Suffer the little children... again...

I was infuriated and upset when I read the news of the child who went missing and was subsequently found murdered. This child stays at Kallang Bahru, a few blocks away from where I used to stay. If I had continued staying there, Lucas and him could have been friends and they would have played at the same playground.

I am furious why the child was reported missing only after 5 days he was taken. Didn't his family worry that he wasn't home on the 1st night, the 2nd, the 3rd? Why have a child only to abandon him to his own devices! And how could any one lay hands and harm a child! And when I see cases like that I really wish the very very worst death for such perverts... that they die a more horrible death and suffer worse pain and deeper fear than the children they had harmed.

At times like this, I seek to understand and make sense of the insanity. I borrowed my colleague's bible and prayed for strength and wisdom. I prayed for the young soul gone before his time and I prayed for forgiveness in my heart. And when I read the bible, I found this;

"So do not fear, for I am with you,
Do not be dismayed, for I am your God,
I will strenghten you and help you,
I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.
...

Though you search for your enermies,
You will not find them.
Those who wage war against you will be as nothing at all
For I am the Lord, your God,
who takes hold of your right hand and says to you,
Do not fear, I will help you." ISAIAH 41:3

What's in a name?

I was at Lucas's potential primary school to clock hours today. It's the P1 orientation and I was assigned to help register the kids. It was quite a mundane affair until some names had me in stitches. I wonder what were the parents thinking when they named their kids. And the poor kids who have to live with the names and its association, for life! Below are some really odd names.

- Strange male names: a set of twin brothers, Jammriod & Hammriod. Wonder if piles run in the family. Handy (I'm sure he will be a handy man), Hay (Hey, Hay!), Gaylim (erm, not for a boy?), Madthew, and finally, King.
- Strange female names: Dymetia, Isid (Is it?), Enide, Verginny (What???!!!), and my personal favourite Merlinal, the future wife of Merlion.

And these are Chinese kids. Why, parents, why? Then I recalled I wanted really unique name for Lucas, like Valdimir or Luthion. Luckily, I have a sane husband and colleagues who dissuaded me.

I spent the most of today volunteering at the Society for the Physically Disabled. It was meaningful... but do I feel good? No. In fact, I always feel bad after each volunteer session with a disadvantaged group, esp. if it involves children. And yet, time and again, I plunge head-long into it.

I feel awful and depressed when I see and interact with the beneficiaries. I try to laugh and crack some jokes. I try to brighten up their day and not let them see the sadness in my eyes.

My friends say it is because I am a mother now, which is why I'm more emotional when I see disadvantaged groups, in particular children. They said I could empathise with their parents. True, I never felt this way when I was without kids. Now, I look at children/youths with disability and I wonder about the pains and struggles their parents must have gone through. I wonder if I would be just as strong if I was in their shoes.

Like today, I look at some of the beneficiaries who are confined to wheelchairs, with drool running down their chest, eyes glazed and hands jerking without control and I wonder if they are aware of their surroundings. I wonder if there is a soul behind those eyes, is there a dream which remains hidden, unknown to anyone but themselves. Is there a pain they feel which they can't communicate, a fear they cannot express. I feel awful just looking at them and I am ashamed. Ashamed that I have so many blessings in my life and I whine. Ashamed that I wonder if it was better to be dead than to live like that. Ashamed that I would not have had the strength nor the courage to carry on if I had to face such a cruel situation.

But I know come tomorrow; come the day after tomorrow; I'll gradually forget the lessons I learnt today. And I'll again volunteer for another session which will jolt me into misery and make me realise I am a priviledged person.

Reminiscence

I must be getting old... I have been indulging in wallowing in the past lately. Remembering the places I have been to, the guys I have dated, the friends I made and lost, the adventures I had, the regrets I have to live with...

A lot of my memories have 3 very important men and 3 very important women. These 6 are probably the foundation which form my personality, set my worldview and made me who I am today. Yes,... blame it all on them. :P The 3 men are my dad, a guy I dated during my growing years, and my hubby and the 3 women are my mom, my sister and my best friend.

They all watched me grow and went through the best and the worst part of my life with me. My best friend, especially, was there with me during the turbulent teens,... she held my hand and cried with me when I was 1st heartbroken. She was there when I was the happiest (at my ROM) and was also there at my lowest. We goaded each other to do the dumbest thing (like dressing up and trying to pass off as air-stewardess at Changi airport, on a school day)... Ya ya, roll your eyeballs. We still tease each other about our 1st crushes and we are each others 2nd contact whenever something good or bad happens, after the hubbies. And maybe in some cases, we are each others 1st (e.g. suspected pregnancies).

My hubby is probably my second best friend. :P But still there are some things that men just don't get. Hubby and I met when I was probably at the best stage of my life. I had stipend from MOE, but none of the work and I had holidays. We went through a ‘轰轰烈烈’kind of relationship and had to play Romeo and Juliet for a year plus. Apt I guess since the 1st show we caught together was Romeo and Juliet, D'Caprio version... I miss the craziness in our relationship. Maybe becos we are both older and with so much more responsibilities that we just don't have time or energy to be crazy anymore. BUT all's not lost, we recently went kite-flying on a whim and it was quite fun even though we went a little late and could only fly the kite for a short 45 mins. It was a special 45 mins which made me feel more alive than I had been in months.

Anyway,... I probably shouldn't wallow so much in the past... especially not during office hours I guess.

Days gone by

I had dinner at Susan Chan, Far East Plaza, level 5, today. I last ate there maybe some 6 years ago. Predictably, I ordered fish soup bee hoon. I half expected the taste of this dish to have changed but to my pleasant surprise, it tasted much the same as before. The familiar taste, sight, sound and smell of Susan Chan got me a little nostalgic. Change is constant though I wished some things remained the same, just as my bowl of fish soup bee hoon. Here's a list of things I miss...

