ride was about 20 mins and the view was great. I'm not a fan of heights so I didn't enjoy it as much as Lucas did. He had a good time gloating over my fear and poking fun at me. Then we took a long leisurely lunch. For once, I need not hurry Lucas to eat his meal and he seems to enjoy the food more. Thankfully, the rain stopped after lunch. We caught the Raging River raft ride and some sedentary merry-go-rounds. The rest of the rides are for teens and adults. The highlight is probably the 4 storey high aquarium. It had a good selection of big fishies and was an eye-opener for Lucas.

One of the things that really got me was the place was meant to be kids friendly but all the displays were out of their line of sight so I had to carry Lucas for most of them. That was quite tough as Lucas is now 17 kg. US aquariums are a lot more friendly with 2 view holes- one for kids and one for adults.

Frankly, having seen the aquarium in Monterey Bay, California, I haven't seen anything that matched the quality and quantity of display. Even Georgia Aquarium in Atlanta didn't match up.

We went to DisneyLand the next day. Compared to Tokyo Disney Land, I think Tokyo's better. HK's had very limited rides that were fun and exciting. I think the best age to go would be 3-4 years old. Older kids would have found it a bore. Girls who are into princessy things would probably like it too. Only a few rides and shows were really worth the dough; Lion King's Festival Musical was awesome, Mickey's 3D Magical show was 1 of the best 3D shows I watched, Stitch Encounter was quite entertaining and the River Cruise was not too bad. Lucas enjoyed himself and was so tired out the 1st day that he missed the booming parade that went by.

We had a 2-day pass but spent only 1.5 days there. I think 1.5 days is about right, allowing you enough time to explore and take some repeated rides. 1 day would have been a bit rushed.

The 4 days went by quickly but I was glad to be home to see Lyra. I told Lucas that we will go back to DisneyLand again when Lyra is 3 years old. Maybe we could head for a more exciting DisneyLand then. :)

More pics here.

Direct from the airport @ 0700 hrs

2008-11-02T07:03:00.000+08:00

Lucas, Vinc and myself will be boarding the plane in another 30 mins and since I have some time on hands, thought I'll do a quick entry.

The 3 of us will be heading to Hong Kong for a 4 day fun-filled tour of Ocean Park and Disney Land. The trip is meant to allow us some private time with Lucas. With the arrival of Lyra, it is inevitable that Lucas might feel a bit neglected so this trip will allow him some undivided attention.

Since Lyra is only 6 weeks, I had thought it wouldn't pose much of a problem to leave her with my mum, and a big storage of BMilk. At 6 weeks, babies generally do not have any attachment or recognition of their main care givers. I was wrong.

Last night, Lyra had a tough time adjusting. She obviously knows granny is not mummy and cried very pitifully. She also rejected the milk bottle. After almost 2 hours of crying, she drifted off to sleep, only to wake up 1 hour later. Again, she rejected attempts to bottle feed her. Sigh... we had assumed that since she is okay with the bottle in the day, she would be okay at night. :( I felt horrible. Every cry tug at me and I had to control my tears.

Then my mom had an idea. She tossed one of my well-worn t-shirt over her shoulder and immediately, Lyra calmed down. The smell must have been familiar and soothed her.

Anyway, I hope and pray that she will adjust well. More updates again when I'm back.

All in good time

2008-10-17T17:59:00.000+08:00

I had planned my life according to a timeline. I wanted to be married by 26 years old, have my 1st kid by 28, 2nd by 30, own a condo by 30 and retire by 58. So far, I'm behind my plan by 2 years.

After I had Lucas, I wanted a 2 year gap before No.2. I read and heard that 2 years gap is the best as they can have a playmate. I was successful and got pregnant. But I miscarried. I tried and once again, I miscarried. The 2nd miscarriage was devastating. I was really disappointed and discouraged. And I was pressed for time. By then, the gap was 3 years. Yes, I'm a very goal-oriented person. :P

About this time I stopped praying. I had prayed fervently for the safety of the baby and I felt betrayed when I miscarried a 2nd time.

I went for TCM and gave myself 1 last chance. I was very blessed to have Lyra. The age gap is almost 4 years, way behind my intended 2 years.

On hindsight, the delayed gap turned out to be a good thing. Lucas is at the age where he can be reasoned with and understood why we couldn't spend as much time with him. He had also been a great little helper. Had I been successful in my planning, I doubt I would have coped as well. Lucas would have been too young and clingy.

My colleague told me everything happens in God's time and we wouldn't be able to understand his plans. She gave me a book which talked about Grace-based Parenting.

Recently, I started praying again. I used to pray that Lucas will turn out to be a good person. But now, I prayed that I would be guided by His hand to teach and parent Lucas and Lyra in his grace. The difference between the 2? The first had the assumption I'm the best parent and the end result is up to God. The 2nd is humbled and acknowledges that we are not the best parent, although we try to be.

Half of what I was... but happier...

2008-10-17T13:40:00.000+08:00

Recently, a friend whom I know half my life commented that I have changed, that she could see I'm now 'at peace'. Her comment came as a surprised because I never thought I was not 'at peace'. In fact, I had always lived with the view that should I collapse at my laptop the next second, I would have no regrets. She didn't elaborate more and I didn't ask.

Then I read Ms Sui's blog about her reflections on her experience being a short-termed SAHM and her experience. I read it with interest because she sounded like ME more than a decade ago. We both seemed to have lived our life in a reversed cycle.

I had lived my life on the edge, done things I'm both proud and not so proud of. I have climbed mountains and backpacked alone to far-flung places where you had to dig your own shit hole, took some risks and some absolutely stupid chances, took many less travelled routes and hurt far too many people. I have gone to the 'woods', chopped down some trees and chatted with the monkeys. But I was never as happy as I am now.

I think my desire to live life with vengence stemmed from my fear of normality. I was afraid of the mundane, of living the life of average Joe or Jane. I lived with the assumption "there must be more than life than xxx ". Yet, in a very oxy-moronic way, I felt there was nothing else life could give, so I lived with total abandonment. In a way, I think I resembled the character, Tristan (played by Brad Pitt), in Legends of the Fall. I was searching for something but I didn't know what it was.

I'm not sure what changed me. Maybe it was age, maybe it was on that particular night, on the edge of my window when I heard what I thought was God, or maybe it was just having kids. Normality and the mundane no longer scares me. In fact, I kind of enjoy it now. I think I have had enough of the 'been there, done that' that I no longer crave for the unknown. In a way, I am half of what I was and yet fuller than what I was.

Life is Life - there isn't a more or less to it, and there is only NOW. So, I guess you can live your life to the fullest in many ways and the point is to be happy with the present.

If I had to live my life over again, would I? Heck, yeah... with all the scraps and cuts in a heartbeat.

When you have time on your hands...

2008-10-08T17:26:00.000+08:00

My confinement period is almost up and I'm planning on a food rampage. I miss laksa and I miss ice-cream. And of course I miss a nice ice cold fizz. Yum...

After my confinement, I would still have about 4 weeks of leave. I'm already thinking of the options I have to utilise them. The options are of course limited to breast-feeding friendly places since I will have Lyra dangling off my boobs. But I realised (actually I realised this many years ago), I'm really a bore. I have absolutely no idea where and what I can do when I have free time.

Just yesterday, Ms Sui asked me what I would do if I have 3 hours of free time... I gave it really a hard think... and then I told her roller-blading and hanging out at some alfresco dining with a good book. I was actually just trying to be clever and 'hip'. Well, at least they seemed like hippy ideas.

But seriously, I wouldn't do that. Imagine, I would have to travel to East Coast and then blade around like a lonely idiot! Pigging out at some buffet seems not too bad, but food just don't taste half as good alone. So I don't think I would do what I suggested at all. Mostly likely, I would stick around at home, staring at my PC, hoping for some work emails so that I can be kept occupied. Yes,... I lead quite a pathetic life.

I'm still raking for ideas so if you have some, do let me know. Do bear in mind about my 'boob-extension' though. ;)

You'll never walk alone...

