My projects just completed and I finally have some time to do non-work stuff. So one of the things I did was to browse through the blogs I have in my favourite.
And I read Vinc's blog with a sense of guilt and twinge of sadness. I know it was a passing episode and like him, I too wonder if I'm a good parent. I never quite got bothered about what other parents or adults think ... but I have been such from young. I never quite bothered with the opinions of inconsequential others.
Lucas IS very sticky to me and recently he has been displaying tantrums like this. He's usually okay and will not push his limits but these days, he will test and stretch our patience. I put it down to sibling anxiety. I heard it from several friends who had their second, that the 1st born gets difficult on purpose to draw your attention. Recently, whenever he is upset or me upset with him, he will cry "I want mommy to love me"... I don't know what gave the impression I don't... I guess at the "ONLY" that he left out in that comment.
But what struck a guilt chord in me is that I have always thought I'm the only one who is concerned with being a 'good parent'. Somehow, I had always thought Vinc is be not too bothered and at times I seethed at why he isn't trying harder to be a better parent... My mistake. I should have known better that most, if not all, parents want to do a better job.
I can identify with his longing for a break... I too have been desiring a break for a long long time. But our responsibilities demanded that we place our needs second. And at the back of my mind, I think of how short Lucas's childhood would be and how fast it will be before I lose him to a world of distractions from friends, school, CCAs, exams and so on. And how fast, "I want mommy" will be replaced by "I want freedom", "I want my own life". I'm always guided by not wanting to regret not spending time that inevitably I neglected Vinc. I had of course expected that him being adult and Lucas's dad, would have shared the same view as me. Guess I had been wrong.
To realise I was mistakened by reading his blog... well... ouch... I wondered what went wrong, when and how. Conversations are short these days. As much as I want t0 initiate a conversation, it never went beyond the mundane. I long to share about I feel about parenting Lucas, and I will always end up sharing it with my ex-colleagues, instead of Vinc. Maybe he too had the impression that I knew what I was doing since I always had this "I know better than thou" attitude. But truth be told, I'm clueless. My ex-colleagues are bombarded with emails asking for views and advise on parenting. I deemed them better parents than me.
Vinc thinks he is 2nd priority... as much and as hard as I try,... Lucas demands more of my time. And I can split myself in only so many ways. I don't know how I can do better or cope better... some thing has got to give... I can only be a good mom or good wife... somehow, I never manage being both. People tell me, I need to also have time for myself and as Fandi Ahmad's wife said, "you must take care of yourself before you can take care of your family". I wonder how?
Sunday, 17 August 2008
Wednesday, 6 August 2008
Much ado about parenthood incentives
Every few years when the gov decides to introduce a slew of measures to boost fertility rate, there would be much griping from singles on how they are being discriminated and how they are overlooked by the government. Then it would proceed into a free-for-all parents and pregnancy bashing campaign.
For a few nights in a row, this has kept me awake. It was triggered by Sumiko Tan's article lamenting about the injustice of any parenthood measures and the onslaught of forum reply supporting her cause. I was kept awake because I was mentally drafting a letter to her... but I never got round to doing it yet so I'm having my discourse here.
In ST's article and the many forum letters that followed, many lamented about the inconvenience that parents and pregnancy posed to them... e.g. pregnant women had to go for check ups, then they are off to 3 months of maternity, leaving the colleagues to cover the duties and parents had to take children to see docs etc. My question is.. how often does a woman get pregnant in her working life? 1, 2 maybe 3 times in the entire career. That's 36 weeks. Now, how many times does a man go on reservist in his entire career? He would have to go for reservist EVERY YEAR for a stretch of 2-3 weeks. At times, reservist calling in twice a year (like one of my colleague). You do the Math. And if you have an unfit colleague, there is also RT which sees him knocking off at 4 pm. Who covers for them? I'm sure the load is shared, regardless if you are pregnant or parents. And what more, the 2 years of NS is compensated in pay. I'm sure the pain, literary, that women go through for childbirth is no lesser than what men went through for NS. And the opportunity cost is just as high. You don't hear parents heave a hue and cry about this.