Colleagues
I miss having a bunch of colleagues who are also my good friends. People I can talk crap to, from boob jobs to bedroom secrets. People who appreciate my weird sense of humour. Now, I have to wait for some monthly gathering which sometimes doesn't happen.

Hor Fan & Char Kway Teow
I miss the 2 dishes above from NUS Arts Canteen. The old uncle and auntie cooked with springy footsteps. I loved their food as much as watching them cook.

Bungalow
I actually miss the old bungalow which used to be my office. Haunting and beautiful.

Long Lost Friend
I miss a long lost friend who calls me by my nickname, Sotong.

Travel
Spontaneous travels to faraway places.

National Library
I spent many weekends daydreaming in the aisles along the bookshelves, in the garden and sitting on those red brick parapet. It was a lovely old dame.

Satay Club
No elaboration needed.

Guess as one ages, the list gets longer. Maybe I can add on as the years go by.

I love my iPhone

I just love my iPhone. It allows me to do so many things while on the move, including updating this blog. How cool is that?

It's particularly useful now when I am volunteering for a really brain numbing ushering duty at a primary school. I could also surf, plan my time, play the many free games available, check emails, update my facebook and if you load the right applications, the list really goes on.

The only gripe I have is that it couldn't sync with my Lotus Notes... ... Though those who know me will think that's the best feature. Ha!

If you are looking to upgrade your phone, I would really strongly recommend iPhone.

Kiasu?

Off late, I have been labelled as a 'Kiasu Parent'. It all stemmed from a workshop that I wanted to enrol Lucas in. The programme helps identify the learning style of a child, develops the strengths and addresses the weaknesses. The programme doesn't come cheap. It is a four-figure cost spanning some 3-5 months.

And the reason why Lucas is enrolled in it is because I had long suspected that he has some attention issues and I wanted to determine if my suspicion is accurate and if so, I would want to address it before it gets worse. After some tests, the results while not conclusive seems to point towards Lucas needing some help. I signed him on to the programme without hesitation.

Now, back to this Kiasu label. I really detest it when people call me that. I don't want to be a kiasu parent because it signals someone who is so "afraid of losing" that they compromise the needs and happiness of the child. The intention and motivation behind a kiasu parent is self-serving, and not child-centric.

I'm far far from being a kiasu parent. I don't coach him intensely at home, I don't enrol him in programmes he doesn't like, I don't pack his weekdays/ends with enrichment and I don't expect him to perform ultra fantastic results. And definitely, I don't expect to him to do extraordinarily so that I can bask in the glory. But I do expect him to do his best. And I expect myself to help him perform his best. And if he has some learning disability, then I should, as a responsible parent (and as not a kiasu parent), address that dysfunction. This is especially so when this dysfunction has becomes disruptive and self-debilitating.

I didn't bother to explain myself to the 'detractors' who commented about my 'kiasu ways'. So why do I bother to blog about it here? Because I had really given it much thought and analysis. I need to know for certain the motivation and intention behind my own actions in case I'm blinkered. Self-reflection to be sure I am doing what's best for my kids and not for myself. And I am sure I don't have the intention of turning Lucas into the next Einstein just so that I can be mommy Einstein.

Tamiflu- More monitoring required

Lucas came down with fever over Sunday and was still battling with a 39 degrees fever after medication. By the 4th day, I brought him back to the GP, which also happens to be a PPC (Pandemic Preparedness Clinic). The Doc prescribed Tamiflu, saying that he is in the high risk group as (1) he is under 5 years old and (2) he has sensitive airways which makes him more susceptible to lung infections. I have all respect for her but I'm hesitant about giving Lucas Tamiflu. There have been numerous reports that the harm far outweigh the benefits. I raised my concern with the doc and she brushed me off saying that news reports are hogwash and reporters are not doctors. Then she whipped out a memo from MOH that says Tamiflu is safe for children.

So that afternoon when Lucas's fever did not subside, against my nagging better judgement, I gave Lucas the 1st dose of Tamiflu. 30 minutes later, Lucas was puking. He threw up until he had nothing to throw up. Fearing that he might be dehydrated, I asked him to drink some water. He couldn't hold it down and started another round of puking. To take his mind off the vomiting, we played monopoly. Then the halucinations began. He kept telling my phone is ringing when it is not. Then he said he couldn't reach his pawn on the monopoly board cos the table has floated too high. It was scary. He continued retching in between. I kept the monopoly as I didn't think we would be able to continue with the game. And Lucas sat in a corner of the sofa and stared into space. When I talk to him, he just looked at me blankly like I wasn't there. He stoned for another 30 minutes. After that, in a sudden burst, he started running amok all over the house. He laughed and screamed at every thing in the house and when I caught him to slow him down, he just kept giggling. He looked like he just smoked pot!

The effects only wore off about 3-4 hours later. I took him off Tamiflu and called the clinic the next morning to let them know.

Because H1N1 is so rampant, PPCs are taking a "just in case" attitude about prescribing Tamiflu, even to young children. This is despite the concern that the wide spread use may actually cause virus mutation, making it more drug resistant. More monitoring should be done before PPCs take it in their own hands to prescribe Tamiflu. Blood test should be performed to confirm H1N1 before starting patients on Tamiflu. And doctors must make it their responsibility to inform parents and patients of potential side effects.

Expectations

Recently I had a chat with some mommies with kids around Lucas age. They were impressed and amazed that Lucas showers, brushes his teeth, packs his bag and goes to bed by himself. They think he is highly independent and mature. Frankly, Vinc and I had never thought that these tasks were beyond him. We had expected him to do these and he did.