2008-10-03T00:05:00.001+08:00

Lucas has been 'branding' the whole family in numbers with his marker the past 2 days. He wrote '1' on all of our hands; grandpa, grandma, daddy, mommy and himself. Lyra was spared as I told him she may be sensetive to the ink. And the reason for his 'label'? He said since he has numbered all of us as '1', if any of us got lost, others can help us find each other. That way, we will never lose one another. Brilliant!

Say cheese

2008-09-21T12:05:00.000+08:00

I forgot how amazing it was to watch babies change everyday. Below are some updated pics.

Lucas is coping quite well and has been a great gor gor. He helps around with some of the chores like running for the diapers. When Lyra cries, he will quickly take a look and try to make funny faces to entertain her. Naturally, he has been a bit whiny and more sticky, but he tries to manage it and is understanding when we explain why I'm not available some times. I'm very proud of him. He is showing a lot of maturity. Occasionally, when he gets a bit out of hand, I remind myself that he is afterall coming to 4 years old. This is not an easy time for him and he will need time to adjust to the transition.

Being mom the 2nd time

2008-09-17T12:01:00.000+08:00

I thought I'm all prepared. But boy, is being a mom the 2nd time tough. I can't imagine how some of my friends cope with 3 & 4! Maybe it's age, maybe just the lack of time, now that everything has doubled (like laundry) and time remains the same.

But I'm enjoying the process and this time, I have my mom staying with me, so it is a lot easier. Plus, hubby's 'experienced' and he has been such a great help.

So far, many has commented that Lyra resembles Lucas. Judge for yourself.

Lyra being burped by mommy
Lucas being burped by daddy

Lyra's bath
Lucas's bath

Lyra at 2 days old
Lucas at 2 days old

Can you tell them apart?

Lunch @ Lawry's

2008-09-05T16:07:00.000+08:00

I had a nice (and very expensive) lunch with hubby at Lawry's yesterday. I was clearing my leave and Lawry's had what sounded to be a very worthwhile 1-for-1 lunch promotion. So hubby and I thought we should give it a try.

His verdict and mine were mixed... but we concurred that it is one of those places you will go only once. The ambience and the service were what we expected of a classy place, although it was pretty packed for a weekday lunch. Most diners appear to be there for the 1+1 promotion.

The lunch started quite awkwardly with a introduction from a young malay service staff. For some reason, she had a really weird twang and eccent, I couldn't make out 50% of what she was saying or introducing. I squinted and tried very hard to lip read without much success. Hubby and I looked quizzically at each other.

After the heavily eccented girl was done with her introduction, another staff promptly served some warm bread. I took a few bites for taste. It was fresh, soft and warm but otherwise unimpressive. Once I laid down my bread, the 'salad girl' pushed a rolling 'salad' table over and introduced us to the "spinning bowl' salad. The freshly tossed salad was quite appetizing but the tomatoes were a far cry from what Hubby had tasted at Akashi (which was flown in from Jap and supposedly tasted heavenly).

Next, we were served the steak. We ordered the Singapore Cut which was a bigger cut. The 'steak chef' was on hand to carve the steak with the appropriate doneness right beside the table. Mine was supposed to be well-done but it looked more medium done with pink streaks. The steak was juicy and tender with some bits of fat. It was quite good, although it wasn't the best steak I have had. The best I had tasted was when I stayed at Westin Buckhead in Atlanta. The horse radish (resembling wasabi) served with the steak is decent and provided a nice compliment. But the vegetable on the side (whipped potato and peas) were a disappointment. They tasted fozen and mass produced, not unlike those frozen packs you picked up at NTUC.

Overall, I think it's one of those places you want to go to just for the "been there' experience. For the price tag of about $120, after the 1+1 promotion, Hubby and I concluded we are not suited for high society living. As hubby said, the $1 coffee shop ice lemon tea tasted a lot nicer than the $6+++ one we had.

Pride vs submission

2008-09-03T17:00:00.000+08:00

Ms Sui's blog was in the mind since I read it. Loosely it's about the power play between women and men.

A few of my colleagues and close friends are very strong, independent and capable multi-taskers. They have strong views on life and they are obviously very modern women. At home, they adopt a different persona. They morphed into these manja, lovey-dovey, submissive women. They do not hide the fact that their husband decide on what they wear (which I thought was ridiculous), they put up with the husband's dismissive or patronising remarks, they let the husband make the major decisions, and the husband's needs take priority. The husband is KING. I used to scorn at how spineless they are and how they should learn to stand their ground. Yet, these are the girls I know who have the best relationships with their spouse.

I remember observing one such couple at my organisation's National Day Observance Ceremony a few weeks ago... They were there to watch their daughter perform. I know both the husband and the wife. The wife is quite an impressive worker and boss. But when she was with the husband at that auditorium, she was this giggly, soft-spoken, demuer 'thing'. I really couldn't reconcile the two. I observed her with both irritation, confusion and a twinge of envy. The couple looked like they were in a bubble of bliss, oblivious to the world.

I wondered if I have been too strong and independent for my own good. So much so people around me have come to expect that I should take care of not just myself but also the people around me. My husband knows I'm perfectly capable of taking care of myself. I half think he expects it. My friends think the same, although a few of the wiser ones worry that I'm stretching it. And I have come to expect it of myself, even in the most unrealistic of times... I find it hard, extremely hard, to ask for help, even from the people closest to me. And when help is offered, I do not always take it. Over time, the offer of help dissipates, as to be expected.

What really made me realised it was a problem I needed to fix was when the comment of one of my colleagues when I took over some tasks I had delegated to him because I didn't want to burden him. He said, "You didn't really needed us. You did everything yourself in the end... I was really quite redundant." He probably said this half in jest or meant it as a compliment but I felt embarrassed. When you try to do everything yourself, you don't neccessarily end up helping others around you; you end up isolating them.

And I wondered if my hubby and people close to me felt that same. I wondered if in my zest and desire to do everything perfectly and not burdened anyone, I end up isolating them, making them feel redundant and dispensable. I would hate feeling that way, because one of the most powerful motivation is probably the feeling of being needed.

... Although, I don't think I'll morph into some giggly twerp... ...

Bout of blue

2008-09-02T15:20:00.001+08:00

Maybe it is the lack of stress at work to occupy me... I've been having a bout of blues recently. Now that I have time on my hands with all my projects completed, I'm catching up with my facebook, emails and blogs. And it made me even more acutely aware of how cut off I've been.

Maybe it is the hormones going haywire in the last stage of pregnancy... or it is pre-partum disorder of sorts... I have been getting paranoia thoughts (again). I recently discovered how much I don't know about what's going on in my hubby's life, other than the fact that he is very engaged in playing WarCraft. Questions about how's his day renders the same "nothing much" answer. Unlike before, I no longer know who his friends are, how he spent his day, who he lunches with, what's his work like etc... For someone as control freak as me, it's actually quite scary not knowing.

But I'm also quite tired of asking because somehow I cut across as being interogative or being nosey or just plain controlling, even if I have the best intention of just making conversation. Somehow, it just my questions puts across the message.

I realised I feel the same anxiety about my friends too. I no longer know what's happening with my friends, other than maybe they had a kid or that they recently just went on a trip etc. I sometimes feel I'm alone... I feel (and fear) I'm losing touch and losing connection with those that matter to me.

I have lot of annual leave to clear... but I have no idea what to do with those and anyway, I have no interest to do anything at all. I've been sleeping a lot, and I end up even more tired. I read that all these are signs of depression. But I don't really feel that depressed... just lost and lonely.

My consolation is that I hope this is a passing phase and I'll swing back to my usual self in no time.

Placenta & cannibalism

2008-08-26T10:01:00.001+08:00

There was an article on Sunday Times about a group of enterprising mommies who set up a service to encapsulate the placenta so that mommies (and their newborns) can eat the placenta. They are a bunch of medical professionals and lab assistants.

I marvel at the idea and I applaud their innovativeness. There are many articles on the benefits of consuming placenta and just as many that says it is an urban myth. For me, I belong to the former. You see this in the animal kingdom. Cats (wild and domestics), dogs, deers, horses (mammals mostly) consume their placenta immediately after birth. So why not humans? And there are tons and tons of beauty products and health supplements that contains placenta from animals. Some people go as far as to inject "Yang2 Tai1 Shu3" (goat's placenta) into their body to rejuvenate their skin. If I'm going to eat and spread the placenta of a goat, then why not my own?

