Feeling like failure

Today, Lucas was caned for the first time. His offence- sneaking a sweet into his bed and eating it. It sounds trivial but I call it stealing. He took the sweets without permission and he did it in secrecy. Not too long ago, he also took a biscuit from his classmate and was smacked for it.

So today, I explained why he was wrong, reminded him of the punishment I had warned him about and gave him a stroke of cane on the legs. He didn't cry. In fact, he looked downright 'boh-chap'. After that, he was sent to stand in a corner to reflect and tell me what was it that he had done wrong. Lucas is like me when I was a kid. We both respond to emotional 'punishment' than physical. Because I ignored him when he was sent to his corner, he started to tear. He said sorry (which he seldom does) and told me why he was wrong. After another round of talk and explanation, I sent him to bed weeping. That night, I didn't keep him company as I usually did.

From the moment I caned him, I felt a lump in my throat. It hurts whenever I have to punish/discipline him. And what pains me more is that he doesn't seem to learn. I feel like a complete failure; a lousy mom. I understood how my parents must have felt. I stole from childhood right up till secondary school. The last time I stole and was caught, I wanted to be the 1st to tell my dad before my school did the shock. I remember his look of disappointment and pain. He didn't say a word... he just shook his head and walked out of the room then.

I feel that exact same pain now. Feeling helpless and inadequate. How lousy and hurt my dad must have been.

I googled and read that this 'sticky fingers' is a normal passing phase for most kids. But it must be dealt with with patience, love and lots of explanation. I know "this too shall pass" but that horrible lump is still stuck in my throat, just as that terrible sense of guilt and lousiness.