All in good time

I had planned my life according to a timeline. I wanted to be married by 26 years old, have my 1st kid by 28, 2nd by 30, own a condo by 30 and retire by 58. So far, I'm behind my plan by 2 years.

After I had Lucas, I wanted a 2 year gap before No.2. I read and heard that 2 years gap is the best as they can have a playmate. I was successful and got pregnant. But I miscarried. I tried and once again, I miscarried. The 2nd miscarriage was devastating. I was really disappointed and discouraged. And I was pressed for time. By then, the gap was 3 years. Yes, I'm a very goal-oriented person. :P

About this time I stopped praying. I had prayed fervently for the safety of the baby and I felt betrayed when I miscarried a 2nd time.

I went for TCM and gave myself 1 last chance. I was very blessed to have Lyra. The age gap is almost 4 years, way behind my intended 2 years.

On hindsight, the delayed gap turned out to be a good thing. Lucas is at the age where he can be reasoned with and understood why we couldn't spend as much time with him. He had also been a great little helper. Had I been successful in my planning, I doubt I would have coped as well. Lucas would have been too young and clingy.

My colleague told me everything happens in God's time and we wouldn't be able to understand his plans. She gave me a book which talked about Grace-based Parenting.

Recently, I started praying again. I used to pray that Lucas will turn out to be a good person. But now, I prayed that I would be guided by His hand to teach and parent Lucas and Lyra in his grace. The difference between the 2? The first had the assumption I'm the best parent and the end result is up to God. The 2nd is humbled and acknowledges that we are not the best parent, although we try to be.

Half of what I was... but happier...

Recently, a friend whom I know half my life commented that I have changed, that she could see I'm now 'at peace'. Her comment came as a surprised because I never thought I was not 'at peace'. In fact, I had always lived with the view that should I collapse at my laptop the next second, I would have no regrets. She didn't elaborate more and I didn't ask.

Then I read Ms Sui's blog about her reflections on her experience being a short-termed SAHM and her experience. I read it with interest because she sounded like ME more than a decade ago. We both seemed to have lived our life in a reversed cycle.

I had lived my life on the edge, done things I'm both proud and not so proud of. I have climbed mountains and backpacked alone to far-flung places where you had to dig your own shit hole, took some risks and some absolutely stupid chances, took many less travelled routes and hurt far too many people. I have gone to the 'woods', chopped down some trees and chatted with the monkeys. But I was never as happy as I am now.

I think my desire to live life with vengence stemmed from my fear of normality. I was afraid of the mundane, of living the life of average Joe or Jane. I lived with the assumption "there must be more than life than xxx ". Yet, in a very oxy-moronic way, I felt there was nothing else life could give, so I lived with total abandonment. In a way, I think I resembled the character, Tristan (played by Brad Pitt), in Legends of the Fall. I was searching for something but I didn't know what it was.

I'm not sure what changed me. Maybe it was age, maybe it was on that particular night, on the edge of my window when I heard what I thought was God, or maybe it was just having kids. Normality and the mundane no longer scares me. In fact, I kind of enjoy it now. I think I have had enough of the 'been there, done that' that I no longer crave for the unknown. In a way, I am half of what I was and yet fuller than what I was.

Life is Life - there isn't a more or less to it, and there is only NOW. So, I guess you can live your life to the fullest in many ways and the point is to be happy with the present.

If I had to live my life over again, would I? Heck, yeah... with all the scraps and cuts in a heartbeat.

When you have time on your hands...

My confinement period is almost up and I'm planning on a food rampage. I miss laksa and I miss ice-cream. And of course I miss a nice ice cold fizz. Yum...

After my confinement, I would still have about 4 weeks of leave. I'm already thinking of the options I have to utilise them. The options are of course limited to breast-feeding friendly places since I will have Lyra dangling off my boobs. But I realised (actually I realised this many years ago), I'm really a bore. I have absolutely no idea where and what I can do when I have free time.

Just yesterday, Ms Sui asked me what I would do if I have 3 hours of free time... I gave it really a hard think... and then I told her roller-blading and hanging out at some alfresco dining with a good book. I was actually just trying to be clever and 'hip'. Well, at least they seemed like hippy ideas.

But seriously, I wouldn't do that. Imagine, I would have to travel to East Coast and then blade around like a lonely idiot! Pigging out at some buffet seems not too bad, but food just don't taste half as good alone. So I don't think I would do what I suggested at all. Mostly likely, I would stick around at home, staring at my PC, hoping for some work emails so that I can be kept occupied. Yes,... I lead quite a pathetic life.

I'm still raking for ideas so if you have some, do let me know. Do bear in mind about my 'boob-extension' though. ;)

You'll never walk alone...

Lucas has been 'branding' the whole family in numbers with his marker the past 2 days. He wrote '1' on all of our hands; grandpa, grandma, daddy, mommy and himself. Lyra was spared as I told him she may be sensetive to the ink. And the reason for his 'label'? He said since he has numbered all of us as '1', if any of us got lost, others can help us find each other. That way, we will never lose one another. Brilliant!