Sure, the initial thought is disgusting of course, but hey, if it comes in capsules... I don't mind. I guess my fear is mitigated by the fact that I did not see my own placenta when Lucas was born... but the idea is probably revolting for Vinc who actually saw it in raw form. To many, it is probably a form of cannibalism, except that you are cannibalising yourself. (Hmmm, the idea appeals to the very morbid side of me... :) )

Anyway, after reading the article and a careful 5-sec deliberation, I emailed the ladies to ask for their service. It will cost me around $250 to have the placenta processed and put into capsules. I'll let you know if it is a worthwhile investment when I'm done popping all the pills.

Love me not this way...

2008-08-24T02:21:00.000+08:00

Recently, when Lucas doesn't get his way or when he gets scolded for doing something wrong, he will tell me, "You say you love me, love me is not this way." Yes, he is emotionally blackmailing me already.

I have tried explaining to him, there are many ways to love someone and show love and discipline is one of them. I tell him I love him so I want him to know what is right and wrong and loving him doesn't mean he gets everything he wants. He is beginning to understand although that pet phrase still recurs.

Chilli Padi

2008-08-24T01:45:00.000+08:00

My hopefully-soon-to-be-delivered Lyra that is... She is small(er) according to the Doc's estimation. It will be good if she hits 3 kg at birth. But I'm sceptical. Lucas was 3.27 kg at birth and in all, I gained 10 kg. This time round, I gained only 7 kg so simple maths will tell you she should be much lighter.

But judging by her Wu2 Ying2 Jiao3 (No-Shadow-Legs), she is anything but a weak gal. I have began to dub her as Chilli Padi... She gave me contractions a few days back and it turned out that while I had contractions, there was no dilation. I was advised to rest, monitor and wait 24 hours... supposedly, Lyra would be arriving within that 24 hours. Well, 24 hours came and gone and another few more 24 hours came and gone... I'm quite frustrated with the waiting. Her kicks are not the nice, sweet butterflies in the stomach kinda of feeling that preggies get. She takes glee in jabbing me in my sides and ribs. At times, her jabs will literally make me jump, at times, I will gasp as if someone punched me in my stomach. I'm really not complaining, but I'm also not relishing in the discomfort either.

The thing is, I'm impatient to see her. I have waited so long for this little precious girl and I have been through so much worry, doubt and fear that something would happen to her (as with the previous 2 miscarriages) that I just want her out so that I know she is safe and sound. Until I see her with my own eyes and hold her in my arms, I don't feel that I'm able to protect her. Yes, illogical... yet, I can't help the negative thoughts.

Lucas has been wonderful. Each time I groan or go 'ouch', Lucas will carress my tummy and advise, "Lyra, don't kick too hard okay? Mummy pain pain." I have a feeling that as much as Lucas is a kick ass boy, Lyra will probably have him twirled round her thumb... I think she could probably be the bully of the 2...

For now, it is just a waiting game.

(Update on Kovan breakins: I realised I forgot to close the loop on this. The culprit's been caught. He is a resident! Which explains why he knows the place so well and could have accessed the apartments. He is a 31 year old unemployed Singaporean Chinese. He was caught when he used one of the credit cards he stole to purchase a Rolex. Anyway, our petition worked. We will be getting the grilles installed at the Dev's cost.)

2008-08-17T07:12:00.000+08:00

My projects just completed and I finally have some time to do non-work stuff. So one of the things I did was to browse through the blogs I have in my favourite.

And I read Vinc's blog with a sense of guilt and twinge of sadness. I know it was a passing episode and like him, I too wonder if I'm a good parent. I never quite got bothered about what other parents or adults think ... but I have been such from young. I never quite bothered with the opinions of inconsequential others.

Lucas IS very sticky to me and recently he has been displaying tantrums like this. He's usually okay and will not push his limits but these days, he will test and stretch our patience. I put it down to sibling anxiety. I heard it from several friends who had their second, that the 1st born gets difficult on purpose to draw your attention. Recently, whenever he is upset or me upset with him, he will cry "I want mommy to love me"... I don't know what gave the impression I don't... I guess at the "ONLY" that he left out in that comment.

But what struck a guilt chord in me is that I have always thought I'm the only one who is concerned with being a 'good parent'. Somehow, I had always thought Vinc is be not too bothered and at times I seethed at why he isn't trying harder to be a better parent... My mistake. I should have known better that most, if not all, parents want to do a better job.

I can identify with his longing for a break... I too have been desiring a break for a long long time. But our responsibilities demanded that we place our needs second. And at the back of my mind, I think of how short Lucas's childhood would be and how fast it will be before I lose him to a world of distractions from friends, school, CCAs, exams and so on. And how fast, "I want mommy" will be replaced by "I want freedom", "I want my own life". I'm always guided by not wanting to regret not spending time that inevitably I neglected Vinc. I had of course expected that him being adult and Lucas's dad, would have shared the same view as me. Guess I had been wrong.

To realise I was mistakened by reading his blog... well... ouch... I wondered what went wrong, when and how. Conversations are short these days. As much as I want t0 initiate a conversation, it never went beyond the mundane. I long to share about I feel about parenting Lucas, and I will always end up sharing it with my ex-colleagues, instead of Vinc. Maybe he too had the impression that I knew what I was doing since I always had this "I know better than thou" attitude. But truth be told, I'm clueless. My ex-colleagues are bombarded with emails asking for views and advise on parenting. I deemed them better parents than me.

Vinc thinks he is 2nd priority... as much and as hard as I try,... Lucas demands more of my time. And I can split myself in only so many ways. I don't know how I can do better or cope better... some thing has got to give... I can only be a good mom or good wife... somehow, I never manage being both. People tell me, I need to also have time for myself and as Fandi Ahmad's wife said, "you must take care of yourself before you can take care of your family". I wonder how?

Much ado about parenthood incentives

2008-08-06T23:23:00.000+08:00

Every few years when the gov decides to introduce a slew of measures to boost fertility rate, there would be much griping from singles on how they are being discriminated and how they are overlooked by the government. Then it would proceed into a free-for-all parents and pregnancy bashing campaign.

For a few nights in a row, this has kept me awake. It was triggered by Sumiko Tan's article lamenting about the injustice of any parenthood measures and the onslaught of forum reply supporting her cause. I was kept awake because I was mentally drafting a letter to her... but I never got round to doing it yet so I'm having my discourse here.

In ST's article and the many forum letters that followed, many lamented about the inconvenience that parents and pregnancy posed to them... e.g. pregnant women had to go for check ups, then they are off to 3 months of maternity, leaving the colleagues to cover the duties and parents had to take children to see docs etc. My question is.. how often does a woman get pregnant in her working life? 1, 2 maybe 3 times in the entire career. That's 36 weeks. Now, how many times does a man go on reservist in his entire career? He would have to go for reservist EVERY YEAR for a stretch of 2-3 weeks. At times, reservist calling in twice a year (like one of my colleague). You do the Math. And if you have an unfit colleague, there is also RT which sees him knocking off at 4 pm. Who covers for them? I'm sure the load is shared, regardless if you are pregnant or parents. And what more, the 2 years of NS is compensated in pay. I'm sure the pain, literary, that women go through for childbirth is no lesser than what men went through for NS. And the opportunity cost is just as high. You don't hear parents heave a hue and cry about this.

And I absolutely disagree with what many said that pregnancy affects work quality. What absolute rubbish. I find myself working harder and longer because I feel the need to prove that I'm just as effective and productive pregnant or not. In fact, I work even faster and make sure I complete my projects, knowing that I'll be away for maternity leave. Maybe a small percentage might take advantage of their condition... but that's not restricted to pregnancy... bad work ethics is not caused by pregnancy!

The singles who wrote also lamented that they can't take leave during the hols because the leave is 'reserved' for parents. REALLY! Singles have 10 months in which they can clear their leave anytime! And they want t gripe about parents who can only take leave during the school hols... and do they really want to pay the peak season charges and face the crowd of tourists during those period??? I think not. Unlike singles, parents can't go for long stretch holidays anyway; singles can CHOOSE to take 3 weeks and scoot off in a flash. Parents need to plan, way in advance, pay more, book early and face the crowd. Come on, a little give and take?

