Suffer the little children... again...

I was infuriated and upset when I read the news of the child who went missing and was subsequently found murdered. This child stays at Kallang Bahru, a few blocks away from where I used to stay. If I had continued staying there, Lucas and him could have been friends and they would have played at the same playground.

I am furious why the child was reported missing only after 5 days he was taken. Didn't his family worry that he wasn't home on the 1st night, the 2nd, the 3rd? Why have a child only to abandon him to his own devices! And how could any one lay hands and harm a child! And when I see cases like that I really wish the very very worst death for such perverts... that they die a more horrible death and suffer worse pain and deeper fear than the children they had harmed.

At times like this, I seek to understand and make sense of the insanity. I borrowed my colleague's bible and prayed for strength and wisdom. I prayed for the young soul gone before his time and I prayed for forgiveness in my heart. And when I read the bible, I found this;

"So do not fear, for I am with you,
Do not be dismayed, for I am your God,
I will strenghten you and help you,
I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.
...

Though you search for your enermies,
You will not find them.
Those who wage war against you will be as nothing at all
For I am the Lord, your God,
who takes hold of your right hand and says to you,
Do not fear, I will help you." ISAIAH 41:3

What's in a name?

I was at Lucas's potential primary school to clock hours today. It's the P1 orientation and I was assigned to help register the kids. It was quite a mundane affair until some names had me in stitches. I wonder what were the parents thinking when they named their kids. And the poor kids who have to live with the names and its association, for life! Below are some really odd names.

- Strange male names: a set of twin brothers, Jammriod & Hammriod. Wonder if piles run in the family. Handy (I'm sure he will be a handy man), Hay (Hey, Hay!), Gaylim (erm, not for a boy?), Madthew, and finally, King.
- Strange female names: Dymetia, Isid (Is it?), Enide, Verginny (What???!!!), and my personal favourite Merlinal, the future wife of Merlion.

And these are Chinese kids. Why, parents, why? Then I recalled I wanted really unique name for Lucas, like Valdimir or Luthion. Luckily, I have a sane husband and colleagues who dissuaded me.

I spent the most of today volunteering at the Society for the Physically Disabled. It was meaningful... but do I feel good? No. In fact, I always feel bad after each volunteer session with a disadvantaged group, esp. if it involves children. And yet, time and again, I plunge head-long into it.

I feel awful and depressed when I see and interact with the beneficiaries. I try to laugh and crack some jokes. I try to brighten up their day and not let them see the sadness in my eyes.

My friends say it is because I am a mother now, which is why I'm more emotional when I see disadvantaged groups, in particular children. They said I could empathise with their parents. True, I never felt this way when I was without kids. Now, I look at children/youths with disability and I wonder about the pains and struggles their parents must have gone through. I wonder if I would be just as strong if I was in their shoes.

Like today, I look at some of the beneficiaries who are confined to wheelchairs, with drool running down their chest, eyes glazed and hands jerking without control and I wonder if they are aware of their surroundings. I wonder if there is a soul behind those eyes, is there a dream which remains hidden, unknown to anyone but themselves. Is there a pain they feel which they can't communicate, a fear they cannot express. I feel awful just looking at them and I am ashamed. Ashamed that I have so many blessings in my life and I whine. Ashamed that I wonder if it was better to be dead than to live like that. Ashamed that I would not have had the strength nor the courage to carry on if I had to face such a cruel situation.

But I know come tomorrow; come the day after tomorrow; I'll gradually forget the lessons I learnt today. And I'll again volunteer for another session which will jolt me into misery and make me realise I am a priviledged person.

Reminiscence

I must be getting old... I have been indulging in wallowing in the past lately. Remembering the places I have been to, the guys I have dated, the friends I made and lost, the adventures I had, the regrets I have to live with...

A lot of my memories have 3 very important men and 3 very important women. These 6 are probably the foundation which form my personality, set my worldview and made me who I am today. Yes,... blame it all on them. :P The 3 men are my dad, a guy I dated during my growing years, and my hubby and the 3 women are my mom, my sister and my best friend.

They all watched me grow and went through the best and the worst part of my life with me. My best friend, especially, was there with me during the turbulent teens,... she held my hand and cried with me when I was 1st heartbroken. She was there when I was the happiest (at my ROM) and was also there at my lowest. We goaded each other to do the dumbest thing (like dressing up and trying to pass off as air-stewardess at Changi airport, on a school day)... Ya ya, roll your eyeballs. We still tease each other about our 1st crushes and we are each others 2nd contact whenever something good or bad happens, after the hubbies. And maybe in some cases, we are each others 1st (e.g. suspected pregnancies).

My hubby is probably my second best friend. :P But still there are some things that men just don't get. Hubby and I met when I was probably at the best stage of my life. I had stipend from MOE, but none of the work and I had holidays. We went through a ‘轰轰烈烈’kind of relationship and had to play Romeo and Juliet for a year plus. Apt I guess since the 1st show we caught together was Romeo and Juliet, D'Caprio version... I miss the craziness in our relationship. Maybe becos we are both older and with so much more responsibilities that we just don't have time or energy to be crazy anymore. BUT all's not lost, we recently went kite-flying on a whim and it was quite fun even though we went a little late and could only fly the kite for a short 45 mins. It was a special 45 mins which made me feel more alive than I had been in months.

Anyway,... I probably shouldn't wallow so much in the past... especially not during office hours I guess.