It made me re-examine my expectations. Sometimes I get upset and disappointed that Lucas can't read or write properly. Or that he cannot obey commands or show more self-restrain, for instance at a playground, when he goes ballistic. Or when he gets upset and couldn't control his tantrum. Am I expecting too much from him?

一波为平一波又起

Yesterday I blogged about the recent 'mishaps' of Lyra and Lucas. And I thought that should be it. Well,... today, Lyra's infant care called to inform me that Lyra's diarrhea is back, AND there is a confirmed H1N1 case in the centre. So they are checking if the virus had spread and if the centre need to be closed to contain the spread. Sigh... I need to find a horse-shoe or rabbit's foot to ward of the bad luck.

40 degrees & 6 stitches

That's what Lyra and Lucas had respectively this past week. Talk about trouble coming in 2s. First Lyra developed a persistent raging fever that wouldn't subside even with medication. By Sunday, which was the 4th day into her fever, she was 40 degrees. We brought her to KKH and they did some blood test. She was declared negative of anything serious and doc suspected she was just down with some viral infection. The remedy? Wait it out. Then just when her fever was coming down, we found spots all over her body and face. As she was immunised against measles, I worried about German measles. So Vinc and I huffed and puffed to the GP. We were told that it is normal and part and parcel of a viral infection. We were relieved. That was on Tuesday night.

So today, I kept Lyra at home just to make sure her fever's gone and she doesn't catch anything else. Then I got a frantic call from Lucas's childcare. He had a fall and cut his chin. The teachers were rushing him to hospital. Sounded serious but I thought maybe the teachers were just too panicky. I saw the wound,... the gaping hole more like it. It was a nasty nasty cut just under the chin. Brave Lucas didn't shed a tear. Not even when he was getting his stitches. He flinched a little, shut his eyes tight and grit his teeth once in a while. But other than that, he kept still and quiet. It was I who was trembling with fear. In fact, I was almost closed to tears. My poor baby... I held on to Vinc's hand tight. 6 stitches...

What an eventful few days for me. Not to mention downright tiring.

Feeling like failure

Today, Lucas was caned for the first time. His offence- sneaking a sweet into his bed and eating it. It sounds trivial but I call it stealing. He took the sweets without permission and he did it in secrecy. Not too long ago, he also took a biscuit from his classmate and was smacked for it.

So today, I explained why he was wrong, reminded him of the punishment I had warned him about and gave him a stroke of cane on the legs. He didn't cry. In fact, he looked downright 'boh-chap'. After that, he was sent to stand in a corner to reflect and tell me what was it that he had done wrong. Lucas is like me when I was a kid. We both respond to emotional 'punishment' than physical. Because I ignored him when he was sent to his corner, he started to tear. He said sorry (which he seldom does) and told me why he was wrong. After another round of talk and explanation, I sent him to bed weeping. That night, I didn't keep him company as I usually did.

From the moment I caned him, I felt a lump in my throat. It hurts whenever I have to punish/discipline him. And what pains me more is that he doesn't seem to learn. I feel like a complete failure; a lousy mom. I understood how my parents must have felt. I stole from childhood right up till secondary school. The last time I stole and was caught, I wanted to be the 1st to tell my dad before my school did the shock. I remember his look of disappointment and pain. He didn't say a word... he just shook his head and walked out of the room then.

I feel that exact same pain now. Feeling helpless and inadequate. How lousy and hurt my dad must have been.

I googled and read that this 'sticky fingers' is a normal passing phase for most kids. But it must be dealt with with patience, love and lots of explanation. I know "this too shall pass" but that horrible lump is still stuck in my throat, just as that terrible sense of guilt and lousiness.

Ooo, I make it look so easy...

Last Sunday I received a compliment from a neighbour I do not know. She stays at the next block on the ground floor. I was heading home with Lyra and hubby (Lucas was at a class) and we passed by her house. She said hello and commented that she really admired me. That she was impressed at how I would carry Lyra and pull Lucas along when we head out, without any extra help. She said very few parents in this era would do that.

I should be proud of myself. :) It is not the first time someone told me this. One of my friends had once commented that I 'pressurised' her cos I make it look so easy and yet she didn't find it easy at all to cope with her kid. She was practically under house arrest by her baby. And she admitted that she got quite sick of me telling her that she is capable of bringing the baby out and that it wasn't difficult. She had found it insurmountable. Needless to say, she seldom dates me.

I guess I made it look easy. At times I feel the same fear about how I will manage. Some times many thoughts of "what ifs" will haunt me just before I make a journey out. But I didn't want to be housebound and 'what ifs' is really not my style. I like to "just whack and see how". In a way, it's good cos I'm learnt not to be stressed about bringing the kids out or if I need to be alone with them. I think far too many parents sweat the small stuff. Go with the flow,... what's the worst? Like one of my friends shared, at most, the kid goes home with a diaper full of shit. She brings only 1 diaper change and at times completely forgets to bring any.

I think this phylosophy applies to work and life as well. Why worry about the 'what ifs'? There's no way to anticipate all pit falls so just whack lah.

Neither friend nor colleague

I have a penchant for putting my foot in my mouth. Some how things come out bad even with my best intentions. Not too long ago when I got promoted, I wanted to show some appreciation to some colleagues who weren't from my section. They weren't exactly so close that I would call them good friends. So instead of a lunch treat (which is for very close friends), I bought chocolates. In an effort to explain why I bought them chocolates, I said to one of them, that she "was neither friend nor colleague... that she belongs to somewhere in between... hence the chocs and no treat". My colleague was big-hearted and gave me a knowing look and said she understood. On hindsight, I realised how bad that sounded. I should have said that she meant more than just a colleague to me, hence I would like to share my joy with them... how much nicer that sounds.