The singles also lamented that they too have parents to feed and therefore need more tax rebates like parents. Doesn't that then make married parents have a double whammy? They too have their own parents, plus the children, sometimes plus the spouse's parents, siblings and others. Unlike singles who needs only to be responsible for themselves and their parents, married parents often have more dependents. Yes, singles are contributing to society... but so are working mothers. The gov policies are sound. They support those who work.

In any case, it is NOT that the gov favours and values parents or devalues singles... It is a pragmatic choice to support parenthood. The nation needs to replace itself to sustain a growing economy. So the gov needs to have more babies now because 20-30 years down the road, they will be the ones to grow the economy. By then, taxes is likely to go up because it would then need to support the mass of singles and childless marrieds who are probably past their economic viable years. So it is a pragmatic choice. It doesn't make economic sense to rebate the singles now because it will not help the economy in the long run.

So for the singles who kick up a fuss and cry foul, bear in mind of the future hands that will feed Singapore and don't bite the hands that will feed you.

Lucas the octopus

2008-08-06T23:06:00.000+08:00

Lucas is at the age where he says the darnest things... you really don't know whether to laugh or cry... He is quite KL (like mom) so some of the things he said really makes you quite "dui"... Here are some recent examples...

Episode 1
Lucas hold on to biscuit in one hand and a 0.20 cent coin in the other.
HS: Lucas, you have to hold me hand. This is a carpark you know.
Lucas: I hold biscuit in this hand (lifts left hand) and 20 cents in this hand (lifts right hand). You think I octopus ah? I have 2 hands only LEH...
HS: ... ...

Episode 2
At the carpark. HS walking behind Lucas.
Lucas: MOMMMMIEEEEEE, you not holding my hand! This is a carpark you know? If I don't remind you, you must remind yourself! hiaz... (holding on to HS's hand)
HS: ... ...

Episode 3
Lucas with Granny on a sunny day
Granny: Wah.. so hot... Lucas walk in the shade. So hot. Later you fall sick.
Lucas: Noooo, you must walk in the sun. Sun gives you Vitamin D.
Granny: Where got Vitamin? I cannot see...
Lucas: That's why lah.. you didn't walk in the sun, no vitamin, now cannot see also...
Granny: ... ...

Episode 4
Lucas using metal spoon over the open flame of the stove.
HS: LUCAS! Cannot play with fire! Do dangerous. Do you want to burn the house down???
Lucas: Won't, mommy. It is metal. Won't burn... you see your pot also metal.
HS: ... ... yes, but metal is a god conductor.. it will get hot and burn your hands!
Lucas: Nooooo mommy.., won't. When it gets hot, I'll drop the spoon (demonstrate by dropping the spoon). See, won't burn!
HS: ... ...

Usually, the arguments or rather conversation last longer than these but I'm often left flabbergasted.

Extolling the virtues of family dinners

2008-07-21T18:24:00.000+08:00

My vendor sent me this really neat article extolling the virtues of having family dinner. The article is very well-written and very tongue-in-cheek.

I'm a firm believer of family dinners. I used to have them very regularly with my parents until the teenage angst set those dinners to be mini battle grounds.:) But it was a great time and my very democratic family strongly believed that if you have a point in your argument, it is a fair fight. So we have shouting matches at the dinner table. Everyone, and I do mean, everyone, is equal. No hierarchy, no "I'm dad so you jolly-well listen to me". At the end of it, some conclusions were drawn and we (my sis and I) were left with making what my parents hoped would be a wiser decision. And we end the evening clearing the table together and doing the dishes and other chores. Dinners bonded us. To the untrained eye, my family probably appeared dysfunctional.

It was at these family dinners, that I learnt that my views were valued and heard. I learnt that I have to speak my mind if I want to be heard and understood. Maybe that's why I'm a quarrelsome person to some... I relish in a good argument. Of course, it would have been much easier had my parents dictated how I should behave and decisions I ought to make- I wouldn't have taken roads less traveled, end up with possibly lesser heart-aches and probably be a lot more sane in mind.

But because I was given a chance to air my views at those dinners, a chance to make my own decisions, I also learnt to live by the consequences. I can't turn around and blame someone else. And I grew wiser in the wrong decisions I made and became stronger as a result of many failures. And in a very masochistic, egoistical way, Im actually rather smug about how I had been-there, done-that... Some people can only now dream or wish they had done exactly what I did with their life.

Much happened at those dinners. Besides arguments, we also shared many jokes and funny anecdotes about our friends, updates on our life etc. So it really pains me when my friends, colleagues and some parents I know don't eat dinners with their family. It is not a simple affair of just eating together... it is the whole magic behind that act, which opens up the doorway for more understanding and conversation. And it is a ritual that must have it roots early in the family tradition.

We have 200

2008-07-21T18:17:00.000+08:00

We managed to collect about 200 signatures and the letter was submitted in. The Developer gave a quick reply to say they are looking at the matter and checking the feasibility of putting up the grills.

It sounds like lip service to me... but I'll be fair and give them the time needed to sort this out. 1 month and if nothing moves, we would have to step up the pressure.

Along my rounds to get people to sign the letter, I encountered some really nice and sweet people and of course those who were already frustrated and was glad to see me at their door with a look of empathy and a listening ear. I don't really mind listening to their complaints, but it was really quite late (11 pm) and they really should have noticed my bulging tummy and not lament for more than 15 mins.

I guess if I should ever consider being a volunteer for PAP, this would be pretty good training for those "Meet the People" sessions.

Updates on recent break-ins

2008-07-06T02:22:00.000+08:00

I last posted about my home being broken into. Here's an update.

I met up with some affected residents last Wednesday and we decided that we should call for a meeting with more residents staying at the affected blocks. We met today and decided that we should petition to the Developer.

It is probably no surprise that Singaporeans are an apathetic lot. While most are supportive and coorperative, no one wants to the take the lead. I guess everyone is just so busy and just waiting for someone else to do the job. Anyway, I somehow became the village head/indian chief of sorts. It is not something I desire since I'm already pressed for time for my work and feeling all the discomfort from the pregnancy. But seems like no one is stepping up to the plate and this is something I feel quite strongly. Maybe I'm just a quarrelsome person. :P

Anyway, it became my role to rally the support, write the letters and liaise with the people concerned.

I hope it won't be a futile attempt and I hope in the end, the Developer would do something without us taking too drastic measures. But I'm pretty prepared... if the situation is not salvage, we may have to escalate this to a media and legal tussle. sigh...

Someone has been here!!!

2008-07-01T00:34:00.000+08:00

This evening started out quite uneventful until I got home and one of my neighbours from downstairs came by with a shocking news. Apparently, a burglar is on the loose in my condo and he broke into several houses today. He scaled through the kitchen windows via an open ledge at the lift landing. For my block alone, he covered all 16 apartments, mine included. He probably had a great shopping at other blocks too.

I was naturally appalled and the list of valuables that have been looted raced through my mind... My jewelry is left unlock since I am lazy to have to rummage for them, the IBook is left on the sofa, Lucas's 2 fat piggy banks with several pieces of fifty notes and coins is proudly displayed in his room etc etc.

After my conversation with my neighbour, I went mentally prepared to check out my lost goods... Lo and behold! Nothing went missing! Not my diamonds, or the thick wad of CNY $2-$10 dollars. The Ibook is left untouched and Lucas's piggies not slaughtered either. Extremely strange. I couldn't believe my luck and I went to check through the items again. I couldn't find anything missing.

I roped in Vinc to do a check. He has a keener eye for details. He found telltale footprints on the window ledge. 2 sets of different men's prints to be exact. He also discovered some the boxes which contained some unimportant misc items (like clothes hangers) moved, and very carefully replaced to be almost at the exact locations (except it is tilted). So someone has definitely been into our house and looked through our things.

I opened my lingerie drawers and found that they has also looked through my private collection and tried to arrange them back... EEEkkkk... Those perverts! I would have to soak my bras and undies with Dettol!