And I absolutely disagree with what many said that pregnancy affects work quality. What absolute rubbish. I find myself working harder and longer because I feel the need to prove that I'm just as effective and productive pregnant or not. In fact, I work even faster and make sure I complete my projects, knowing that I'll be away for maternity leave. Maybe a small percentage might take advantage of their condition... but that's not restricted to pregnancy... bad work ethics is not caused by pregnancy!
The singles who wrote also lamented that they can't take leave during the hols because the leave is 'reserved' for parents. REALLY! Singles have 10 months in which they can clear their leave anytime! And they want t gripe about parents who can only take leave during the school hols... and do they really want to pay the peak season charges and face the crowd of tourists during those period??? I think not. Unlike singles, parents can't go for long stretch holidays anyway; singles can CHOOSE to take 3 weeks and scoot off in a flash. Parents need to plan, way in advance, pay more, book early and face the crowd. Come on, a little give and take?
The singles also lamented that they too have parents to feed and therefore need more tax rebates like parents. Doesn't that then make married parents have a double whammy? They too have their own parents, plus the children, sometimes plus the spouse's parents, siblings and others. Unlike singles who needs only to be responsible for themselves and their parents, married parents often have more dependents. Yes, singles are contributing to society... but so are working mothers. The gov policies are sound. They support those who work.
In any case, it is NOT that the gov favours and values parents or devalues singles... It is a pragmatic choice to support parenthood. The nation needs to replace itself to sustain a growing economy. So the gov needs to have more babies now because 20-30 years down the road, they will be the ones to grow the economy. By then, taxes is likely to go up because it would then need to support the mass of singles and childless marrieds who are probably past their economic viable years. So it is a pragmatic choice. It doesn't make economic sense to rebate the singles now because it will not help the economy in the long run.
So for the singles who kick up a fuss and cry foul, bear in mind of the future hands that will feed Singapore and don't bite the hands that will feed you.
For a few nights in a row, this has kept me awake. It was triggered by Sumiko Tan's article lamenting about the injustice of any parenthood measures and the onslaught of forum reply supporting her cause. I was kept awake because I was mentally drafting a letter to her... but I never got round to doing it yet so I'm having my discourse here.
In ST's article and the many forum letters that followed, many lamented about the inconvenience that parents and pregnancy posed to them... e.g. pregnant women had to go for check ups, then they are off to 3 months of maternity, leaving the colleagues to cover the duties and parents had to take children to see docs etc. My question is.. how often does a woman get pregnant in her working life? 1, 2 maybe 3 times in the entire career. That's 36 weeks. Now, how many times does a man go on reservist in his entire career? He would have to go for reservist EVERY YEAR for a stretch of 2-3 weeks. At times, reservist calling in twice a year (like one of my colleague). You do the Math. And if you have an unfit colleague, there is also RT which sees him knocking off at 4 pm. Who covers for them? I'm sure the load is shared, regardless if you are pregnant or parents. And what more, the 2 years of NS is compensated in pay. I'm sure the pain, literary, that women go through for childbirth is no lesser than what men went through for NS. And the opportunity cost is just as high. You don't hear parents heave a hue and cry about this.
And I absolutely disagree with what many said that pregnancy affects work quality. What absolute rubbish. I find myself working harder and longer because I feel the need to prove that I'm just as effective and productive pregnant or not. In fact, I work even faster and make sure I complete my projects, knowing that I'll be away for maternity leave. Maybe a small percentage might take advantage of their condition... but that's not restricted to pregnancy... bad work ethics is not caused by pregnancy!