Then 2 days ago, this incident came up as a converstion. My colleague asked me why I draw such a fine distinction between friends and colleagues. Well,... maybe I am anal about it. I classify friends as people I could count on when I'm in trouble, people I would not hesitate to cry infront of or to speak my mind without fear of being judged. Thus, I do not have many friends. Of course some colleagues are nice and I am not distant from them, but they are still not so close as to make me feel comfortable about ringing them up at 3am if I have a problem. Then I came up with this term to describe colleagues who are slightly more than colleagues but short of being a close friend. I call them "frileague"; an apt term I thought... untill you say it real fast and it sounds like "freak". Ha ha ha.

Poor children of the world

I watched this video with Lucas in the evening and explained how there are many poor children around the world, not lucky enough to have food, much less toys. Lucas watched this video very attentively and was visibly disturbed. When the video ended, I asked if he wanted to watch it again and he said "not sure...". After that we talked about child labour and I found Poor Children. We talked about the video, what it meant, why some children had to sleep on the roads, work, be without their daddy/mommy etc... I'm not sure if this will leave a lasting impact on him but I hope he understands how blessed he is. More importantly, I hope this will develop a sense of empathy and charity.

In case you are interested, the song in Poor Children is titled 'Mad World' by Gary Jules. Tears for Fears sang the 1st version. Lyrics appended.

All around me are familiar faces
Worn out places, worn out faces
Bright and early for their daily races
Going nowhere, going nowhere
Their tears are filling up their glasses
No expression, no expression
Hide my head I want to drown my sorrow
No tomorrow, no tomorrow

And I find it kinda funny
I find it kinda sad
The dreams in which I'm dying
Are the best I've ever had
I find it hard to tell you
I find it hard to take
When people run in circles
It's a very, very mad world mad world

Children waiting for the day they feel good
Happy Birthday, Happy Birthday
Made to feel the way that every child should
Sit and listen, sit and listen
Went to school and I was very nervous
No one knew me, no one knew me
Hello teacher tell me what's my lesson
Look right through me, look right through me