Vinc speculated that besides breaking in, they were also doing a recce to see which other units are worth a second visit. Hence, they didn't want to alert home owners. My dad (who is an ex-policeman) thinks it is likely an inside job and that if not caught, they will revisit. He suggested to 'trap' them by getting the neighbours to lock all windows and leave only a couple of 'trap windows' open and closely monitored.

What freaks me is that I could have been home alone with Lucas when something like that happen. I am not sure what I would have done in that scenario other than to protect Lucas from harm. I'm gonna see the management office tomorrow to get something done about those open ledge. And in the meantime, I'm going to lock my windows and also set booby traps for this trespasser... it is a long way down from where I stay.

What's in a name?

2008-06-28T23:06:00.000+08:00

It's no secret that I have been longing for a baby girl and I thought I had all things planned, including the stocking up of baby girl clothes since 3 years ago. And I even had names picked... But as THE DAY draws closer, we are no where near deciding on a name. Picking a name is such a difficult business. You have to pre-empt the nicknames that might be pinned to it. Then you worry about age-old relatives who are not be able to pronounce the name. Then you worry if the name will be too common... For example, I thought Lucas was a unique name but it turns out many other great minds think like mine.

When I was naming Lucas, I also had a hard time. But I was lucky then as I had a bunch of close-clique colleagues who helped me to pick the name. In fact, Lucas was named by my ex-colleagues and not by Vinc or family members. His chinese name was translated by Auntie S and mix-matched by Uncle G. My other colleagues had a role in preventing me from naming him some names that no one can pronounce... which on hindsight, I thank their great wisdom. It would have trully been disastrous to have called Lucas, 'Vladimir'. I still like the name but I doubt it would be pronounce the way it should be at, say a poly clinic, or childcare centre.

Anyway, back to naming my girl. It is hard to find a name starting with L for a girl, with nice meanings and not too common and not being too long or complicated. I thought I had chosen quite a nice few (Letitia, Lerrisa, Lucille, Lucia etc) until I put it to a poll with my ex-colleagues (given the success they had with Lucas). All the names didn't gel with someone. The Chinese name was worse since I want it to match the 'grandeur' of Lucas's Chinese name which means 'peak of the Universe'. That's very hard to beat...

Then I thought I'll get Vinc involved and got him to choose a name. He did. It was a nice name but one which no doubt will draw laughter amongst my relatives. When I told my parents, it brought tears to my mother's eyes... from laughing too much... they couldn't contain their laughter before giving us their blessing.

I thought long and hard about it for many weeks. Vinc and I really liked the name... and I think I should stick to the fact that I had asked Vinc to pick a name so I should stand by what he chose. We just had to content ourselves that my girl may not appreciate the trouble we went through to choose her name.

So it is decided and cast in stone. My girl will be Lyra Wong Yu Hum. Lyra refers to one of the brightest constellation of stars. It also means song, harp or lyre. Yu Han (Yu Hum in Cantonese) means possessing the universe... So I have a boy at the peak, and I have girl holding the universe in her hands.

I would have to teach her how to fend off nicknames and not let it get to her in her growing years. But if she has Vinc and my traits, it probably wouldn't bother her much.

Workaholics anonymous

2008-06-28T22:37:00.000+08:00

I have been dead busy since my last post and so many things happened that I don't quite know where to start. Apart from my precious baby girl due on 8 Sept, I also have a set of twins due on 14 and 15 August. This pair is my 2 major projects for this year, and frankly, I'm probably giving them alot more attention than I should and at the expense of sleep and rest... Yes, I know I should be resting more esp. given the 'condition' I am in... at the same time, I need to deliver results (and a healthy baby too). For one, I don't believe that work load should be cut or reduced just cos one is pregnant and two, I have no desire to burden my colleagues or share the accolades of a job I know I can do well.

For years, people I work with from different organisations have called me workaholic. I have always resented that because that title just have a very bad ring to it. It means a person who is not only addicted to work, who can't function without work and who will work at all other expense. I do not think I am like that, altho I'm sure people who know me will beg to differ. I like being productive and I take a lot of pride being able to deliver good results. Of course I work for the hope of a better bonus and promotion, but I think even if those are not in sight, I'll still work to my bones to get something done. That's what tax payers (including me) are paying me to do.

But there are priorities that I am very clear about and I do not compromise on those. Unless I absolutely have to, time with Lucas is important to me and that takes priority... so if I have a deadline to rush, I'll complete it AFTER I put Lucas to sleep. I think in terms of priorities... ME usually takes the last position... Which I know is not healthy but something I am quite unwilling to change. In a way, my work defines who I am.

Anyway, I have come to accept the title of being a workaholic... I'm really not too bothered to explain that I don't sacrifice family time... and I doubt anyone would believe me looking at the consistency of post-2 am work emails. That's the time I can actually get work done after I put Lucas to sleep. To some it is ironic that I don't seem to have any Work-Life since I'm promoting Work-Life... but to me, there's no confusion or misnomer- I am able to achieve both by spending less time on myself. And I'm actually happier for it.

From now till 15 August, I have to ensure that the twins are well taken care off so that by 8 Sept, I can set my mind at ease and concentrate on having my long-awaited baby girl and have a well-deserved rest.

Long weekend trip to Genting

2008-05-22T23:43:00.000+08:00

Over the Vesak Day long weekend, my parents, my uncle, aunt, Lucas and I took the coach up to Genting. Normally, I wouldn't be interested to put myself through the horrendous 5 hour (according to my mom) ride up Malaysia... but Lucas had been saying he wanted to go and I had promised that we will go soon. And since hubby will never relent on going with us, I thought I might make the trip while he is away.

So, the morning started with us waking up real early to 'report' at Lavendar MRT. Apparently, we were supposed to leave by 7.30 am. We were there promptly by 7 am. The coach agent was Transtar. We waited and waited. 8.30 am and still no sign of bus. I was really pissed at the lack of professionalism and accountability. No one explained why there was a delay and when we will leave. And when I asked the person-in-charge, the guy brushed me off saying, "wait a while". That really set me off... and I gave him an early morning lashing on being professional, service oriented, accountable, etc etc. It was quite an invigorating start for the morning. I had always love a confrontation, esp. one in which I know I will win. :) We eventually boarded the bus at 10.00 am. But one bad start and like dominoes, the the rest of it is off on the wrong foot. As a result of the delay, we were caught in the Tuas link jam for a long time and then again in Malaysia, somewhere near KL. We only managed to reach Genting at 6.30 pm. 4 hours later than expected.

Up in Genting, the fresh air (as long as you avoid the hordes of walking chimney) is great. The temp was at a nice 16 degrees with cool breeze. Lucas loved the weather although the dryness did cause his nose to peel. Things are not cheap there, even though it is in Ringit. I guess it is the Sentosa of Malaysia so you should expect 'touristy' prices... Even then, my mom and I were flabbergasted when we were charged RM$18 for ONE packet of Chai Fan comprising 2 skinny prawns and 2 choice of veg. My mom couldn't stop harping on the exhorbitant price for the next couple of days.

Lucas enjoyed himself, even though he fell short of the 122 cm height for most of the rides. He was really looking forward to the roller-coaster and other thrill rides. So bumper cars, ferris wheel and the other sedentary rides didn't quite cut it for him. After 1 day of rides and fun, he was ready to go home. Sigh...

In between, we did some shopping and in one of the children's wear outlet, I told Lucas to pick out some clothes for himself. He returned with 4-5 pieces of tops and dresses which he said is for Mei Mei. He refuses to get anything for himself saying that he has enough clothes. Then he put the tops against my tummy and asked the tummy if 'she' likes the clothes. :) I thought that was such a sweet gesture! He is really looking forward to the baby's arrival, maybe even more than me. Throughout the trip, he constantly 'updated' the baby on the rides he is going to take and other happenings.

On the day of our return, we had the fantastic luck of having with us a super experienced F1 driver. He cruised down the slope probably in free gear and at high speed, and made amazingly thrilling sharp turns. Of course, many of our stomachs turned too. Apart from myself, there are another 4-5 people making a symphony of wretching noises. Besides his F1 display, he could also drive with his eyes close for some parts of the highway. An amazing feat which leaves the other 18 pairs of eyes gripped on the road. In those brief moments, I could almost picture the tablod caption of being the unfortunate pregnant lady with a young child caught in a horrific highway accident. Eventually, we reached home just before midnight, totally beat.