The singles who wrote also lamented that they can't take leave during the hols because the leave is 'reserved' for parents. REALLY! Singles have 10 months in which they can clear their leave anytime! And they want t gripe about parents who can only take leave during the school hols... and do they really want to pay the peak season charges and face the crowd of tourists during those period??? I think not. Unlike singles, parents can't go for long stretch holidays anyway; singles can CHOOSE to take 3 weeks and scoot off in a flash. Parents need to plan, way in advance, pay more, book early and face the crowd. Come on, a little give and take?
The singles also lamented that they too have parents to feed and therefore need more tax rebates like parents. Doesn't that then make married parents have a double whammy? They too have their own parents, plus the children, sometimes plus the spouse's parents, siblings and others. Unlike singles who needs only to be responsible for themselves and their parents, married parents often have more dependents. Yes, singles are contributing to society... but so are working mothers. The gov policies are sound. They support those who work.
In any case, it is NOT that the gov favours and values parents or devalues singles... It is a pragmatic choice to support parenthood. The nation needs to replace itself to sustain a growing economy. So the gov needs to have more babies now because 20-30 years down the road, they will be the ones to grow the economy. By then, taxes is likely to go up because it would then need to support the mass of singles and childless marrieds who are probably past their economic viable years. So it is a pragmatic choice. It doesn't make economic sense to rebate the singles now because it will not help the economy in the long run.
So for the singles who kick up a fuss and cry foul, bear in mind of the future hands that will feed Singapore and don't bite the hands that will feed you.
Lucas the octopus
Lucas is at the age where he says the darnest things... you really don't know whether to laugh or cry... He is quite KL (like mom) so some of the things he said really makes you quite "dui"... Here are some recent examples...
Episode 1
Lucas hold on to biscuit in one hand and a 0.20 cent coin in the other.
HS: Lucas, you have to hold me hand. This is a carpark you know.
Lucas: I hold biscuit in this hand (lifts left hand) and 20 cents in this hand (lifts right hand). You think I octopus ah? I have 2 hands only LEH...
HS: ... ...
Episode 2
At the carpark. HS walking behind Lucas.
Lucas: MOMMMMIEEEEEE, you not holding my hand! This is a carpark you know? If I don't remind you, you must remind yourself! hiaz... (holding on to HS's hand)
HS: ... ...
Episode 3
Lucas with Granny on a sunny day
Granny: Wah.. so hot... Lucas walk in the shade. So hot. Later you fall sick.
Lucas: Noooo, you must walk in the sun. Sun gives you Vitamin D.
Granny: Where got Vitamin? I cannot see...
Lucas: That's why lah.. you didn't walk in the sun, no vitamin, now cannot see also...
Granny: ... ...
Episode 4
Lucas using metal spoon over the open flame of the stove.
HS: LUCAS! Cannot play with fire! Do dangerous. Do you want to burn the house down???
Lucas: Won't, mommy. It is metal. Won't burn... you see your pot also metal.
HS: ... ... yes, but metal is a god conductor.. it will get hot and burn your hands!
Lucas: Nooooo mommy.., won't. When it gets hot, I'll drop the spoon (demonstrate by dropping the spoon). See, won't burn!
HS: ... ...
Usually, the arguments or rather conversation last longer than these but I'm often left flabbergasted.
Episode 1
Lucas hold on to biscuit in one hand and a 0.20 cent coin in the other.
HS: Lucas, you have to hold me hand. This is a carpark you know.
Lucas: I hold biscuit in this hand (lifts left hand) and 20 cents in this hand (lifts right hand). You think I octopus ah? I have 2 hands only LEH...
HS: ... ...
Episode 2
At the carpark. HS walking behind Lucas.
Lucas: MOMMMMIEEEEEE, you not holding my hand! This is a carpark you know? If I don't remind you, you must remind yourself! hiaz... (holding on to HS's hand)
HS: ... ...
Episode 3
Lucas with Granny on a sunny day
Granny: Wah.. so hot... Lucas walk in the shade. So hot. Later you fall sick.