And I find it kinda funny
I find it kinda sad
The dreams in which I'm dying
Are the best I've ever had
I find it hard to tell you
I find it hard to take
When people run in circles
It's a very, very mad world ... world
Enlarge your world
Mad world
~~~ ~~~

Meat galore!

I was on leave on Wednesday with hubby to catch X-Men Origins: Wolverine. The show was quite a feast for the eyes, with Hugh Jackman flashing his butt in an escape scene. 'Flash' is the perfect word, because that was how fast it was... Before his cute butt even registered itself in your brains, it was all over. So for you ladies who have not watch it, DO NOT blink in his escape bid.

Then there were a couple other eye candy to watch out for, Agent Zero played by Daniel Henney and Gambit, played by Taylor Kitsch... Okay, I have no knowledge of what shows they were on previously though I vaguely recall Daniel Henney in some local movie not too long ago. Personally, I think there were too few scenes of Gambit. I liked his dark persona and his ability to draw bio-kinetic power. In the original version, he was supposed to be a ladies' man in the X-men league and a love interest of Rogue. I think another person who would have played this part to perfection would be Johnny Depp. Yes, sexy men... ... makes you wanna sing "It's Rainin Men, Halleluyah!"

Other than the flash/flesh, the show was ok. It was definitely not on par with any of the previous X-men. The story line was a little lame and some part were not faithful to the original comic version of X-Men. I would say pay that $8, watch it just so that you would have completed the series but don't expect too much.

Sensing my lust for meat, hubby brought me to a nice place for steak after the show. We went to Astons Specialities at The Cathay (#04-03). I must say the meat there was friendly on the stomach and the pocket. For a decent size cut with 2 sides, the cost was about $15, with some change to spare. I ordered a well-done and very often, well-done steak resembles chewing gum's toughness in most steak houses. Surprisingly, my well-done steak was tender and juicy. It was not dry or hard or chewy. For the price, it was definitely worth it. I ordered a garden salad for one of the sides and the veg was freshly tossed. I would definitely recommend this place. The down side is that they don't take reservations, you would just have to try your luck. Given that it's right smack with the IHLs, be prepared for long queues and entertained by 'adult-wannabe's' conversation. Aston's has several outlets, in Joo Chiat, East Coast, Chomp Chomp and a couple others. I heard the standard is quite uniform so you get the good food in all the outlets. Do try it.

Hubby and I then ended our leave with our 'meat' knead by expert hands at Sri Bayu. I slept like a baby for that 1 hour, which was over too soon. I look forward to another of such relaxing day.

Water Babies!

Lucas and Lyra both take to the water like ducks. They both started 'swimming' at 5 months. Children learnt to fear water from adults. Hence, I let water run down their faces when they shower since a few weeks old. So both do not have fear of water getting into their eyes. When adults do not make a big deal out of it, they also learnt that it is perfectly normal and they will not cry. I hope I can 'normalise' a lot of things this way and they will learn to be tougher.

Hot Surfer Dude
Hot Beach Babe

On my own 2 feet - Part 2

Here are 2 pics of Lyra trying to stand and standing.

This ambitious little lady will now let go of my hands when I hold her by the fingers into standing position. And she is attempting baby steps too. I had thought Lucas cruising at 9 months and walking at 10 months was fast... but this girl beat his Gor Gor to it.

Taking a practice break

"tah dah..."

我是毛毛虫

I dug up some of Lucas's toys so that Lyra could have some new toys to play with. Since she has shown interest in animals, like my neighbours' dogs, stray cats, birds etc, I thought she would probably like a wound up toy. So I took this cute green little caterpillar which Lucas used to like a lot, wound it up and let it 'crawl' towards her. And guess what! She stared at it and when it started to get close to her hands, she let out a sharp cry, turned towards me and started crawling real fast towards me to be carried! She was afraid of it... ha ha ha... We test it out by giving her the toy a couple of times and each time, she would turn away with a disgusted cry. I was totally surprised since she was not afraid of Lucas's dinosaur toy which lets out a ferocious roar! In comparison, the caterpillar is simply adorable... Well,... I would have to 'educate' her on this... until then, no creepy crawlies for Lyra.

Harmless 毛毛虫

In comparison to Lucas's T-Rex which moves and roars

**Afternote: I'm pleased to say Lyra no longer fears the caterpillar and will proceed to 'devour' it when she gets hold of it.

On my own 2 feet

Lyra is barely 6.5 months and that little imp is able to stand while holding on to the sides of her cot! For these couple of days, she has taken to 'secretly' practising and perfecting her standing and 2-step wobbling at wee hours, 2.30am to be exact, to the frustration of her sleep deprived mom. Of course, at the end of 2 hours of strenuous wobbly standing, falling, climbing and standing, and shuffling, Lyra would be tired and totally 'mang zhang'. And her poor sleep deprived mom would not only have to tolerate her cries and screams, but also feed and rock her to sleep.

But despite the lack of sleep and migraine as a result sleep deprivation, it is a joy to watch her. You should see the proud look on her face when she managed to stand and she would give a grunt of "Erh", as if she is calling to you, saying, "Hey! Look at me Mom! Look at what I could do!". I'll try to capture her triumphant look to share. I'm immensely proud of her.

And I recently came up with a song which I sing to her to sooth her back to sleep The tune is somewhat Celtic, although the tune changes every time. The lyrics is as below.

There was a sweet baby girl
and Lyra was her name
She has pretty eyes, a voice so soft
this wondrous little dame

Flowers bloom when she gives a smile
Sprinkle of rain when she gives a sigh
And I'm blessed of blessed
that this darling baby's mine.

I'll hold her close, wrapped in an embrace
My gift from heaven, my proof of Grace
I'll love her forever and ever
so never fear, my precious baby Lyra.

Walkie talkie

Have you ever seen people using their mobile phone as a walkie talkie? They hold their mobile phone to their mouth with the ear piece away from the ears and when they want to hear the other party, they then put the ear piece to their ears. I find it obsolutely stoopid that some people will talk like that. To me, it just reflects that these people would rather talk and the other party listen, which explains why they need not hear the response or feedback from the other person as they rattle on. Imagine when the other person on the other line is doing the same... both are talking assuming that the other party's listening but actually it's just 2 monologues.

Milk factory

This morning when I went to lactate, I discovered that I have ran out of milk bags, again. This would mean that I would have utilised about 540 bags! Out of curiousity, I did some calculations and concluded that I had produced an estimated 64.8 LITRES of milk since the birth of Lyra... not bad for a mini B (before pregnancy).