The next day, Lucas said he liked Sentosa much better... ... Aiy..., just as well since I cannot imagine having to endure the 10-15 hours of travelling time again.

Updates on Natural Consequences Experiment

2008-05-21T00:40:00.000+08:00

This is going to be short post since my eyes are barely open and I would need to wake real early for a meeting tomorrow.

I have been testing out that Natural Consequences theory I mentioned in my previous post... and after about 2-3 weeks of testing, the verdict is not very conclusive. Yes, quite a bummer, esp. since I had thought I stumbled on the miracle cure.

The result is about 50% compliance. At times, the 'natural consequence' doesn't quite cut it for Lucas... for example, the other day, I told him if he is going to eat slowly, the ice-cream man would be closed for the day and he won't be able to eat his fav ice-cream. His reply, "I also don't want to eat ice-cream... it will make me cough." I tried a different lure and told him he would also have less time to play at the playground. He replied (rather a tad too smugly), "never mind, it is very hot. I just want to go home."

!!!???!!!

More updates on my weekend trip to Genting soon. First, I'm heading to snoozyland.

Jokes from my Pr. 2 nephew

2008-05-13T16:57:00.000+08:00

I have 2 nephews. I just realised over the weekend that they were 8 (Pr. 2) and 10 (Pr. 4). I wondered where did the years go... I had all the while thought they were in Pr. 1 and 2! Anyway, my nephews are really nice kids. Being boys, they are naturally boisterous and rowdy. On a weekend, they plus my boy can really burst the decibel limit your ears can take.

But I love my nephews. They are really funny and I like the jokes they occasionally tell me... I must admit at times, these jokes are pretty lame but I enjoy them anyway. They remind me of some of the dumb jokes that I crack which no one else seems to appreciate, especially at my current workplace. In my ex-department, my ex-colleagues will at least obliged with some incredulous smile as I laughed myself silly.

Here's the joke which my nephew told me which had me grinning every time I recalled it.

Part 1
Cha Siew Bao and Man Tou went to a movie together. Cha Siew Bao emerged from the movie crying... WHY?
>>>
>>>
>>>
(you shouldn't bother thinking with rhetorical quetions)
>>> BECAUSE Cha Siew Bao had fillings (feelings)... ... ... DUH!!!

Part 2
The next day, Cha Siew Bao and Dou Sha Bao went to the movies. Cha Siew Bao emerged crying and Dou Sha Bao came out laughing... WHY?
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>> BECAUSE they had different fillings (feelings)... ... ... muaaa ha ha ha!!!

Mothers Day and SAHM

2008-05-13T16:24:00.000+08:00

There was an article on Sunday about the worth of SAHM (Stay At Home Moms)in pure monetary sense. According to the article, a SAHM is worth about $23,000 per month if you pay her according to the roles she performs like driver, cleaner, teacher etc. That's an obscene amount of money! But I bet some of my SAHM pals will completely disregard the article as hogwash. Basically, because you simply cannot put a moneary value to the 'work' (which is a grossly inaccurate term) they do. And putting a monetary value works contrary to 'promoting' SAHM since it only spells out the obvious functions and ignores the intangible roles they play.

I have the utmost respect for SAHM. I will never be able to survive as one. It is hard work when you need to be constantly giving 24/7 attention to your loved ones. At work, you have your personal time, your lunch hours and your chit-chats. When you are a SAHM, you have a lot less of those. If your child is not in school, then it is even harder cos there will be that expectation, not just from your kid/s, and family but also yourself that you have to dedicate every single waking hour to the homefront. I'm not sure if I'm capable of such devotion. I think there is no shame to admit that I'm a good working-mom but I'll suck big-time being a full-time SAHM.

Happy Mothers' Day to all mothers, working or not.

Over estimating myself... again...

2008-05-10T00:34:00.000+08:00

When my hubby informed me that he would be going for reservist some months back... I thought, what was the big deal. Then he said he would be going to S. Africa and that it would be 3 weeks. And that also didn't unfaze me. I didn't give it much thought since I have always been independent and I do a great job with Lucas. And hey, he was away for longer stint; 2 years in Oz, 1 year in US and in between travels. I managed pretty well on my own back then.

Well, he is gone but for 2 hours and already I'm starting to lose sleep and miss him. Maybe it is becos hubby decided to share that the place he was going is laced with land mines, or the slow knowledge that is starting to sink that 3 weeks is not short... esp. when I can't even recall when it was that he last went overseas.

Once again, I have over-rated my sense of self-independence. This is probably no surprise to some good pals of mine. They had always amused themselves laughing at how I used to think naively that I could manage a bawling baby, while doing some other work. Or that child discipline is a matter of just instilling the right amount of fear. Over time, I have learnt that one of my biggest flaw is I over estimated myself... me and my inflated ego.

Anyway, so here I am, not being able to sleep and already counting the days to my hubby's return. This is going to be a very long and tedious wait.

Been on a train lately?

2008-05-09T16:15:00.000+08:00

I have been real busy lately... and so I thought I should take a break by posting a commentary on behaviours in the train.

The train's my main transport daily to and from work and every morning, I wonder if it's the day I'm gonna get lucky and someone will offer Lucas and I a seat. But I have come to realise and accept that graciousness is pretty dead and chivalry is definitely extinct. On a count of 10 rides weekly(2 rides per working day), I'm offered a seat maybe twice a week. 20% is not too bad I supposed. On some weeks, I stand throughout. Never mind that I'm big-bellied, lugging a big backpac and a squirming 3-year-old, who laments incessantly through the ride that he is tired. No one takes notice of him, or me. They are either too busy reading the papers, playing PSP, pretending to sleep or *gasp* studying the bible. To these pious few, I had to bite my tongue and refrain from saying something ungodly.

One of my colleagues commented that no-one owes me a seat and they are not obliged to give me one. Absolutely true. I do not expect nor do I demand for one. But it would be a nice start to a day to know that there's still some graciousness left (even if it's with stickers on the train walls reminding us). I remembered people giving up their seats willingly and with a smile in the past. What happened from then to now that made people not only less friendly, but less kind too? It's a multi-billion dollar campaign question I supposed,... wonder which Ministry looks into this now... hmmm...

And that's not all the ugly behaviour I see. Just 2 evenings ago, Lucas and I were standing in front of this well-heeled executive (he was wearing a nice watch, crisp shirt and a carrying a really branded bag) and he was busy picking his nose! Not only that, he was happily flicking, yup, flicking his precious digs into space! I promptly pulled clueless Lucas aside, lest we get some unwanted 'blessings'. After he was done with ravaging the right pit, he proceeded to the left... totally disregarding the people about! Incredible! No wonder there was this huge gap in front of him. This lady standing nearby, muttered to me, "Disgusting!" and gave a shudder. Disgusting is an understatement. I can think of nauseating, abominable, vile, sickening, revolting, , abhorrent, which would give more credit to his act.

Then there was this lady who gave me a lashing on how I should 'handle' Lucas. Lucas was in one of his tantrums and I refused to give in to his demands just becos he thought whining and crying in public would get him his way. This particular lady was upset that I had, and I quote, "intruded on (her) audio space" while she was trying to read. She also shared, in a less than poilte way, that her 2 daughters are impeccably well-behaved in public, unlike my unruly little brat. Of course, I acknowledged my imperfection, thanked her for her wisdom and congratulated her on being a wonderful mother... No seriously, I did.

I only hope I'm bringing Lucas up well enough that he retains the sense of chivalry that he now has and that he would continue to give up his seat to pregnant ladies, old people and people with babies in arms. Right now, he is charming my young, pretty colleagues by offering to take their bags for them.

My little black book

2008-05-03T01:42:00.000+08:00

Rammaging through my cupboards just now turned up a little treasure I thought long lost. It was my little black book of poems I wrote since 1996. There aren't many poems in there and all quite amature. But it meant a lot to me because I wrote these poems based on my experiences so no matter how amaturish they were, they formed a part of my life. I browsed through and picked up a couple that I really liked to post here.

