Lyra's 1st day

Today, Lyra went to the infant care for the 1st time. And unlike the usual mornings, she was not as chirpy and responsive as before. She is quite a sensitive child so I think she had some inkling as to what's going on.

When we got to the infant care and I put her in her crib, she looked around very suspiciously. Attempts to make her smile were futile, which is quite rare. She usually smiles quite readily for granny and me. We left quite quickly as we could sense that the teachers would prefer to not have us around.

Unlike with Lucas's 1st day at the infant care, I felt the separation anxiety this time. I left the centre with a very heavy heart. Maybe because Lucas is a boy and I had expected him to be very adaptable, whereas for Lyra, I had a soft spot for her. Within 1 hour, I was missing her. I had originally intended to enjoy the 'off' day and go shopping, but in the end, I went home, mope around and did some house work before heading out to run errands. Then I went to pick Lucas up earlier than usual so that we could both go pick Lyra.

Lyra didn't look happy when we were there. The teachers claimed she didn't cry and that she adapted well. I knew it wasn't true. There were still tears glistening at the corner of her eyes and she looked very tired. She drifted to sleep the minute she was in my sarong. When we got home, she woke up and started crying. Her voice was hoarse. My heart broke. I think she must have cried and yelled the whole day to be carried. The teachers had also insisted on swaddling and having her sleep on her back (to reduce SID) but she has always been sleeping on her tummy since a couple weeks old! Granny and I carried, rocked and tried to soothe her. But the minute we put her down, she cried to be carried again. She didn't smile or babbled when we gave her her evening wipe down. That's usually her favourite and she is normally very responsive. But today, she is a different girl. She just stared very intently at us.

During bed time, as advised by the teacher, to get her used to swaddling and sleeping on her back, I swaddled her and put her to sleep on her back. She was clearly uncomfortable. I was expecting her to scream, like she usually does when uncomfortable. But all she did struggle a little and made some whimper. It's like her spirit broke. And my heart broke too. :( After almost 30 mins, she drifted off to sleep.

Today, I felt horrible. I felt bad about her hoarse voice and her having a rough day. I know she will eventually adapt and this is unlikely to hurt her much... but that knowledge doesn't do much to lessen the guilt I felt. Today, I felt that same guilt and heartache as the day I was forced to leave Lucas's crying outside TTSH's meeting room when it was clearly time to go home. Today, I felt like I'm the world's worst mom.