Then out of curiousity again, I wonder who made a more effective milk factory, me or a cow. So I did some research and found that on average a cow weighing 3000 kg, produces about 30-40 litres of milk a day. So for a cow's body weight, they produce a ratio of 11.7 ml per kg [(35L x 1000 ml) / 3000kg]. I produced (currently) about 455 ml (NOT including the amount I feed Lyra direct) per day, so that makes 10.8 ml per kg (455ml/42kg). And that's only the rate at which I expressed. If I add on the direct feedings which is estimated at 120 ml per feed x 4 night feeds... *tap tap calculator*... It means I would have produced 935ml per day, i.e. 22.3 ml per kg, way surpassing a dairy cow! Talk about being a milk factory! And I don't produce any green house effect! Ha!

Who's who?

Those who have met Lyra always remarked at how much she resembles her Gor Gor. So I collated the pics of Lucas and Lyra taken when they were around the same age and put them side by side. Are you able to tell who's who? :)

Frustrating 4, flustered mom

I'm not sure if my fuse has been shortened lately or if Lucas has been extremely testing. I find myself yelling, scolding, threatening, smacking his arms way too much. Of course there are times when he is obviously deserving of a punishment, such as the very elaborate lie he cooked up about his friend giving him a chocolate when he had in fact took it from the teacher's cupboard. But at other times, I'm not so sure if he was entirely at fault or was it because I was just too flustered with the increased duties and the decreased time. Plus my recent unhappiness at work.

I don't know... But I do know I have been very frustrated with him. Take today for instance, we brought him to Ajisen to have his favourite Ramen after his chinese class. It was 1 pm. He took a 45 mins to finish half the bowl of ramen... Throughout the lunch, he appeared to be drifting off to sleep. I was convinced he was pretending, but I wasn't sure. His eyeballs were rolling whites and his eyelids were droopy. In any case, I caught my blood boiling and my voice and pitch escalating. I pity the diners nearby as I would have been really irritated by my own constant reminder to "chew your food!", "swallow!", "you need a smack to wake you up!", "hurry up!", "quickly!", "CHEW!CHEW!" etc etc... My frustration got the better of me, and I gave up on the meal. He barely finished 1/2 bowl.

I reflected the whole afternoon. I was quite disappointed with myself for not holding my temper. I'm not sure what happened to my normal ability to 'tahan'. I was even more upset and guilt ridden that I had made his lunch entirely miserable. I was a classic example of the mom I would have hated.

What made me change? Was it because I'm now always pressed for time? Like in the mornings and evenings, how I would be barking orders for him to hurry up so that we can get to office/pick Lyra in time? Or is it I'm really biased against him (now with Lyra in the picture)? Or is it his terrible 4s attitude and behaviour? I don't know and I don't trust myself to be objective.

All I know is that my fuse is blowing ALL the time and even when I make my best attempt to tolerate and be patient, I was never as patient as I used to be. And Lucas's bahaviour and attitude is really going from bad to worse... I'm not sure if it was his bad bahaviour that's causing me to be a mom from hell or whether my gnashing of teeth and screamings are causing him to turn bad. Chicken and egg question.

Simon Sim ( a family educator) told me last Friday at an event that "all children need are love and encouragement and they will turn out fine"... I thought for a second and asked him, "what if Love is not enough?"... Simon looked slightly taken aback and was quiet. I think he never thought that love would not be enough to parent a child and he looked a little sad on that reflection.

What if love is not enough?... ...

Low low on the MO

Nope, LOW MO doesn't refer to MOJO and all that THAT connotes. It refers to MOrale and MOtivation, both of which have been low lately. It's probably attributed to the recent change in the HUMAN landscape in my section.

It's been a long time I felt such LOW MO... The 1st time (since working) I had this feeling of incapacity was in 2001. I had a change of working environment and I couldn't agree with the person leading the school I was in. I quit at the end of that year. The 2nd time was in 2004-2005, during which I had a change of 2 supervisors, both of whom I didn't particularly thought very fit to lead... erm ... lead me. One of them was pretty nice but being nice is not enough for me. I had a much higher expectation for MY supervisor. I quit end of 2005. The 1st half of 2006 was by far the WORST time of my working life. I had to report to a boss direct from hell, whose dictionary doesn't contain the word, decency. I quit after being bullied on a daily basis for 6 months. I wondered where I found the strength to have stayed and yet not murder her.

So early 2006 was the last time I felt really down and very very SIAN, until recently.

I think when you have someone nice/good/worthy to work under, it makes work very doable and even when work is tough, you don't really mind slogging for the person. I have been working hard and going the extra extra miles for many bosses, without complaining. In fact, I relish in the fact that I valued-added and did my work well, even if it meant many sleepless nights and many over-time. I was happy to do so. The reverse is true when you don't have someone whom you think you ought to be slaving for. Doable work becomes unbearable, coming to work becomes quite a drag and you have the LOW MO. And the LOW MO doesn't go away despite the tons of chocolate you eat, the holidays you take and whatever it is you do to combat LOW MO.

A HR expert once told me, "people don't leave jobs, they leave bosses". How true... ...

Leadership

Today, I had a big event which involved Prime Minister and 10 other Ministers and many other MPs and big shots. To begin with, the event was quite a nightmare with HUGE changes being made 2 days prior to the event, on a Friday no less. Reaction time was critical. What was originally quite a simple affair became a mammoth monster. To complicate things, Mrs Prime Minister came along.

But it was a good learning process. It taught me alot of things about leadership and how leaders should react esp. in a a crisis.

1. Build an Arsenal of Personal Favours
- Because of the last minute changes, I had to mobilise many people on short notice. It was difficult as the event falls on a Sunday. It did not help that my bosses didn't want to be the bad guys to shoot the arrows. I needed people, and I needed them fast. So I had to call on personal favours. It was a good thing I do not shit in the place that feeds me. :) In times like this, you could tell who your allies are.

2. Equal Misery is BAD
- Who ever invented the logic of equal misery doesn't work in the corporate world. This is a selfish theory. More work can be done if someone can be a little more self-sacrificial and get something unpleasant done, rather than dragging 2-3 other people through the mud just so he has company. It is a sheer waste of time and effort.

3. Don't Act Smart (aka Mia Gei Kiang)
- I witness how some leaders love to claim the credit and tries to sound intelligent only to have their bluff called. If you are already not very bright, don't act bright because when the switch if flipped, it will obvious you are not just dim, but there isn't even a tungsten within.

4. Be at least Nice or Smart
- Leaders should be nice... and if not nice, then better be smart. The worse combination is one who is not nice and not smart. You lose the respect and you make people pissed with you. At least if you are nice, even if you are not too clever, people will help you because they felt obliged too.

5. Admit Mistakes
- The worst trait a leader can have is to be too egoistical and insist on being correct when proven wrong. This has huge repurcussions. If you are wrong, admit it, apologise and get on with life.