My Boyfriend
~ dedicated to Vincent, 27 06 1997

He is a unique creation
Sent to me for some reason or another
Heavenly angels must have thought me lonesome
And so they blessed me with a guy named Vincent

Eversince he so suddenly appeared
I am jittery, feverish and delirious
He brings smiles upon my face
He brightens up my nights and days

His eyes are small
Inconspicuous when he grins
But he has the biggest heart
That's what really matters to me

He is my knight on a muddy scrambler
My hero, my babe, my dream-builder
Sadly, he is serving NS
But he has nites-off, so who cares

He has the weirdest logic
A streak of lunacy and eccentricity
For all his idiosyncrasy
I still love him crazily

Never request for a hug or kiss
Under the roving eyes of the public
Shyness is his nature
So my hormones have to show some composure

He finally said "luv ya" one fine day
in the phonemail on the 30th of May
Alas, for that to happen again
I'll have to wait for another decade

He may not have glittery diamonds
nor clear-crisps of dollars
But he has the sweetest smile and the warmest touch
He is sincere and that holds my heart

Often I get neurotic
and fear I'll lose him
He is ever so patient
Enduring my free-flow of idiotic questions

Yes, I'm definitely in love with him
as definite as the Do-Do is extinct
He is the best thing that ever happened
he is my one and only Vinc.
~~~

Ball with Teeth and Nose
~ 29 09 1998

Fybo, my dog
has a talent.
He is a hound you see
He likes to nose for things hidden.

Fybo, my dog
plays Frisbee with me in the garden.
Ever so often we would take a break.
He would pass time having the garden raked.

Treasures will pop out of the ground.
A rubber ducky or my long lost GI Joe.
Sometimes it's my dad's slippers,
Sometimes nothing at all.

Funny things were found again today,
A round ball with teeth and nose.
It had what looked like eyes,
'cept the squishy stuff inside.

I wanted to show daddy my find
but he had gone to work.
So I took it to my neighbour
who might reward me for my labour.

She opened the door and I lifted
My loot for her to see.
She turned stark white
and then screamed in fright.

The next thing I know the police came.
My dad in handcuffs led away.
I had many queries in my mind
With only Fybo by my side.

A kind officer then explained to me,
In a husky, solemn tone.
He, "Son, you've solved a mystery...
The ball with teeth and nose, was none other than
your grandpa Jones."

~~~

I really really loved this poem. Hiak Hiak Hiak.

Prejudiced judgement

2008-05-03T01:22:00.000+08:00

Today I was introduced to a blog of one of my colleagues. I spent a good 3 hours (into the wee morning) browsing almost every post he had put up. It was a rather strange experience and at the same time, the more I read about him and his interests, the more I thought I understood myself.

No, he was very different from me. He was not even one of the closer colleagues I normally have lunch with. And from what little I had known of him, I had formed certain opinions. So the obsession into reading his blog partly stem from, well, the obsession to know if I'm right all along and partly from a nagging thought I may jolly well be wrong in my assumptions all these while.

I have always pride myself being a good judge of character. I can instinctively detect a lie, sniff out hypocrisy like a hound and defnitely, I can sight invisible daggers. Similarly, I know who my friends are, feel genuine care and concern from people and appreciate little kindness extended to me.

After reading the ton of posts spanning almost 2 years, I came to a realisation that I am quick to judge and my judgement is marred by my own insecurities as well as some imaginations. This is perhaps what I would call biasness and even prejudiced judgement. Perhaps I had been wrong about my judgement of this person after all. And I thought this is a truly humbling experience and I resolved not be so quick to judge.

Then the cynic in me comes up, perhaps the blogs were written in that particular way because they were meant to impress and meant for public reading.

Whatever the case, I doubt giving people more benefit of doubt is going to hurt me much and that's what I shall do.

Natural consequences

2008-05-02T16:54:00.001+08:00

Recently, Lucas has been acting up at meal times. He has always been a fussy eater but nowadays, he is testing the limit to see if I can go beyond the 1.5 hours treshold.

Anyway, this post is not a complaint. Rather, a revelation I got in differentiating natural consequence and punishment to young children. Yes, it is probably common sense and no rocket science... but I didn't realise how easy it was to go down the slippery slope of posing many outcomes as punishments when they should be natural consequences.

Example, last Friday, Lucas once again took 1 hr 45 mins to eat his dinner. We told him explicitly that if he finishes his dinner slowly, he will not get to play with the toys at the toys section of X department store. No rationale was given (BAD MOVE 1). He took his time. He finally chewed off his last mouth of food at 8.45 pm which was about the time we needed to set off for home. So we told him, matter-of-factly, that he can't play toys cos he finished his meal so slowly and that we had already told him to eat dinner 'properly' but he didn't listen. (BAD MOVE 2). This must have sounded a lot like a punishment for non-compliance. Of course, he protested with tears and shouts. But we went home anyway.

That night, I set about thinking how it could have been different. On hindsight, I should have 1st explained the rationale for eating 'properly' i.e. it will leave you time to do what you want. And when he didn't perform that task, I should have made it clear that he was not going to play toys becos it was a natural consequence of him dilly-dallying, and NOT becos we were out to punish him for not complying.

But it is really a lot easier said than done, esp. when you already feel a blood clot forming in your veins out of sheer frustration. But if children see how their actions affect the consequences and how they can control that, then perhaps they will comply more. Anyway, it is a theory and I'll test it out to see if there are any improvements. And that's one of the things I love about being a parent,.. it is like playing CSI, finding an answer, 1 clue and 1 assumption at a time.

Bearing the pain with gritted teeth

2008-04-24T18:12:00.001+08:00

Lucas woke up one morning limping. We couldn't quite figure out what happened so I brought him to the hospital to have a couple of checks done. His X-Ray came out ok so the doc suspects it was some kind of infection, leading to bone/joint inflammation. Lucas had to get a blood test done to find out if the doc's premise is right.

Now, Lucas is a brave boy and he normally doesn't complain of pain much. Even then, I figured blood taking would probably be a different ball game. I never quite believe that you should leave it to the docs to prep a child or that you should assume that a child ought to cry about an injection or anything involving needles. Well, to begin with, I was never quite afraid of needles, altho. my husband is terrified of them.

Anyway, I figured I should start 'training' Lucas to not be afraid of needles. After all, we would be poked several times throughout our life and I would want Lucas to donate blood when he is older too. So I told the doc to give me some time to prep him and I insisted that the doc must ask his permission before doing so (hey, the blood belongs to him so permission should be asked right?). I reminded Lucas of how he witnessed mommy having her blood taken and how I wasn't squeamish about it. Point to note here is that you MUST NEVER show fear if you want your children to be brave at something. I also plainly told him the needle will hurt, something of a bite but it will be bearable. I didn't lie that it will not hurt. Lying will just diminish your credibility and next time, he discredit your claims. And I told him mommy will hold him and if the pain gets too much, he can shout and cry but he CANNOT move his hand (which the blood is being drawn) cos it will hurt even more.

The doc asked for his permission and proceeded after given the ok. The doc had to poke him twice and twist the needle into the vein cos his vein is just too small.

The verdict: Lucas didn't cry. He didn't shout. He only kept looking at the needle and grumbled, " Oww... very pain... ow, ow, ow... very very ppppaaaaaiiinnnn.. Ow, Ow". And while the needle was in, he watched the blood being collected.

After the whole process, he looked at me and said he was a brave boy and that he wasn't afraid of needle. I was really proud of him, and myself. Because I managed to modify his perception of pain.

That night, he went home and jibed at his daddy about his fear of needles.

Striving towards perfection

2008-04-16T14:33:00.000+08:00

Recently, I was introduced to a blog belonging to friend of my hubby's. She is a working mother of a 3 year old girl and her blog revolves around her parenting experience. She is a heck of a dedicated mother, at least by my definition, and she has very high expectations of herself as a mom.

In her blog about her daughter's birthday, I was moved the amount of effort and thought that went into the planning. At the same time, it set me thinking... The blog ended with how she felt being "lesser of a parent" because the cake she had badly wanted didn't turn out the way she expected. While I can see why she is disappointed, I thought we should all be kinder and less demanding of ourselves. Yes, we all set out to be great parents... but really, will a less-than-perfect birthday party make us less of a parent? I don't think so.