Lucas: Noooo, you must walk in the sun. Sun gives you Vitamin D.
Granny: Where got Vitamin? I cannot see...
Lucas: That's why lah.. you didn't walk in the sun, no vitamin, now cannot see also...
Granny: ... ...
Episode 4
Lucas using metal spoon over the open flame of the stove.
HS: LUCAS! Cannot play with fire! Do dangerous. Do you want to burn the house down???
Lucas: Won't, mommy. It is metal. Won't burn... you see your pot also metal.
HS: ... ... yes, but metal is a god conductor.. it will get hot and burn your hands!
Lucas: Nooooo mommy.., won't. When it gets hot, I'll drop the spoon (demonstrate by dropping the spoon). See, won't burn!
HS: ... ...
Usually, the arguments or rather conversation last longer than these but I'm often left flabbergasted.
Monday, 21 July 2008
Extolling the virtues of family dinners
My vendor sent me this really neat article extolling the virtues of having family dinner. The article is very well-written and very tongue-in-cheek.
I'm a firm believer of family dinners. I used to have them very regularly with my parents until the teenage angst set those dinners to be mini battle grounds.:) But it was a great time and my very democratic family strongly believed that if you have a point in your argument, it is a fair fight. So we have shouting matches at the dinner table. Everyone, and I do mean, everyone, is equal. No hierarchy, no "I'm dad so you jolly-well listen to me". At the end of it, some conclusions were drawn and we (my sis and I) were left with making what my parents hoped would be a wiser decision. And we end the evening clearing the table together and doing the dishes and other chores. Dinners bonded us. To the untrained eye, my family probably appeared dysfunctional.
It was at these family dinners, that I learnt that my views were valued and heard. I learnt that I have to speak my mind if I want to be heard and understood. Maybe that's why I'm a quarrelsome person to some... I relish in a good argument. Of course, it would have been much easier had my parents dictated how I should behave and decisions I ought to make- I wouldn't have taken roads less traveled, end up with possibly lesser heart-aches and probably be a lot more sane in mind.
But because I was given a chance to air my views at those dinners, a chance to make my own decisions, I also learnt to live by the consequences. I can't turn around and blame someone else. And I grew wiser in the wrong decisions I made and became stronger as a result of many failures. And in a very masochistic, egoistical way, Im actually rather smug about how I had been-there, done-that... Some people can only now dream or wish they had done exactly what I did with their life.
Much happened at those dinners. Besides arguments, we also shared many jokes and funny anecdotes about our friends, updates on our life etc. So it really pains me when my friends, colleagues and some parents I know don't eat dinners with their family. It is not a simple affair of just eating together... it is the whole magic behind that act, which opens up the doorway for more understanding and conversation. And it is a ritual that must have it roots early in the family tradition.
I'm a firm believer of family dinners. I used to have them very regularly with my parents until the teenage angst set those dinners to be mini battle grounds.:) But it was a great time and my very democratic family strongly believed that if you have a point in your argument, it is a fair fight. So we have shouting matches at the dinner table. Everyone, and I do mean, everyone, is equal. No hierarchy, no "I'm dad so you jolly-well listen to me". At the end of it, some conclusions were drawn and we (my sis and I) were left with making what my parents hoped would be a wiser decision. And we end the evening clearing the table together and doing the dishes and other chores. Dinners bonded us. To the untrained eye, my family probably appeared dysfunctional.
It was at these family dinners, that I learnt that my views were valued and heard. I learnt that I have to speak my mind if I want to be heard and understood. Maybe that's why I'm a quarrelsome person to some... I relish in a good argument. Of course, it would have been much easier had my parents dictated how I should behave and decisions I ought to make- I wouldn't have taken roads less traveled, end up with possibly lesser heart-aches and probably be a lot more sane in mind.
