All in good time

I had planned my life according to a timeline. I wanted to be married by 26 years old, have my 1st kid by 28, 2nd by 30, own a condo by 30 and retire by 58. So far, I'm behind my plan by 2 years.

After I had Lucas, I wanted a 2 year gap before No.2. I read and heard that 2 years gap is the best as they can have a playmate. I was successful and got pregnant. But I miscarried. I tried and once again, I miscarried. The 2nd miscarriage was devastating. I was really disappointed and discouraged. And I was pressed for time. By then, the gap was 3 years. Yes, I'm a very goal-oriented person. :P

About this time I stopped praying. I had prayed fervently for the safety of the baby and I felt betrayed when I miscarried a 2nd time.

I went for TCM and gave myself 1 last chance. I was very blessed to have Lyra. The age gap is almost 4 years, way behind my intended 2 years.

On hindsight, the delayed gap turned out to be a good thing. Lucas is at the age where he can be reasoned with and understood why we couldn't spend as much time with him. He had also been a great little helper. Had I been successful in my planning, I doubt I would have coped as well. Lucas would have been too young and clingy.

My colleague told me everything happens in God's time and we wouldn't be able to understand his plans. She gave me a book which talked about Grace-based Parenting.

Recently, I started praying again. I used to pray that Lucas will turn out to be a good person. But now, I prayed that I would be guided by His hand to teach and parent Lucas and Lyra in his grace. The difference between the 2? The first had the assumption I'm the best parent and the end result is up to God. The 2nd is humbled and acknowledges that we are not the best parent, although we try to be.