6. Trust your subordinates
- Most subordinates have best intentions and will try their best to get the job done to the best of their abilities. Their own reputation is at stake so trust them. And when mistakes occur, don't be too quick to point the finger. It could be someone else's fault or even your own.

7. Respect
- Being a leader doesn't mean you don't have to respect those who work for you. They deserve even more respect precisely because they are working for you. How else will you get things done? Respect them and earn their respect for you.

8. LEAD Wisely
- Leaders are there to lead. What good is a leader who cowers and hides when you need directions to charge? At the same time, it is also not enough to lead blindly. A leader should have the courage to take unprecendented measures, be accountable for them and do so in good time.

Leadership is difficult. But I hope I can build up enough skills so that the people I lead one day, will follow me, but not blindly and will question, but not doubt me. And most of all, respect me because I have earned it.

Loud, noisy, crazy...

Recently I moved to a District 10 cube. It is a tad bigger than my previous hole, like 1/2 a foot bigger. And it has good amenities in that it faces the aisle instead of my previous cube where my back faces the aisle. So privacy is ensured in this prime and landed property.

But I supposed I wasn't deemed to be deserving of the cube since I have not met the grade for sitting there and there are more eligible people who ought to sit there. The only reason why I was able to move there was because of 1) Proximity; it was right next to me and 2) thick-skin: I asked the previous owner and the right bosses.

Anyway, this cube started a chain of events which weren't so nice and ended up with name calling.

Apparently, a particular person had labeled me as "loud, noisy, crazy woman" when asked who had moved into the prime cube. This particular person, though not very close to me, wasn't very distant either. So when others overheard him/her saying it, they were appalled and informed me of the offending remarks.

The assessment of me being loud, noisy and crazy is obsolutely accurate of course (ask Ms Sui), and I'm not affected by it in the least. I don't really give a hoot or even 1/2 hoot to what others in my office think. I was actually quite amused by it. I could have come up with more creative labels. And of course I was quite touched by the indignation and defensiveness a couple felt towards the remarks.

At the same time, I thought it was important to do some self-reflection. Perhaps my loud and noisy ways had affected the way others seated near me work? I know Ms Sui had to make some adjustments... maybe that why she had earphones plugged in last time :P. I should probably ask around my other neighbouring cubes. And if so, I should probably make some changes. Yes, this is not like me at all, trying to accomodate others... but age does strange things to people. It blunts your claws and makes you see things in better, hopefully wiser, perspective.

Anyways, ... I have a good friend coming in soon and I'm looking forward to that. She would be parked right next to me, in my previous non-landed cube! She used to have a habit of sudden exclamations when pissed too. So I won't be alone in doing such things soon.

Hmmm,... I do wonder though if that person who labeled me would also label her. Although I doubt it... because in this case, I do think this particular person had always been prejudiced against me and more so recently. I guess time will tell if I'm right.

Why so like that?

Today, I gave an idiotic parent a piece of my mind.

I was on the train when this mom, her maid and her boy (estimated 2-3 years) boarded the train and sat beside me. Immediately after they sat down, the maid whipped out a stick of fishballs and nuggets from Old Chang Kee for the boy to eat. I struggled within if I should say something. But my big mouth blabbered before my mind could decide... I told the maid (since she was the one who offered the food, although I know it is the Ma'am who is at fault), that she shouldn't feed the child in the train as eating is not allowed. I pointed to the "No Eating" sign. The maid naturally looked at the Ma'am. The Mom who was busily smsing took a look at me and said, "Aiyah, nevermind lah. Little children hungry what!" To the onlookers, I must have seem like some child-bully, depriving a kid of his fishballs and nuggest... how terrible.

But I stood my ground. I pointed to the sign and repeated what I said. The Mom also refused to back down and raised her voice saying something to the effect that I should mind my own business. Well,... since a challenge has been issued. I can't possibly decline a good fight, esp. with rude parents. I told her in a very firm (but not impolite) voice that what she is doing is that she is setting a bad example for the child. That she is teaching the child that rules and even laws can be disregarded and broken. I asked her how she would expect her child to behave responsibly in future when she has clearly sent the message that being irresponsible is okay. Then I ended saying, "Look, your child is already observing you now... and your helper too. You think they will respect your houserules in future?"

I think she was embarrassed and scolded the maid for giving food to the kid. I felt sorry for the maid.

Had the child been very young and do not understand what are rules and law, I wouldn't have said a peep. But this child is in preschool uniform and is clearly of the age when he can be made to understand rules and consequences. I hope this kid will not grow up to be one of the many disturbing, selfish teens who litter and spit in public places without shame.

And yes, I was extremely proud of myself..., I will admit unabashed that it was very 'shiok' feeling.

An excerpt

My excerpt from an imaginary book...

My mind is the clearest at night. Like mice, I feel my thoughts burrowing the deepest in the quiet hours when others slumber. (Hence, why this blog is titled such.)

Long ago when my home was up North and my bed beside the window, I could observe the moon and stars right where I lie. I could see the shades of grey on the face of the moon, the bright glitter of some stars and the wanning light of others. I wondered from childhood what it would be like to live on the moon, as I wondered the same about clouds... a clear brainwashed effect from CareBears. I wondered if I would like the solitude esp. when I get tired and weary of the hustle and bustle and the incessant 'noise' around me. Naturally, logic and good sense prevails. It's not possible to live on the moon or in the clouds.

Tonight, I thought about the book I had wanted to write. The book about a boy who was stranded on a silver whale and his many advantures. I am still at Chapter 1. I have all the plots and intricate details worked out. But words fail me when I try to pen it. I don't think my thoughts would ever get inked. I don't want to excuse it as writer's block; I'm not a writer. It's just plain laziness and procrastination.

And I procrastinate too often, so often that it is becoming a habit. I think if I'm not careful, Procrastination will feast away my life. Already, I knew in my deepest soul, I had stopped living.

Lyra's 1st dip

Lyra had her 1st dip in the pool on the 2nd day of CNY. Her parents and Gor Gor were definitely a lot more excited than she is. :) She seems to take to the pool, although she was quite apprehensive at first. The water was cold and Gor Gor was overly excited and kept splashing water when he demonstrated how to dive. The spa jet had calming effect and she appeared to enjoy that... wonder if it a woman's thing. After about 20 mins, mommy whisked her home for a quick shower. The swim/dip must have been exhausting and Lyra slept right through from 6.30 pm to 11.30 pm. Some pics of the penguin.