But because I was given a chance to air my views at those dinners, a chance to make my own decisions, I also learnt to live by the consequences. I can't turn around and blame someone else. And I grew wiser in the wrong decisions I made and became stronger as a result of many failures. And in a very masochistic, egoistical way, Im actually rather smug about how I had been-there, done-that... Some people can only now dream or wish they had done exactly what I did with their life.
Much happened at those dinners. Besides arguments, we also shared many jokes and funny anecdotes about our friends, updates on our life etc. So it really pains me when my friends, colleagues and some parents I know don't eat dinners with their family. It is not a simple affair of just eating together... it is the whole magic behind that act, which opens up the doorway for more understanding and conversation. And it is a ritual that must have it roots early in the family tradition.
We have 200
We managed to collect about 200 signatures and the letter was submitted in. The Developer gave a quick reply to say they are looking at the matter and checking the feasibility of putting up the grills.
It sounds like lip service to me... but I'll be fair and give them the time needed to sort this out. 1 month and if nothing moves, we would have to step up the pressure.
Along my rounds to get people to sign the letter, I encountered some really nice and sweet people and of course those who were already frustrated and was glad to see me at their door with a look of empathy and a listening ear. I don't really mind listening to their complaints, but it was really quite late (11 pm) and they really should have noticed my bulging tummy and not lament for more than 15 mins.
I guess if I should ever consider being a volunteer for PAP, this would be pretty good training for those "Meet the People" sessions.
It sounds like lip service to me... but I'll be fair and give them the time needed to sort this out. 1 month and if nothing moves, we would have to step up the pressure.
Along my rounds to get people to sign the letter, I encountered some really nice and sweet people and of course those who were already frustrated and was glad to see me at their door with a look of empathy and a listening ear. I don't really mind listening to their complaints, but it was really quite late (11 pm) and they really should have noticed my bulging tummy and not lament for more than 15 mins.
I guess if I should ever consider being a volunteer for PAP, this would be pretty good training for those "Meet the People" sessions.
Sunday, 6 July 2008
Updates on recent break-ins
I last posted about my home being broken into. Here's an update.
I met up with some affected residents last Wednesday and we decided that we should call for a meeting with more residents staying at the affected blocks. We met today and decided that we should petition to the Developer.
It is probably no surprise that Singaporeans are an apathetic lot. While most are supportive and coorperative, no one wants to the take the lead. I guess everyone is just so busy and just waiting for someone else to do the job. Anyway, I somehow became the village head/indian chief of sorts. It is not something I desire since I'm already pressed for time for my work and feeling all the discomfort from the pregnancy. But seems like no one is stepping up to the plate and this is something I feel quite strongly. Maybe I'm just a quarrelsome person. :P
Anyway, it became my role to rally the support, write the letters and liaise with the people concerned.
I hope it won't be a futile attempt and I hope in the end, the Developer would do something without us taking too drastic measures. But I'm pretty prepared... if the situation is not salvage, we may have to escalate this to a media and legal tussle. sigh...
I met up with some affected residents last Wednesday and we decided that we should call for a meeting with more residents staying at the affected blocks. We met today and decided that we should petition to the Developer.
It is probably no surprise that Singaporeans are an apathetic lot. While most are supportive and coorperative, no one wants to the take the lead. I guess everyone is just so busy and just waiting for someone else to do the job. Anyway, I somehow became the village head/indian chief of sorts. It is not something I desire since I'm already pressed for time for my work and feeling all the discomfort from the pregnancy. But seems like no one is stepping up to the plate and this is something I feel quite strongly. Maybe I'm just a quarrelsome person. :P
Anyway, it became my role to rally the support, write the letters and liaise with the people concerned.
I hope it won't be a futile attempt and I hope in the end, the Developer would do something without us taking too drastic measures. But I'm pretty prepared... if the situation is not salvage, we may have to escalate this to a media and legal tussle. sigh...
Tuesday, 1 July 2008
Someone has been here!!!