I'm glad I could laugh at myself for stumbling (literally) with Lucas's birthday. I fell flat with the cake and as a result, the cake was a pretty (not literally) mess. And I was glad I could laugh about how silly and clumsy mommy was. Because through that Lucas learnt that life really shouldn't be taken too seriously sometimes. He didn't make a fuss of the ex-cake, and was just as happy and beaming when he blew out the candles.

Point is, parenting is a tough job and life is not always nice and sweet. We can afford to be kinder to ourselves and in the process teach our kids, that things don't always work out to plans. That, in adversity and 'shitty situations', one must look ahead and plod on... and perhaps laugh along the way. It is a vital skill. When a child is taught that failure is part of life and it doesn't mean failure as a person, they would be more apt at taking risks, accepting failures and trying again.

If I had a chance to turn back the clock, would I choose the perfect birthday or an opportunity to teach Lucas about life? I would choose the latter.

How I know you love me? Perception from a 3 year old

2008-03-14T13:10:00.000+08:00

A couple of nights ago, hubby, son and I were having dinner at Chinatown. I ordered this crispy roasted pork rice for my boy and I said quite matter-of-factly that I ordered that because I know he likes it. Then I asked him if he knows why I know what he likes to eat.

He took a look at me and replied, "mommy knows because mommy loves me." I was pretty surprised. I thought he would say something like, I don't know,... "cos I always finish it or cos it is tasty"? But to interpret a simple action and connote it to an act of love... now that's something else.

He also added, "I also know mommy loves eggs... because I also love mommy"... aahhh, that's heart warming. But as much as I hope he remembers this moment right into adulthood, chances are, he wouldn't, not even the knowledge that I like eggs.

What got me thinking was how we tend to take all these small little acts of love for granted. And it took my 3 year old to remind me that people around us may not say it or do dramatic acts of love,... but everyday, they are performing little acts that tell us they love us... Like my dad buying strawberries for his grandkids, or my mom helping me when I just came back from US, or my hubby reminding me to take my Vit C... We just have to keep a look out for them.

Diamonds... 2 schools of thought

2008-01-18T12:56:00.000+08:00

Last night, I went to collect the Trilogy Diamond ring that my hubby bought for our 8th anniversary.So today, I promptly displayed it on my finger and showed it to a couple of my colleagues.

You would be surprise at the amount of attention and discussion these few darlings of mine created. To sum up, there are basically 2 schools of thought. One which thinks it's an extravagance, waste of money and they would rather eat seafood and the other camp which thinks it is a nice gesture to make your other half happy... nevermind it cost an arm and leg.

As the 2 camps blasted away against each other with their M16s, one common thread was that whichever school they belong to really depends on whether their spouses appreciate a diamond gift or any expensive gift to start with. Those who thinks is extravagance expressed that their wife would have lambasted them if they were to purchase any thing which cost 4 figures.

This is of course a revelation for some on how their spouses had conditioned their mentality. As one of my colleague shared, he had once bought a surprise jewellery for his wife which resulted in him being nagged at for the next couple of days... In his very own words, "WTF, I buy something to make you happy and you KPKB". He learnt his lesson and gifts became history in their relationship, apart from probably a couple of underwear and mops.

As my mom said (the wise old woman) when I told her I turned down a $15K diamond ring my hubby offered to buy, "Always accept a gift from your hubby GRACIOUSLY. Because he made an effort to make you happy. It's a blow to his ego if you turn it down or complain. It's like you're saying "you dope, you didn't think this through did you?".

I agree with her. Who could complain against these beauties sitting prettily on my finger?

Some Poems...

2008-01-16T16:04:00.000+08:00

When will you grow up?
~ dedicated to Lucas

Pretty eyes, gummy smile
When will you grow up, my precious child?

Peek-a-boo and building blocks
Teething rings, Hickory-dickory dock
Rubber duckies in the water
Rolling over and pushing walkers

We can have so much fun,
when you turn at least one.

Curious eyes, innocent smile
When will you grow up, my precious child?

Hide and seek and sandy castles
Playing Catch and blowing bubbles
Fly a kite or look at clouds
Net a butterfly or just running about

We can do so much together
when you are three or slightly older.

Bright eyes, mischievous smile
When will you grow up, my precious child?

Scrabbles, Chess and many board games
Have a party with some pretty dames
Rollerblades or cycling wheels
Kick a ball down the hill

We can be such great pals
When you are start turning twelve.

Shining eyes, Triumphant smile
When did you grow up, my precious child?

Exam fevers, friends galore
Lose some battles, win some wars
Shed a tear, mend a heart
Every ending is another start

We were really such partners
You taught me though I’m the teacher.

Blurry eyes, toothless smile
You have all grown old, my precious child.

Have you forgotten me and the fun we had?
I’m the mum and you’re my lad
Hold my hand, through heaven we will soar
Once again, sharing laughter as before.

You Left
~ dedicated to the child I lost on 19 Sept 2007

I knew it was you
I knew your name
I could feel your presence
Long before you came

I wanted to hold you tight
I wanted to keep you safe
Embrace you with love
Nurture you with faith

You did not stay
You did not wait
I did not know you left
Was I just too late?

So many questions unanswered
Appointment you had to keep?
Had you something real urgent?
That you left me here to weep?

Had I known, had I known
If only a farewell bade
I did not know you left
I was just too late.

When flowers sing and angels gather
~ A poem about the Gal's gathering (Gals: Eunice, Karen, Sharol, Pei Shang, Meng Yee and me)

Softly, softly whispers the breeze
Daffodils dance, petals kiss
Leaves quiver in the gentle light
When angels gather close tonight

How many angels? I count six
Each bringing a flavour into the mix
E for Eden giving to all in need
K for Kindness in words and deed

H for Humour laughter to lighten the soul
S for Strength for she is courageous and bold
P for Purity for the youngest is often thus
M for Magnetic drawing us from dawn to dusk

6 angels gather in the mist
Singing giggles in utter bliss
A wonder to the blessed who can see
A friendship that lasts for infinity

Opps... That was long ago...

2008-01-16T13:57:00.000+08:00

After my virgin attempt at blogging back in August 2007, I virtually, in every sense of the word, disappeared from the blogging scene. Reason being (1) I completely forgot my blog name, until I tried to create yet another blog today (2) I was just too busy... how typically Singaporean.

Anyway, back to the present. I have got a Facebook friend's request yesterday. And I took 24 hours to decide if I should include this fellow as my friend. No, he is not some long-time old flame which I'm worried about spilling the beans on me. He is a colleague. I hesistated to include him as my friend cos plainly, his friends, which are my other colleagues will clearly be able to start the request and before long, my Facebook will be full of my colleagues... I can already hear some of you saying.. "Wait a minute, isn't that the point?"

No, not for me. Facebook is a personal thing. I keep it for people i don't work with. Why? Becos I play that Fluffball thing during office hour! BUT besides that... I'm really not that close to my colleagues to want to share who my friends are, what's happening in my life, whether my Fluff won or lost a race. Already, I see them and chat with them 8 hours a day... surely that enough to drive some of us mad... So,.. decision is, I'll not have colleagues in my FACE/book.

Now,... just how do I undo that 'acceptance' of the request...

Damn it.

Blogging Idiot

2007-08-20T12:43:00.000+08:00

It's about time! Been wanting to do this blogging thing for so long but you know how as a person gets older, the more fear there is to do something different. Yes, lame but true.

Anyway, I've always been fasinated with bloggers. Why this compulsive, exhibitionist urge to put your life for all to see? Has our society become so impersonal that we have to type our pathetic happenings on little pieces of cubes on a tray?

Well... as my blogger friend said... "You are a blogging idiot so you don't know..." So here I am on my little experiment to see how long I can maintain this. I suppose blogging is a good way of keeping track of your daily/weekly/monthly happenings... not that anyone would want to know, but someday when I suffer from Amnesia, I might just want to know who owes me money or gave me a kick in my butt. PLUS, this is a great way of rambling, gossiping, complaining, talking behind people's back or even infront of them, without them knowing you or even knowing they could be laughing at themselves... muaaaaa ha ha ha...

I'm so bored... ... ... wonder who I can terrorise... ... ...