Lyra wearing Gor Gor's penguin suit
Ooo, backstroke...
1 for the camera
After this feet spa, a pedicure would be nice...

Lyra, Lyra, Lyra... ...

Lyra is about 4.5 months now and already she is manipulating her daddy and mommy in her tiny little ways. You should see her piteous appealing look to us to interfere when Lucas is rowdy. And you should hear her screams of bloody murder when Lucas teases her at times. Lucas loves his sister to bits and Lyra loves playing with her Gor Gor.

Sitting like a queen, feeling like the king

"I'm really a sweet & demure little girl, not the kick-ass girl mommy says I am." *blinks innocently*

"Watashiwa kawayi des ka?"

Gor Gor's Peek-a-Boo comes complete with monkey faces

Lyra feeling tickled with Gor Gor's arm under her armpits

The perfect pic, finally

Suicide

Recently, two persons who are not particularly close to me came to me for a listening ear. Both lost someone very dear to suicide just a month ago; one lost a mother and the other lost a best friend. Perhaps they felt I could understand or maybe they just needed a listening ear and I was around. In any case, I felt privileged that they trusted me.

Both were obviously depressed and guilt ridden. Suicide survivors are often laden with the "if only I had" burden. They wondered what they could have done to prevent it. They thought of instances where they should have spotted the signs and prevented it. In a way, I could relate to that feeling because that was exactly how I felt when I miscarried my last child; if only... ...

I couldn't offer much advice and I guess they weren't looking for that anyway. All I could share was my own experience as a "suicide addict". Hopefully, they would see that they really couldn't do much to change the person's mind.

Suicide is addictive. It becomes the default coping mechanism when things go wrong. I 1st toyed with suicide when I was Pr. 4. I popped my granny's pills. They turned out to be Vits. After that, I had many episodes where I tried to slit my wrist, cross the road with my eyes closed and popped Panadols with coke and alcohol. Each time, I felt the immediate relief that I did not die and the problem seemed more solvable. I believe most people who committed suicide, didn't want to die. They just couldn't see a way out and see how they could carry on living. Of my many suicide attempts, I had 3 close shaves- the 1st when I was in uni and my hostel mates rushed me to hospital with excessive bleeding. I was knocked out cold by the panadol and alcohol and I had cut my wrist in the daze. The 2nd time was when my parents found me foaming at my mouth and rushed me to hospital to have my stomach pumped. I had downed a concoction of 20 sleeping pills. Being a parent now, I could understand how my parents must have felt. What a terrible thing to do to your parents! The 3rd time, I was looking out of the window, preparing to jump when divine intervention stopped me. That's was why I chose to believe in God.

Anyway, nobody could have stopped me. Not the knowledge that people around me loved me, not that the problem will eventually be solved, not even when my best friend was there for me. I could only think of suicide, and if I live to tell the tale, great and if I die, well, that was the point anyway. So it didn't matter what everyone around me said or tried to convince me otherwise, I was deaf to what was said. And I would have done it again and again, until my luck ran out of course.

I hope these 2 friends of mine will let go and live their lives more richly than before. I hope they will continue to build the dreams they had and live the dream, with the person they lost in mind. Most of all, I hope they know it takes time to heal and they themselves won't do something drastic.

So what stopped me for the suicide cycle? It was divine intervention. But for those not as lucky as me, I would advise counselling.

What the fish?

You learn something everyday...

Today, I learnt that there is no such thing as a plural fish! As in, you do not say, "my mom cooked 2 fishes" unless the 2 fishes are of totally different species. You should be saying, "my mom cooked 2 fish".

Fishes is also used as a verb of course.

Well, well...

Pantry talk

My office largely comprises young, single professionals. But I never really realised how different our life path is until today when I had this really weird conversation with one of the sweet young things here. It goes something like that...

Me, just back from lactating and preparing to wash my pumps.

Young Girl (gasps at the 2 packets of milk): What's that?
Me: My milk?
YG: Really? How you take it out? (begins to eye breast pump suspiciously)
Me: I use the breast pump lor (waves at pump).
By now, 2 other guys are at the pantry and waiting for me to finish up my washing.
YG: WAHHH! Why you have 2 pumps? Pain or not?
Me: I have 2 breasts? No, not very pain... or maybe a litle when the milk lets down.
YG: (gasps) You mean your breast will sag down? How many litres you pump? So your breast will become double the size?
Me: (getting exasperated)... Erm, no... Let down is not sagging. It just means the milk coming in... and I pump only 200 ml if I'm lucky. (I consciously left the breast size out)
YG: (disappointed) Oh,... so little. I don't want to ever have to pump milk... I cannot stand pain. But I want to have little children.
Me: Well, breast milk is best for babies and the pain is bearable.
YG: Oh,.. so you just use this (points at pump) and squeeze the breast... Next time, I will just ask the doc to knock me out and take the baby out of me. I cannot stand pain.
Me: (totally exasperated)okay. (muttering under my breath, "yes, should just knock you out NOW...")

Pssst... I love you too

My hubby sent me a very sweet SMS lately. It is not his usual style as he is not the romantic sort. But occasionally, he surprises me with such acts.

And of course, knowing that it would totally piss him off, I SMSed that it was "fishy" for him to send me such loving SMS. Okay, I'm insensitive and ungrateful. Vinc replied that he knew I would say it's fishy and expressed his disappointment with a SMS 'sigh'.

Well, it would have served me right if he never ever send me another loving SMS.

Why do clever woman do stupid things?

A mishap

Some of you who have tried cutting a baby's nails would know it is a nail bitting experience. Those uncontrollable flailing hands and legs make it so hard. So it's probably no surprise that on Saturday, the inevitable happened - I snipped some flesh off Lyra's thumb.

Knowing that it is an inevitable outcome of course didn't lessen any of the guilt I felt. Her blood soaked plaster and mittens (to prevent her from sucking on the plaster/thumb) made me felt worse. Lyra was quite brave. She cried only for a short while, but the cut was deep so she was bleeding for quite a few minutes. Sigh...

And it didn't help that Vinc (mean mean man, you) kept reminding me by asking Lyra when I was within earshot, "how's your thumb Lyra? Mommy so careless ah...". And to think 4 years ago, when Lucas rolled off the bed on his watch, I was sensitive enough not to say anything as I know he would have been guilt-ridden... I know he was joking and poking fun at me... but still... ungrateful hubby... hmpf...
*** ***

Lyra darling, mommy didn't mean to be so butter-fingered and hurt you. Your wound would probably have healed but I think I'll be feeling bad for some time. I'm so sorry sweetie.