My projects just completed and I finally have some time to do non-work stuff. So one of the things I did was to browse through the blogs I have in my favourite.
And I read Vinc's blog with a sense of guilt and twinge of sadness. I know it was a passing episode and like him, I too wonder if I'm a good parent. I never quite got bothered about what other parents or adults think ... but I have been such from young. I never quite bothered with the opinions of inconsequential others.
Lucas IS very sticky to me and recently he has been displaying tantrums like this. He's usually okay and will not push his limits but these days, he will test and stretch our patience. I put it down to sibling anxiety. I heard it from several friends who had their second, that the 1st born gets difficult on purpose to draw your attention. Recently, whenever he is upset or me upset with him, he will cry "I want mommy to love me"... I don't know what gave the impression I don't... I guess at the "ONLY" that he left out in that comment.
But what struck a guilt chord in me is that I have always thought I'm the only one who is concerned with being a 'good parent'. Somehow, I had always thought Vinc is be not too bothered and at times I seethed at why he isn't trying harder to be a better parent... My mistake. I should have known better that most, if not all, parents want to do a better job.
I can identify with his longing for a break... I too have been desiring a break for a long long time. But our responsibilities demanded that we place our needs second. And at the back of my mind, I think of how short Lucas's childhood would be and how fast it will be before I lose him to a world of distractions from friends, school, CCAs, exams and so on. And how fast, "I want mommy" will be replaced by "I want freedom", "I want my own life". I'm always guided by not wanting to regret not spending time that inevitably I neglected Vinc. I had of course expected that him being adult and Lucas's dad, would have shared the same view as me. Guess I had been wrong.
To realise I was mistakened by reading his blog... well... ouch... I wondered what went wrong, when and how. Conversations are short these days. As much as I want t0 initiate a conversation, it never went beyond the mundane. I long to share about I feel about parenting Lucas, and I will always end up sharing it with my ex-colleagues, instead of Vinc. Maybe he too had the impression that I knew what I was doing since I always had this "I know better than thou" attitude. But truth be told, I'm clueless. My ex-colleagues are bombarded with emails asking for views and advise on parenting. I deemed them better parents than me.
Vinc thinks he is 2nd priority... as much and as hard as I try,... Lucas demands more of my time. And I can split myself in only so many ways. I don't know how I can do better or cope better... some thing has got to give... I can only be a good mom or good wife... somehow, I never manage being both. People tell me, I need to also have time for myself and as Fandi Ahmad's wife said, "you must take care of yourself before you can take care of your family". I wonder how?
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2 comments:
i think all parents feel the same as you, esp working parents. there is only 24 hrs per day. there is no way to stretch your day but your husband needs you, your kid needs you and sometimes your parents and frens need you. i find myself making choices everyday. and i wanna make good choices. some days i sacrifice my kids. some days i sacrifice my husband. it's not the best solution but it's better than being half-hearted or distracted all the time.
The thing is, no matter how hard I tried, I think Vinc still thinks he is second to Lucas. And no matter how much I push myself, I feel that I have done a good job in my multiple roles. I think the only role i play darn well is that of an employee. But that;s any easy role cos the KPIs are clear and measurable. How do you measure being a good wife or mother? At the end of the day, I feel that I have short changed everyone,... esp. myself. Sometimes, I really feel so tired out... and I think about just packing my bags and going away. But only in my imagination... I'll never be capable of doing that.
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