This evening started out quite uneventful until I got home and one of my neighbours from downstairs came by with a shocking news. Apparently, a burglar is on the loose in my condo and he broke into several houses today. He scaled through the kitchen windows via an open ledge at the lift landing. For my block alone, he covered all 16 apartments, mine included. He probably had a great shopping at other blocks too.
I was naturally appalled and the list of valuables that have been looted raced through my mind... My jewelry is left unlock since I am lazy to have to rummage for them, the IBook is left on the sofa, Lucas's 2 fat piggy banks with several pieces of fifty notes and coins is proudly displayed in his room etc etc.
After my conversation with my neighbour, I went mentally prepared to check out my lost goods... Lo and behold! Nothing went missing! Not my diamonds, or the thick wad of CNY $2-$10 dollars. The Ibook is left untouched and Lucas's piggies not slaughtered either. Extremely strange. I couldn't believe my luck and I went to check through the items again. I couldn't find anything missing.
I roped in Vinc to do a check. He has a keener eye for details. He found telltale footprints on the window ledge. 2 sets of different men's prints to be exact. He also discovered some the boxes which contained some unimportant misc items (like clothes hangers) moved, and very carefully replaced to be almost at the exact locations (except it is tilted). So someone has definitely been into our house and looked through our things.
I opened my lingerie drawers and found that they has also looked through my private collection and tried to arrange them back... EEEkkkk... Those perverts! I would have to soak my bras and undies with Dettol!
Vinc speculated that besides breaking in, they were also doing a recce to see which other units are worth a second visit. Hence, they didn't want to alert home owners. My dad (who is an ex-policeman) thinks it is likely an inside job and that if not caught, they will revisit. He suggested to 'trap' them by getting the neighbours to lock all windows and leave only a couple of 'trap windows' open and closely monitored.
What freaks me is that I could have been home alone with Lucas when something like that happen. I am not sure what I would have done in that scenario other than to protect Lucas from harm. I'm gonna see the management office tomorrow to get something done about those open ledge. And in the meantime, I'm going to lock my windows and also set booby traps for this trespasser... it is a long way down from where I stay.
I was naturally appalled and the list of valuables that have been looted raced through my mind... My jewelry is left unlock since I am lazy to have to rummage for them, the IBook is left on the sofa, Lucas's 2 fat piggy banks with several pieces of fifty notes and coins is proudly displayed in his room etc etc.
After my conversation with my neighbour, I went mentally prepared to check out my lost goods... Lo and behold! Nothing went missing! Not my diamonds, or the thick wad of CNY $2-$10 dollars. The Ibook is left untouched and Lucas's piggies not slaughtered either. Extremely strange. I couldn't believe my luck and I went to check through the items again. I couldn't find anything missing.
I roped in Vinc to do a check. He has a keener eye for details. He found telltale footprints on the window ledge. 2 sets of different men's prints to be exact. He also discovered some the boxes which contained some unimportant misc items (like clothes hangers) moved, and very carefully replaced to be almost at the exact locations (except it is tilted). So someone has definitely been into our house and looked through our things.
I opened my lingerie drawers and found that they has also looked through my private collection and tried to arrange them back... EEEkkkk... Those perverts! I would have to soak my bras and undies with Dettol!
Vinc speculated that besides breaking in, they were also doing a recce to see which other units are worth a second visit. Hence, they didn't want to alert home owners. My dad (who is an ex-policeman) thinks it is likely an inside job and that if not caught, they will revisit. He suggested to 'trap' them by getting the neighbours to lock all windows and leave only a couple of 'trap windows' open and closely monitored.
What freaks me is that I could have been home alone with Lucas when something like that happen. I am not sure what I would have done in that scenario other than to protect Lucas from harm. I'm gonna see the management office tomorrow to get something done about those open ledge. And in the meantime, I'm going to lock my windows and also set booby traps for this trespasser... it is a long way down from where I stay.
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